Fantastic Fs

There are times when I really miss being in the classroom every day. I don't think I laugh nearly as much now as I did when I taught middle school. I miss the emotions, the aggravation, the problem-solving, and the silliness. Kids one minute, mini-adults the next. And I really miss talking to kids about the books they are reading. I had that conversation over the weekend with a friend who left middle school for high school. She misses middle school readers too.

Today I was in a third grade classroom observing a student-teacher. A little girl came up to me with a worksheet she had just finished and said, "Look at that 'f.' Isn't it fantastic? Aren't I gifted at cursive 'f's?" And to give her credit, it was a beautiful 'f.'

Man, I miss kids.

throw me a bone. please.

I know I came off as all supportive and caring in that last post. And for the most part, I am. But to be honest, I'm a little crabby about my sister's break-up. I'm angry at her boyfriend. But I'm a little annoyed that I have spent more evenings than not over the last three weeks cooking for her, inviting her out with my friends, not getting work done so we could watch tv and keep her mind off things.

No, that is not the annoying part. The annoying part is that she hasn't told me anything about it. Nothing. I don't know what happened three weeks ago when they decided to spend some time apart and I don't know what happened after they talked. After the week apart, talking on the weekend, and deciding to take some more time (for three weeks running), they finally broke up this weekend. And I don't know anything. She says she's tired of talking about it.

In her own time, I suppose. But seriously. She won't give me anything to work with. I guess I should unconditionally provide a comfortable place for her where she doesn't have to talk about it.

Breaking up is hard to do...

I have survived a lot of break-ups. A lot. I have experienced enough (both as the breaker and the breakee) that I have a routine. It includes lots of Jane Austen. I have four versions of Pride and Prejudice, and usually watch them all on day one. Sobbing about how I'll never meet a Darcy. The next few weeks include lots of walks and (other) movies, a loss of lots of weight, and little work done. Oh, and my therapist. About a month later I get really drunk. And then, over time, I slowly start to breathe again.

It never gets easier. To be honest, my last big one was probably the worst. And it took significantly longer than a few weeks before I started to breathe. It scared me a bit, how hard it was. I'm over the relationship, but still a little scarred from the difficulty of getting over it.

All this to say that even with all this experience, it cannot help someone you love who is also going through it. My experiences cannot soothe a broken heart. Nothing I say can help; nothing anyone says helps. I know.

I hate that I am trying to help someone go through this, and cannot. But I can cook for her and watch movies with her. And that's what I'll do.

VDay

A friend of mine was involved with a performance of the Vagina Monologues last night, as part of a V Day and Take Back the Night events in the Twin Cities as well as a fundraiser for Women's Advocates, St. Paul and Women of the DR of the Congo.

It was amazing. Devastating and funny and traumatic and sad and silly all at the same time. There were a few brave and supportive men in the audience. A great line: If your vagina could talk, what would it say in two words? Slow down.

The level of sexual violence against women in this country and elsewhere is astounding. The "V' in V Day stands for Vaginas, Valentine, and Victory. Victory against violence, victory against shame, victory against silence.

Earlier this week I called a cousin of mine to share the good news of my new job. He was very excited for me. In the background, I heard the squeals of his teenage daughter, "What happened?! What happened?!" When she got on the phone, she blurted, "Do you have a boyfriend?! Are you getting married?!" Sigh.

She's young, but that's why it's so disturbing. How can our society have moved forward in so many ways, and yet the only exciting reason this girl thought I would call my extended family would be to share that I had a boyfriend.

There are days that I am tender about this, and days when I am fired up, along with most days that I don't much care one way or another. Most days I am so happy with my independent single life: as is, no complaints. But I'd be lying if there weren't the occasional days I wished I did have someone to share it with.

The ebb and flow of the single girl.

a satisfying meal

There aren't a lot of little, daily things I feel more satisfied with than making a healthy, delicious meal. Especially if I get to share it with someone. Cooking for one kinda stinks. I do it, but hate that I have to eat something for the next four days or I end up throwing out a lot of ingredients. I've tried to get better about planning to use, say, leeks in several meals in a row, but I'm not always very good about it.

Thanks to Tyler Florence, I made a delicious dinner of salmon with smashed potatoes. I also made broccoli with toasted garlic chips. Yum. And then I had homemade bread. The cheater kind, but homemade nonetheless. And I got to share it with my sister.

negotiations

I could never be a diplomat. Or a broker. I am terrible at not showing my cards. My poker face is non-existent. I live with my heart on my sleeve.

Part of accepting a job, any job I suppose, is the contract negotiation. I have very smart parents and a somewhat absent adviser who gave me some advice about this. But ultimately, it comes down to me and the dean. I was a rookie. And like I already said, I lack the deadpan expression. And mine was the first offer this dean had made, so he was a rookie too.

In the end, I don't think I got all I could have out of the deal. But I don't actually care. I'm pleased as punch to be an assistant professor in the education department of St. Kate's. Remind me of this when I'm struggling to pay off my student loans, ok?

I got it!

Things must have gone well last Thursday, because I got a call offering me the job on Friday! It was pending a call with the Senior VP this morning, which went very well, and the formal offer was made today. I can't believe how quickly it all happened.

I'm employed!!

Now I have to finish that f@%*ing dissertation.

gearing up

Tomorrow could be a big day for me. Preparing for yet another job interview, and this time I really want the job. I think the school is a good fit for me, and the fact that it is ten minutes from my house is a big plus. I'm also trying to remind myself that if I don't get it, I'm still a competent person and there's something out there for me.

A good friend of mine defended her dissertation today. I got really emotional, partly for her but also thinking about how much I need to be done with this part of my life. It has been amazing. I've learned so much about education, about myself, about research, about teaching. I have some serious writing to do before I'm done. But I am very anxious for the next phase to begin.

Maybe tomorrow will be the start of something new.

speed dating

The last few weeks, I have received lots of emails from speeddate.com saying I should give online speed dating a try. Supposedly the fastest growing online dating platform in the world!

Let me tell you about speed dating. It is exhausting. And mostly terrible. I guess online would save some of the negative aspects. Like, say, the guy with whom you're on your 8 minute date asks if he can videotape your speed date for his cable show. Yes, that actually happened. I said no.

The first time I went speed dating, I was told to "match" with any guy that didn't completely disgust me. That way, the chances were higher that someone I said it was ok to give my email to would also say I could have theirs. So, out of the 15 men I met in the next two hours, I was generous and said I'd be willing to go out with 5 of them (the guy with the videocamera didn't make the cut).

And lo and behold, they all matched with me too. Then I was stuck, knowing that since they probably matched with other women as well, we would have to go out soon lest miss the opportunity. So I made plans with all five for the coming weekend. Drinks Friday, lunch, coffee, and dinner on Saturday. Coffee on Sunday. I had to take notes after each date, to remember what I had learned about each man.

One was married and wanted to test the waters before he actually asked his wife for a divorce.

One was engaged and playing wingman to a friend; he hadn't initially intended to actually follow all the way through to a date, but thought I was cool so gave it a shot.

One was too much of a hunter for me, and said it was weird that I played violin. Weird? What is it with these guys and my violin playing??

One I hardly remember.

One I actually went out with twice. He ended it after that, saying he was still nursing a broken heart.

I have to say it was the most draining few days. I only went one more time, was too selective, and decided I didn't really want to spend any more time with any of the men. I'm not sure I'm interested in the online version. My experience with on-line dating is the less invested you have to be in the initial aspects, the less interesting the matches tend to be. For me, at least.

I wish I loved it more. Maybe when a right guy comes along, it won't feel so exhausting. Still deciding if I have the energy to give speeddate.com a try.

glee is back!

I have an unhealthy relationship with the show Glee. I just love it, and am very excited for the new season to start tomorrow. It indulges the part of me that always wanted to be on stage, and instead I'm in the pit. I still love it in the pit, but there's a latent show girl in me somewhere.

NPR had a story on songs that should make it in to the show. I completely agree with all of their suggestions, especially Paramore's song Miracle. I have a few requests of my own.

More Than a Feeling, Boston
You Give Love a Bad Name, Bon Jovi
Video Killed the Radio Star, The Buggles
Save Me, Jem
Let's Go Crazy (or anything else), Prince
Maneater, Hall & Oates
When You Were Young, The Killers
Africa, Toto
Bring Me to Life, Evanescence
Love is a Battlefield, Pat Benatar
I Want You Back, Jackson 5

Fun, right? Yeah, they should give me a job.

grocery store run-in

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you leave the house unshowered in sweat pants, you will definitely see someone you haven't seen in years and you would prefer not to see you in said condition.

After spending most of Sunday nursing the after-effects of a very late (fun) night on Saturday, I decided I could and should eat something. I ran to the grocery store without a care. I walked in and almost literally ran into a friend from college, whom I haven't seen in at least 5 years, there with his daughter. I suppose I looked like crap for most of college, so it was easy to recognize me.

Pleasantries exchanged, and the daughter talked about something I couldn't understand, and we went our separate ways.

How hard would it have been to brush my hair and put on jeans? Note to self.

Done.

Made the call. It was hard, but I think it's the right thing for me. My adviser (I finally got to talk to her) was supportive of my decision. AND, she said she has a possible job for me at the university if nothing else pans out.

There is still a lot of uncertainty, and I don't know what effect this decision will have on my career, but I'm moving forward and not going to look back.

Go with my gut, or do what's safe?

The adviser-advisee relationship in grad school is complex to say the least. And I haven't been able to discuss this job offer with mine. She has a cold or something, and has ignored my emails about wanting some advice. Oh, I still get emails telling me what work she needs me to do, but apparently is too sick to talk about a freaking job offer. She canceled our weekly meeting on Tuesday, which I had been counting on to get her perspective. As much as I've thought about this decision, and having a dad in higher ed helps, I was really counting on being able to be advised by my adviser. Crazy, I know. She said she could talk to me over the phone at 4 tomorrow. My decision is due before then. Therefore, I'm going to have to do this without any advice from her.

I'm starting to freak out a bit and second-guess my decision. I'm just not sure what to do. There were three separate articles in this week's Chronicle of Higher Education about how bleak the job market is for academics. Today, I got a nice email response from one of the university's faculty (a full six days after I emailed with some questions, mind you), and she wrote that she was really happy there and would love to work with me because of our similar interests. It has me thinking that it might not be anywhere near perfect, but I would have a regular income and could still look for something next year if I wasn't happy. Sigh. I am really tired of constantly worrying about money. And it's a pretty decent offer.

But it's a position that is outside my expertise and not really my area of interest. I really love teaching elementary and middle level reading to preservice teachers, not high school content teachers - which is what this position would be. I was surprised to get the interview because of it, and even more so to get the offer.

I'm not anticipating getting much sleep tonight.

A verdict is reached

The decision is made. I'm saying no to the job. Risky and arrogant? Definitely. But I believe that there is something out there that will be a better fit for me. And even if it doesn't happen this year, it will come along. This is maybe the scariest decision I've ever made. I think it will end up being the right one.

Now I just have to get up the guts to make the call...

An early birthday

I have spent a significant amount of time playing the last week or so. Avoidance, some may call it. I'm always thinking about the huge looming decision, but I think that a good martini helps just about anything.

Tonight's indulgence was an early birthday celebration with my sis at the Dakota Jazz Club to hear my favorite local band Romantica. They were, as always, wonderful. Didn't play my favorite, but played plenty of great tunes. The pleasant surprise was the opener, Audra Mae. She had a big voice with thoughtful lyrics. A great set to start the evening. I love getting to hear fabulous music on a Monday night. A good way to spend the last night of my early 30s.

tick-tock, tick-tock

I feel a bit silly being so worked up over this job offer business. Many people have said what a good problem it is to have. But isn't that an oxymoron? Good problem? To me, it's just a problem.

I met with a professor I respect very much today to discuss the offer and my options. She gave me some good tips on information that I really should look into if I'm going to seriously consider the offer. My gut is screaming no for so many reasons on so many levels, but it is a job with a good salary, two things I really need.

What it comes down to is whether or not I can live with the consequences of turning down this offer and not getting another job offer. It's a tough call.