resolutions

I don't usually make resolutions at New Year's. I find that it is a difficult time in the year to make changes. Typically, I make resolutions at the end of the school year so that I have the summer to work on them. However, I haven't made any resolutions the last three years because summer hasn't meant a whole lot since I've worked like crazy during them.

Anyway, I think now is the time, and some of my resolutions need to begin as soon as possible. Here they are:

1. Lose the rest of this freaking dissertation weight. No it is not much, but I hate it and actually want to be (have to be) committed to it. Now. Seriously. It might mean moving, as I love the cookies at the coffee shop at the corner. Just a stroll away. Especially the ginger cookies. Crisp on the edges and a little gooey in the middle. Ok enough. Lose weight now!

2. Start saving money. Now that I have a regular (above poverty line) income, it is time to think about my retirement fund again. Not that I'll ever have enough money to retire, but one can dream I suppose.

3. Submit 2 manuscripts for publication. I have one almost ready to go, and I'll be working on the other starting Monday.

4. Read more for pleasure. Yesterday's list indicates that I didn't do very well on this in the last year. I teach reading, for pete's sake. I have to be a good reader.

5. Run another marathon. I want to drop some time from my first marathon, so I think I'll need to change up my training. Maybe do some speed/interval workouts and such. I don't know what that means yet, but I'll figure that out.

6. Get my butt in gear and start dating again. I've had about a six month drought in that arena, and I haven't done a darn thing to remedy it. I now know that I can't meet someone while laying on my couch watching Glee. Who knew? So, I plan to do some work to get out there again.

7. Go to orchestra concerts when I don't know any of the music. I tend to select concerts to hear my favorites, though when I go hear new (or new to me) music, I am usually happily surprised. Need to shove myself out of the box a little.

8. Continue to work on my relationship with my mom. Ever the project. Mostly this boils down to (my own) increased patience and acceptance. Should be easy.

9. Oh, and take my vitamins every day. It's not hard. Why haven't I been doing it the last few months? No excuses. Remember to take them!

10. Go somewhere. And not to visit relatives. I love my relatives, but I want a legit vaca in 2011.

Here's to a happy and healthy, skinnier, wealthier, literarier, runnier, datier, classier, kinder 2011.

2010 in review

It was a big year. I tend to get weepy and crabby and sad at the end of the year, but I'm going to try to remember all the good things. And really, in terms of years, there are a lot of favorite moments.

Here are some of my bestest in chronological order.

1. New Year's Take 2. NYE was awful last year, so some friends and I met up on 1.1.10 to have a redo at The Dakota for some Romantica. I got drunk and talked to the band. It was awesome.




2. Dad's remission. So what that it was short lived? We were so happy that day.

3. Sara's 80's Prom Birthday Party. Look at all that taffeta. Gross.




4. The Sorcerer. I really had fun playing the opera this year. The fact that I had a monstrous crush on the conductor didn't hurt.

5. Cabin weekend. Despite the lack of running water, it was a fantastic winter weekend getaway with the girls (and Jake).

6. Landing three on-site academic job interviews. And getting a job!!

7. Watching a lot of my friends successfully defend.

8. A really good run of shows at First Ave. The National and Jayhawks were the highlights.

9. Visiting my cousins in the new home in Durham, NC. They seem really happy there.

10. Basilica Block Party. It was a beautiful night, and we had tons of fun.




11. Winning my age division in the race with Sarah. There may have only been 4 of us in the division and 20 in the race, but no matter.



12. DEFENDING MY DISSERTATION. Yes, this is the big highlight of the year. It demands all caps. And tequila.



13. My party at Nye's. It was more money than I probably should have spent, but I don't regret it at all. It was a phenomenal night.



14. Starting at St. Kate's.

15. The Talking Volumes series.

16. Getting to see the Dead Sea Scrolls.

See, me? A pretty good year.

2010 books

It's a pretty pathetic list for me this year. I guess writing a book counts for something. But here's my list anyway (in no particular order, bolds are my favorites and recommended):

Let the Great World Spin, Colum McCann
The Magician, Lev Grossman
Deep Economy, Bill McKibben
Push, Sapphire
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
2666, Roberto Bolano
Saving the World, Julia Alverez
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Steig Larsson
The Master Butcher's Singing Club, Louise Erdrich
The Book Thief, Markus Zusak
Olive Kitteridge, Elizabeth Strout
The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire, Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins
When You Reach Me, Rebecca Stead
Freedom, Jonathon Franzen
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, Sherman Alexie
Great House, Nicole Krauss
No Angel, Jay Dobins
I Remember Nothing, Nora Ephron
Rescue, Anita Shreve
I Am the Messenger, Markus Zusak

I'm missing a few YA titles, but those are in my office and I'm too lazy to think too hard about it. I'm hoping to be a little better with my reading in 2011. But really, who cares.

home from the holidays

I'm slowly recovering from the holidays. I am currently enjoying the peace and quiet of my home. While it was fun to have a little one around, the constant noise was a little tough after a while. It is maybe different when it is your own child? I'm not sure, but at any rate, this cutie was fun to play with and then good to be able to head home.





We had lots of fun sledding and skating and playing in the snow. I hadn't been on skates in probably two years, but I was happy that I could still spin and jump a little.



And there was only one dig that made me a little upset; I mean, there's no time like the holidays to point out the obvious that I'm super single and childless.

learning to vacation

I need some practice being on break. It's been so long since I've had a series of days where I didn't have to do work that I think I've forgotten what to do with myself.

Since being "on break" the last 48 hours I:

- spent yesterday in the third ring of hell, I mean the Mall of America
- raked the roof (again) and shoveled the driveway (again)
- did 5 loads of laundry (I don't know how I generated this much, but I did apparently)
- scrubbed my kitchen floor, particularly this gunky place between the oven and wall that I've been meaning to get to since, oh, I moved in nine years ago
- cleaned the oven
- vacuumed twice
- ironed
- stitched up two shirts that needed fixing and sewed three buttons back on various jackets
- finished my Christmas shopping
- wrapped all my Christmas presents (ok, though, that's legit. it had to get done)
- organized the bookmarks on my laptop
- visited a friend
- made 4 batches of playdough (in 4 fun neon colors)
- watched a disturbing movie that I wished I hadn't
- applied for a travel grant for an upcoming conference
- paid bills
- knit a scarf (though I can't remember how to bind off and since it was just practice, I unraveled it)
- made cookies for my neighbor as a thank-you
- ran twice and went to bodypump twice
- waterproofed my boots
- practiced my violin


At this rate, I'll need a break from break. It feels like nervous energy, but I don't know what I should be nervous about. I suppose I just need to slow down. The next 3 days at my parents will force that. I'll probably need to take naps to get away from the family fun for a while. That'll do something to help take it easy, I guess.

calm before the storm

I just got back from a trial run with the extended family. A trip to the Mall of America and Nickelodeon Universe. Two days before Christmas. I think that decreases my time in purgatory.

The young grown ups rode this ride:




I haven't been on a rollercoaster in probably 15 years. And it was fun, but I was dizzy and nauseated for at least 30 minutes afterward. My cousins went on a second time. I opted to stay on the ground.

The good thing was that I had some "mystery tickets" that the cashier at Ace Hardware gave me (randomly) and one of the tickets had 100 ticket points on it. So we got to ride for free for the morning. Good deal.

I get one more quiet night at my house before I head to mom and dad's for the long weekend.

I think I can...I think I can...

it's 5 o'clock somewhere

I'm officially on break. I was originally planning to go in the office tomorrow but decided today that I need to be done. No one was there today, so I don't think I should feel guilty. I didn't bring anything home to work on over break.

I think this is the first time ever I might really take a complete break from school between Christmas and New Years. Indulgent and probably not very proactive. But I really need to be away from work for a while.


Instead of going for a run, I'm having a glass of wine. Here's to a rejuvenating break.

sticks and stones

I have never believed the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I think that words are among the most dangerous weapons we wield.

Words can be wonderful when the sentiment behind them is benevolent. "I love you." "Thank you." "I miss you." "I'm sorry." But words can also have malicious intent too. Anger, hatred, jealousy, fear, judgment. Too often, perhaps.

I wish I could say that I am impeccable with my words. I know that my words have, at times, had malicious intent. It is at the top of the list of things I want to work on.

When a man rolled down his window Sunday morning to yell, "weird ass looking bitch!" at me as I was out for a run, I just don't understand it. I have been called names before, but I still don't understand the reason for yelling at a stranger. I am going to do a little stereotyping myself and guess that this man had 50 extra pounds and little more than a high school diploma to his name. But how can it be worth someone's time to roll down the window when it is 5 degrees to hurl an insult at a stranger? What was so offensive about me being out for a run?

I will admit that I don't look cute in my running tights and ninja-like jacket and hood. But I'm not trying to be cute. I'm trying to stay healthy, to clear my head, to think, to be in nature. On a quiet, sunny, cold Sunday morning, it was shocking. While this was not the most hurtful thing anyone has said to me, not by a longshot, and I'm a big girl and can take it, it just seems so unnecessary.

I have had many things yelled at me over the years while I've been out running. Most of the time I can't tell what they say. It rarely happens in the cities, mostly when I'm out of town. I don't know why. And I was at my parents' house this weekend. Just out for a Sunday morning run.

The man must feel pretty smug about himself. But I just don't understand it.

friday book review: I am the messenger

Zusak, M. (2002). I am the messenger. New York: Alfred A. Knopf.

I really loved The Book Thief - it was hands-down the best book I had read in ages. So I was excited to give another Zusak a try. This book was completely different, but equally engaging.

The book opens with Ed Kennedy, an average joe with little in the way of direction or motivation, inadvertently stopping a bank robbery. A few days later, he receives a playing card in the mail, an ace of diamonds. On it are three names and addresses. After some time, Ed decides to find out what these names and addresses mean, and discovers that he has some jobs to do.

The characters are well-developed and complex. Though I had an inkling of the ending as soon as I started, and I wasn't completely satisfied with the job Zusak does explaining the way he ties up the ending, I was compelled by this novel. Not as fantastic as The Book Thief, but a great novel nonetheless.

winter running

Running in the winter is like a whole different sport than running in the other seasons. In some ways this is good. In order to stay on my feet, my core and inner thighs have to activate a whole lot more to stay balanced, arguably areas that could use some work on my body. More than some, actually.

In other ways, though, this is bad. Because of slick sidewalks I basically run looking straight down, so I end up being clotheslined by tree branches often. I also leap over the piles at the crosswalks and sometimes land wrong, which isn't great on my tender foot. My pace is really slow which makes me crabby. It takes so much longer to get dressed. My skin gets chapped and scaly. I've been relatively unscathed by falls, but did break a finger a couple years ago from a slip on the ice. I have a harder time listening to my body and getting into a rhythm.

I sometimes wonder if it's all worth it. But I'm back out there the next day anyway, with all the other crazies running through MN winters.

held hostage? really?

I'm pretty upset about the whole tax-cut deal. I really don't see how this is compromise. I don't understand how the wealthiest 1% really need more money - doubtful that it is going to create millions of jobs. As Keith Ellison stated on MPR yesterday, the wealthiest of the wealthy do not need the cuts. Their personal shoppers and massage therapists and chefs will still be employed. To me, this seems reckless and unnecessary in a time of such deficit. I guess we'll see how the vote goes.




And while we're at it, I really can't believe that the bill to aid first responders didn't pass. Jon Stewart decided that this "lame as fuck congress" had no excuses.

Oh, and then there's the rejection of the repeal of "don't ask, don't tell." It perhaps will come up to vote as its own issue this week. Let's hope.

wonderful, counselor

A lifetime ago, I played in the orchestra for my college's performance of Handel's Messiah every December.

Here's an awesome pic of Weston Noble rehearsing the Messiah choir some time in the 50s.




When a friend sent me the link to this Hallelujah chorus flash mob, I cried through the whole thing and decided I needed to see a performance this year.

I googled "Messiah, December 2010, Minneapolis" and the first link was to the MN Orchestra. Wow, I thought, I'd love to see the MN Orch perform Messiah. I went to their web page, only to discover that the cheapest tickets were $95. Up to $250. Yikes. I wanted to see the show, but that was a lot of money right before Christmas. Sad, I decided to forgo it this year. Maybe I could plan ahead and go next year.

Then, lo and behold, I got an email that there was going to be a performance at St. Kate's. In the chapel, on a night I could go. For a $15 donation. Sold. Another reason to be glad I work at SCU.

It was a beautiful night. MacPhail teamed with Sonomento for a traditional baroque version (i.e. smaller choir and orchestra, the way it was written). Apparently as it grew in popularity, so to did the sizes of the choirs and orchestras performing it.

Here's a peak at the huge Luther Messiah chorus. (I swear I see people I know in this, even though I just pulled it randomly from Luther's flikr site, and there was no year attached. Wishful viewing, or am I right??)


So, last night's performance was a bit different from the massive crew at Luther, but wonderful nonetheless. I may not be very religious as of late, but that last amen gets me like nothing else.

(on a side note, I hate that people seem to make it a contest to see who can clap first at the end of a performance. some of my fondest memories at Luther are the seconds after the last "amen," just hanging in the air. so people, wait a second or two. it'll be worth it. you aren't to clap until the conductor lowers his/her arms, at the very least.)

I think the people sitting around me wondered what my deal was, as I had tears streaming down my cheeks for a good part of it. I don't know what my problem is but as I get older, music has a way of blindsiding me with emotion. I guess it's kind of ridiculous and a little embarrassing, but I don't actually care. And really, how can you not. Handel wrote this magnificent piece in 24 days. Seriously? 24 days? Crazy. And some of the most beautiful and well-known choral works ever. Amazing.

snowpocalypse 2010

I was a naysayer about the predicted tsnownami, but I was proven wrong. I was glad that I didn't have much planned for the weekend, though it would have been nice to have an excuse not to grade. Grading, turns out, can still get done in a snowstorm. I was a little stir crazy by Sunday afternoon, but that's ok.

The pics don't really do justice to what seemed like feet and feet of snow to shovel. I think officially we got 17" at the airport. It was really pretty and fun to watch come down from the comforts of my house, and still kinda fun yesterday to fall all over while trying to slog over to the coffee shop at the corner to treat myself to a hot chocolate and cookie after I finished shoveling. The shoveling itself was not fun. I'm just glad I had the foresight to steer clear of purchasing a corner lot.

It really is a wonder, this living in MN thing. My neighbor was talking about how back in the old days when he lived in southern MN, the farmers used to shovel tunnels from the house to the barn through the snow drifts. He remembers walking from his house to a neighbors out second floor windows.

As much as I grumble about the shoveling, I really did enjoy watching people trudge down the street and chatting with my neighbor as I shoveled, and helping push several stuck cars out of the alley and off the street. I heard of a lot of friends who benefited from good samaritan neighbors who helped snowblow sidewalks and driveways. Those fair weather states miss out, I think.

Every muscle in my body hurts, but it was a good MN winter wonderland weekend.











Guess I won't be using the other side of my garage until like May probably.

friday book review: stand tall, molly lou melon

Lovell, P. (2001). Stand tall, Molly Lou Melon. New York: G. P. Putnum & Sons.

I don't know how I missed this book for almost a decade. I fell in love with Molly Lou last week. She is short and has buck teeth and a terrible bullfrog voice and a grandma that fiercely loves and supports her.

When she moves to a new town and a big bad bully tries to get her down, Molly Lou takes the lessons she learns from her grandma and stays confident in herself and steels all the bully's thunder.

Adorable story and funny pictures. Molly Lou Melon won me over, for sure.

new plan

I know that the typical American gains two pounds during the holidays and never loses them again.

I also know that my legs currently resemble overstuffed sausages in most of my pants. I had mistakenly only tried on the pants with a suit I brought to Fort Worth that I was worried about not fitting (they ended up being barely passable, but passable nonetheless), only to discover that it was the jacket that was obscenely tight and not appropriate to wear while discussing my dissertation. Ended up having to recycle an outfit.

I know that I'm still a normal weight, despite my sausage-like legs. But I'm uncomfortable almost every day in my clothes and really can't afford a whole new wardrobe. I am hoping to maintain my current weight over the holidays and then start losing again after New Years. And then I need new resolve to lose this dissertation weight. I keep saying I'm starting but after two good days, I break down and eat too much chocolate and undo all the good.

So here's my new plan:
4-5 runs per week
1-2 bodypump (or other Y) classes per week
stick to WW

I'm hoping to hit the manageable weight loss goal of 1 pound/week starting Jan 3. Which puts me at my goal by early March. I'm going to stick to the workout plan starting now (which, really, I mostly do). The WW is the tough thing.

I'm hoping that by committing it to the blogosphere, I'll keep myself more honest.

thrown for a loop

One of the things that I love about teaching children's lit is when I create the opportunity for students to rethink books that they have always loved using new lenses of critique. Students are often ready to storm out of class when I tell then that The Rainbow Fish is a terrible story for children. And when I launch in on The Giving Tree, they are near revolt.

But I'm not apologizing. If I can get them to rethink books, even if they end up disagreeing with me, I have done something. With so many books with truly great messages to read to children, there is no need to laud books that teach children to give up what makes them unique or that to love unconditionally means to give up your life.

breaking my stride

I'm in Fort Worth, TX. Not a place I've necessarily ever hoped to visit, but it's not bad. At least the hotel is really nice, and I found some places to run. And I had a good dinner last night too.

I brought along with me the briefcase bag my adviser gave me when I finished my defense. It was a nice gift, and I was thankful, though I already have a number of bags like that. But it seemed like a nice bag, I hadn't used it yet, and I thought it would be nice to use here for the first time at this conference. Perhaps she would notice me using it.

Funny, though, that within 2 hours of using it, both straps ripped off. So I ended up carrying the thing around balanced on my hip like a toddler or a grocery bag. I looked ridiculous, like a poor grad student who can't afford a decent bag. Except I do have a decent bag back home and only used this one to make it seem like I liked it in front of my adviser.

My adviser saw me, but didn't notice or comment on said broken bag.

Now it's day two of the conference and I'm having to carry everything around in my arms, since I don't want to attract attention with my broken bag, but I have lots of stuff to bring to my sessions. Annoying.

It seems like a perfect metaphor for my relationship with my adviser. Initially pretty and thoughtful, but broken when I really need it.

we need to meet

These words strike fear in me. My initial response is for my heart to stop and for me to think, "What did I do wrong?"

I suppose this is the kind of reaction one would have if being called to the principal's office. I don't think I was ever called to the principal's office. I got detention most days in orchestra, but it was because I deserved it for being a snarky know-it-all, too good for middle school orchestra, and the conductor never showed up anyway so I don't think I ever actually served a single detention. All that to say it wasn't as scary as being called into the principal's office (I would guess).

At any rate, when I was really close to quitting last week, I received an email from the principal saying, "I need to speak with you asap. Today." I freaked out, and I hadn't done anything (but the content of the conversation about the negative nelly teachers I work with made me furious and I almost quit on the spot). Then last Monday I got an email from my boss, the curriculum director, stating, "I'd like to set up a meeting the next time you're in the district."

The meeting was today. And starting about twenty minutes beforehand I started to sweat and my hands started shaking and I ran through how I would function financially if I lost my job. The meeting was a nothing. He wanted some advice on training volunteers.

Why do I instantly go to the worst case scenario? Why is a meeting always linked to, "You're fired," when I have no evidence to support that that would ever happen? My anxiety can't take this right now. I need to chill out.

thankful day 7

It's Thanksgiving ya'll, and I'm still Thankful for all the things I've previously listed. My dad's smart docs, being close to family, a job, two jobs really, my sis.

There are other things that happened this week that make me thankful:

I'm also thankful for being healthy enough to be active the way I love. I ran the Turkey Trot this morning, and though I didn't break any records, I was able to run faster than I thought possible given my current hearty weight and lack of attention to splits or time in general really. I'm hoping that I can work on the 5k pace and turn that into my new race pace.

Also, I'm super thankful for great friends. Last weekend I had such a great night catching up with my single gals. We needed the chance to catch up and make some new plans for 2011. Watch out boys, here we come.

I'm also thankful that I can play with orchestras, holding my own even if I don't practice as much as I should. I might not love every minute of rehearsals, but I do really love making music with others.

When the going gets tough, I know there are lots I can count on. I've been taking the classes of a colleague whose father is gravely ill and she decided she needed to fly to Maine to be with him. I was more than happy to take her classes no matter what. But I also know that if things were reversed, she wouldn't hesitate to help me out too. I've only been at this job for a short time, but I've met some great people.

Though my sister headed back tonight to spend the evening with friends, I'm hanging out at my parents house through tomorrow. Dad has his last round of chemo for a while, and I thought it might be nice to decorate the Christmas tree when he gets home. Trying to make the most of everything.

Happy Thanksgiving.

thankful day 6

In order to alleviate my mother's concerns over the impending weather storm, I rearranged my schedule to head down to my folks' house at noon on Wednesday.

This was no easy feat, since my brain has been foggy for weeks now (remember that in the last week, I locked myself out of the house? and I left the tickets to Talking Volumes on the kitchen table). And then I left the movie we were going to watch on Wed at home so we had to go out and buy it at Target. But I made it to Northfield early, and mom and dad were happy.

I am in charge of dinner the night before Thanksgiving. I make ribolitta, an Italian soup we had all over Italy and I've recreated a version to enjoy. It's a perfect pre-turkey day dinner, and though I'm supposed to be completely in charge of the kitchen, I still have to shoo my control-freak mother out of the kitchen around a dozen times. But it's tradition, so that's how it's supposed to be.

We reminisce about our Italy trip and tell family stories. It's a great evening.

And I'm super thankful for it.

thankful day 5

I am thankful to be in a profession I love. The previous post shows I don't always love every part of my job, but I am lucky to be passionate about my work and know I am making a difference.

And I get to sometimes work with kids, which is what I really miss from my classroom teacher days.

Scene from a classroom. I'm was in a 4th grade classroom last week during a grammar lesson. The students were working on a lesson about identifying subjects and predicates. The boy sitting next to me leans my way and whispers to me.

Boy: You learn this stuff yet?

Me: Yes, I have.

Boy: It's pretty hard.

Me: You're right. It is hard work.

Boy: When did you learn this?

Me: Probably when I was in 4th grade too.

Boy: Huh. What grade are you in now?

Me: Hmm. I'm not really in a grade any more. I teach at a college. I guess I'd be in 27th grade.

Boy: Whoa.

Totally thankful.

On a side note, I am also thankful I do not regularly suffer from heartburn (knock loudly on wood). I have had constant heartburn the last 48 hours, and it's rotten. Finally got some mylanta and hoping for relief after the stress of a presentation to a superintendent tomorrow morning.

thankful day 4

I am thankful today that I have the option to consider quitting a job. Not that I'm super flush with cash right now, but I do have that option. I haven't made a decision yet, because there are so many things to consider. However, my consulting work has gotten so out of control I can't seem to reign it in.

I am not above petty unprofessional bitching, but to do justice to the story would take more time than I'm willing to spend writing it all down. Let's just say that it is becoming more and more clear that the teachers, administrators, and system in the district I'm working in are just not ready to do the work they need to do in order to necessitate my help. It all came to a head today, and I nearly quit on the spot. But I decided I needed to think about it some more (and really take a hard look at my finances to see if I can afford to) before I resign.

I'll keep you posted. But for today, I'm thankful to be gainfully employed at one (good) full-time job so I can (maybe) quit my other part-time (which is turning into a full-time) job.

These thankful posts are helping me see the good in otherwise not-so-good situations.

thankful day 3

Today I am thankful that things (only) happen in threes.

Two weeks ago, my furnace broke. Last week, my washing machine broke.

Yesterday (after locking myself out of the house), my coffee pot shattered all over the floor, launching coffee all over my kitchen, sure to leave coffee stains I will still be cleaning until I move. But I replaced the coffee maker and was thankful for the simple pleasure of a cup of coffee with peppermint mocha creamer this morning.

I hope I'm done with broken appliances for a while.

Also, I should be thankful for anti-lock brakes and the wits to drive slowly. Ice storm here last night made my midnight drive home treacherous. But I made it home safely and have gladly been hanging at home for the day today.

thankful day 2

Today I am thankful for my sister. I know I wasn't always thankful every minute while she was residing in my house. But deep down, I still was thankful.

And I was especially thankful for her today when I locked myself out of my house when I went out for my run. I called her from the coffee shop down the street and left a message. She got it and by the time I got back home, the front door was unlocked.

Thanks, sis.

thankful day 1

I'm stealing the idea of posting what I'm thankful for over the next week from several friends. I should have started at the beginning of the month, cuz there's lots to be thankful for.

I thought I'd still be thankful that Dad was in remission. Obviously, that has to be revised a little. So I am really thankful for the health care he is getting with his oncology team, and the health insurance he has to help my parents pay for it all.

I am thankful this time the cancer recurrence was caught really early.

And I'm thankful to be close by so I can visit lots. As if last time wasn't enough of a warning, it's another ass-kicking reminder to take nothing for granted.

re-chemo

I didn't think I'd have to worry about chemo for my dad for a while. Thought we were set for a bit. He's only been ten months in remission. But after a whirlwind week and a half, Dad started a "chemo-lite" drug protocol on Friday.

He's ok, and it sounds like this plan is status quo in Europe for maintenance after chemo for the kind of cancer that dad has. And sounds like it will be so here soon as well.

Bottom line is that Dad's last CT scan showed some cancer growth, and his oncologist didn't want to wait to get started on this plan. 'Cuz last time they waited put Dad through hell and he almost died. Dad'll have treatments every Friday for four weeks on a 3-6 month cycle. Maybe forever, I think?? I don't know that part yet.

He won't be on some of the anti-nausea drugs with this protocol, so he may actually feel more sick with this treatment plan than he did when he was in full chemo. But his immune system won't be as vulnerable, and he won't lose his hair. And he won't be as tired. So better in the long run, I think.

Still have lots of questions, and headed into a holiday season glad this year Dad is at least in a little better shape than last year.

I think.

slump-o-rama

Maybe if I keep labeling my fatigue, brain fog, and burnout in fun ways, it will make them seem better. I still haven't come up with a "rejuvenate kate" plan, and nothing much has gotten better. I'm not worried about it, just conscious of needing to make an action plan.

My running has been super slow and lethargic lately, which makes me feel crappy too. I ran 6 over the weekend, and it felt like twice as far. My 6 mile mid-week run today was a little better, but I bribed myself with listening to a podcast of "This American Life" to get me out the door. I don't usually listen to anything, but it was a good motivation this evening. I've dropped back my mileage to only about 25 miles a week, thinking that would help, but it hasn't really.

Any suggestions of how to get my running game back?

awkwardness (almost) averted

Thursday and Friday of this week was the MACTE (MN Association of Colleges of Teacher Education) Conference. It's an organization I was peripherally involved in during my PhD work, but was just a lowly grad student, so only made a couple presentations and that's about it. Now that I'm officially part of the teacher prep community, I'm a fully acknowledged member of the group.

I taught Thursday morning, and so joined the meetings after lunch. I was mingling in the hallway before the first afternoon session when an SCU coworker came up to me saying, "I had the most uncomfortable encounter this morning.

Me: "What happened?"

Susan: "When I got into the meeting this morning, a woman who we interviewed for your job, who obviously didn't get it, came up to me and asked, 'Why didn't I get the job?' I was so surprised, I didn't know how to respond." We talked about how unprofessional and awkward that was, and went to our respective break-out sessions.

I walk into the St. Croix Room and almost literally run into three of the people from the Gustavus search committee. The job I didn't get. Ha. To her credit, one of the women came over to me to ask what I was doing now and to tell me that they loved me and it was a really hard decision, and that she was really glad I am still in MN and got a job in teacher prep. I thanked her and said that it was a great interview at Gustavus, and that I really liked it there, but that I was very happy with my position and everything worked out for me. It was very nice of her to diffuse a potentially awkward situation.

And it saved me from having to confront someone about not getting the job.

:)

fooling myself

I think the only way I survived last year was to tell myself that it would be so much better this year. That once I was done with the dissertation I would get my life back.

Ha.

It is better, it is. But I really shouldn't be working a part time job on top of my college prof gig. I love that I have one foot in the classroom, and I don't want to lose that. I think I'm doing a pretty good job at both jobs, and my mid-term evals were really positive. But...

I am so burned out. Exhausted. Out of steam. My pace last year and over the summer was bound to catch up to me. And it has. Big time. So even though I'm working slightly more reasonable hours, I just don't feel present.

I need to rejuvenate. Trying to figure out how to band-aid the situation until winter break, when I plan to sleep from Christmas to New Years. Screw family visitors and planning for my new class starting 1/3. I'll need to nap.

let there be warmth

Being a single homeowner kinda sucks. Every problem rests solely on my shoulders to solve. I'm impatient and frugal - not a good mix. And I don't know a lot about home repairs.

I am also a baby when it comes to being cold. My furnace has not worked since it got cold. This wasn't quite to emergency state, and good that it happened now and not mid-February, but needed to get fixed.

I made an appointment online, like I was supposed to, and had to schedule one for November 15th, the first available appointment. Not satisfied that I should have to wait three weeks for heat, I called and was able to talk to a human, scheduling an repair for today. Took a half day off, skipped a bunch of meetings, and settled in to grade some midterms while I waited.

The guy came and was done in about 20 minutes. As soon as he left, the furnace shut down again. Thank goodness he was still in his van writing up his report or whatever they do and hadn't left yet.

I knocked on his window and he came back in. Only to discover that there was indeed a broken part. Even longer story short, after some pleading, he agreed to pick up the part and come back to fix the furnace today.

Glad not to be wearing a stocking cap and three pairs of socks tonight.

a pretty cool piece of paper

The thing about getting a PhD is that you aren't actually done when you defend. You still have to submit your dissertation to the graduate school, get it approved, and then wait a few weeks until they officially grant the degree.

I got my diploma today, and found out I was officially awarded my degree earlier this week. I'd be lying if I said it was exciting or that I felt relieved or satisfied or much of anything.

But it's still a pretty cool piece of paper.

moving on

I am surprised and pleased that the day's big event, my 'break-up' with my therapist, has produced no anxiety, no second thoughts, no trauma, no nothing.

I went in there, told her I was ready to fly the coop, and she agreed. She said she is sad to lose the connection because she really enjoys our time together, but said that my life doesn't seem to warrant the type of therapy in which we've been engaged.

This is not to say that I am perfect and all my issues are gone. Nay, I still have some pretty serious issues to sort through. But she was in agreement that she may not be the one I need at this time and after making some suggestions of places to go if I were to feel the need (and telling me her door is always open for me), I left.

After close to 9 years, it is a little strange to think about not having a weekly therapy session. But I'm ready to move forward.

Eight and a half years ago I was sad. Apathetic. Weepy. Hopeless. Worthless. My body hurt all the time just by being awake. And yet I couldn't sleep. I lost 25 pounds. Food just didn't taste good. And I was too tired all the time to bother cooking anyhow. I didn't realize that I was depressed. Looking back, I don't know how I missed it.

While I didn't recognize what was really going on, I thought I at least had it together at work.

I was wrong.

It all came into focus over two days. As I was standing in the hallway on a Wednesday morning before school started, talking with kids while they put their backpacks away in their lockers, a fifth grader from another teacher's class came up to me. I knew the girl's name, but didn't have her in class. She handed me an envelope and gave me a little half-hug around my waist. In the business of the day, I didn't get to the note until after school.

It's a good thing, too.

I opened the envelope to find a card with a picture of a field of flowers. Inside the blank card, the little girl had written something like, "You are special. God loves you. You will be happy someday. There is love for you."

I didn't know then how important that note would become. A pack rat, I save most everything. But I didn't save that card. I think I was embarrassed and shocked. It's still startling for me to think about that.

The next day, a coworker of mine came up to my classroom to talk with me after school. She wasn't someone I usually chatted with, but I think she stopped by under the pretense of something to do with the student council activity that was coming up that I was in charge of planning. At any rate, she said that she had noticed that I seemed to be struggling with something, and handed me the business card of a therapist.

Wow.

Clearly, I was not as together as I thought I was. I went home, called the therapist, and left my information through sobs.

And so begins my relationship with therapy. My first therapist, Sue, I stayed with for seven years. I was devastated when she closed her practice. She recommended a friend of hers, whom I've been seeing for the last year and a half. It's never been quite the same as with Sue. I would occasionally leave Sue's office furious. She would push me and call me out. Always with my best interest in mind, but she made me work.

I've never felt that with my new therapist. It's been fine, but I mostly feel like I pay her to chat with me about books and teaching, and she doesn't make me talk about what I really need to talk about.

When my health insurance changed with my new job, it turns out that my therapist isn't covered. At first I was frustrated. It is far too expensive to keep seeing her by paying out of pocket. At our last meeting, she said she would make it work with whatever I could pay her. Which was really nice, but then I feel like I owe her. And I don't want to feel that way.

So tomorrow is my last appointment with her. She doesn't know that yet, and I don't know how I'm going to tell her. She told me that she told Sue that I was, "the best gift she's ever given" her. A little weird, right? Anyway, I don't want to disappoint her. But I don't think it's working for me. To be fair, I haven't expressed this at all to her. And she did tell me it was ok to think about our situation and decide if I wanted to make a switch to see someone else. Maybe this is a chance to make a clean break and see how I do without therapy for a while. Finding a new one seems worse than not being in therapy right now.

I've come a long, long way from the Kate I was back before the cards. I don't ever want to go back to that devastatingly dark, terrifyingly alone place. I know now a whole lot more about what to do to recognize and prevent that me from coming back.

We'll see.

a rose by any other name

I love my name. It is who I am. If I were to ever marry, I wouldn't change it. It's too much a part of me.

That said...

There seems to be difficulty with my name that is tremendously annoying. The fact that I go by Kate instead of my full name is confusing to some. I hated it in college when I would show up to the first day of class and the professor, when calling roll, would automatically shorten my name to Cathy. I am not a Cathy. Not ever. Annoying. That Kate is spelled with a K and Catherine is spelled with a C is yet more confusing.

And then that my last name, which some have as their first name, begins with the same phoneme as my first name means I get called Kelly. Also annoying. I don't understand why this is beyond the grasp of some people, but apparently it is.

But the kicker was this weekend. I received a student email me from one of my classes last year. In a mass email to all her professors from her grad program (a mass email!), she asked if we would be references for her. Let me restate that: in a mass email. I replied and said that it was very unprofessional to send a mass email asking for references, and that since she only took one class from me over a year ago, I wouldn't feel comfortable being a reference for her. She replied back and addressed the email to Kelly, asking again if she could just list me as a reference, not write a letter. I wrote back and said no, and that my name is Kate and I would urge her to be more thoughtful and professional in her email exchanges with potential references and, in turn, job prospects.

Shortly thereafter, I got an email from a guy I'm in the 'open communication' phase with through eHarmony. Unfortunately, my official name on the site is Catherine, which then requires some way of addressing the fact that I go by Kate in the emails. Usually this is taken care of by my signature, but if the guy emails first, I usually explicitly write that I go by a nickname. Anyway, in a reply to my email in which I had signed my name Kate, said guy addressed the email to Kitty. Kitty? Seriously? Where'd you come up with that one? Do you know anyone under the age of 70 that goes by Kitty? Pay attention, dude.

Annoying.

living alone again

My sis has moved out. Not all her stuff is gone, but her person is. My parents are helping her a bit so she can feel a little less down-and-out, and she found a month-to-month one bedroom apartment to hang her hat until she finds a job.

Her new plan is optometry school.

If she can find something she is passionate about, more power to her. She loves geology, but isn't finding a career from her PhD. Personally, I can't think of much I'd rather do less than go back to school. But I always had a career in goal through my PhD work, and I was fortunate to land a job.

As hard as it was to get used to sharing this space, it's a little weird now that she isn't here to comment on tv with.

I'll get used to it.

friday book review: the lion and the mouse

Pinkney, J. (2009). The Lion and the Mouse. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

This (mostly) wordless picture book is a beautiful translation of Aesop's fable of the same name. Pinkney's paintings are absolutely stunning, and it well deserves the Caldecott it won.

My students really loved this when I shared it with them in class yesterday, and we had a great discussion about all the ways you could use this wordless book (and others) with children in classrooms.

Definitely a keeper.

suzanne collins

Seriously disappointing. I guess I'm spoiled by good author talks through Talking Volumes. And every time I've ever seen an author, they've always engaged the audience in some way. A talk, some questions, something. But this was so lame-o.

There were so many cute elementary, middle, and high school students there. I got there an hour early and there was already a considerable crowd. Some were even wearing Hunger Games t-shirts or a Mockingjay necklace. One girl wore a t-shirt that said, "Katniss could whip Bella any day." Clearly a very excited crowd.


I'm standing against the bookshelves in a green sweater next to a guy in a gray/blue sweater.

Suzanne came out to her table, and said she was going to do a reading in the voice she hears Katniss using in her head, what she called, "futuristic Appalachian." Then she read a few paragraphs from Catching Fire and then a couple pages from Mockingjay. And that was it. No talk about the books, no questions from the audience. We were then herded outside to wait for our ticket number to be called to get our book stamped (she has a hand injury, so wasn't even signing the books).

I still love the books, but not as much a fan of her. Give us something.

friday book review: catching fire, mockingjay

Collins, S. (2009). Catching fire. New York: Scholastic Press.
Collins, S. (2010). Mockingjay. New York: Scholastic Press.

There is little need to actually review these books, as near everyone I know has been devouring them like me. But, I get to see her at The Red Balloon Bookshop tomorrow, and I'm really excited about that.

I saved Mockingjay for the plane ride last weekend to visit family in Massachusetts. I finished all but the last 40 pages, which I saved to read that Friday night before bed. It was beautiful. Dark and troubling, but beautiful. My colleague had finished it earlier that week, and when she told her 13 year old son (another Hunger Games addict) that she had finished, he opened up his arms to give her a big hug.

I loved the bittersweet ending, and I'm sad to be done with the series. I've had some really interesting conversations with my students about the merits of using such a violent book with students. And there are more to come - since they are planning lessons around using this book for the end of the semester. I can't wait to see what they come up with.

I was on the fence on the whole Team Edward/Team Jacob, er... Team Gale/Team Peeta drama. Be with Gale, with whom she struggled to provide daily for her family, or be with Peeta, with whom she fought to stay alive? Both seemed perfect and yet just as unlikely to work.

Sigh. What's next?

oh, blueberries!

One of the best parts of my job is that I get to observe practicum placements in elementary schools. This gets me in 10 classrooms grades K-6, and I get to see what great teachers do with these awesome kiddos. And it is so fun to get to observe and provide feedback to those just learning.

Yesterday I was sitting in a Montessori classroom with first, second, and third graders. One of the children turned around to me, sitting in the back, and tapped my leg several times. "Excuse me. Excuse me." I asked her what I could help her with. "I don't know this word. It's hard. Can you help me?" I asked her to identify the first letter, and from there, with the help of the corresponding picture, she figured it out. Exasperated, she threw up her hands, "Oh! Blueberries! Of course. I love blueberries." And she grabbed her blue crayon and happily continued her work.

So cute. I miss the kids, but love what I'm doing.

thank goodness for dvr

My tizzy state started yesterday at some point and continued on through today, though tonight it was with (somewhat) good reason in excitement for Talking Volumes. In my excitement, I forgot about the season premiere of Glee. I am not sad I missed it for Talking Volumes, but yay for dvr!

Tonight was Jonathon Franzen speaking with Kerry Miller (love her!) about his new novel, Freedom. I frittered away a weekend sucked into the book, and though I have mixed feelings about it, my friend and I agreed that it ended in a satisfying and beautiful way, and we were glad for that. The characters were interestingly complex (at least most of them), and though there were moments that felt a little contrived, and seriously Jonathon, get off your soapbox, I am glad I read it. Might not buy into it being "novel of the century," but as family sagas go, it's a pretty damn interesting one. And only glimpse of the creepy weird stuff from The Corrections.

We waited around to have our books signed, which is a weird thing, signing books, but I like it. In line, we discussed how we have now in recent past been in close presence of Jane Hamilton and Jonathon Franzen. Not bad literary presence to be in, whether or not you like their stuff.

Anyway, I'm hoping for a better night's sleep tonight. I struggled to calm down after last night's class and kept working myself up over it, blowing it hugely out of proportion. My class this morning went great. They can't all be life-changing, these classes in my first year. I need to give myself that permission.

friday book review: uglies

Westerfeld, S. (2005). Uglies. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Another YA series, this one with 4 books in the series. What does that make it, a quartet?

I heard a lot of buzz about this one, but never anything tangible about the plot. The storyline wasn't particularly original, but it was a somewhat engaging story. Another post-apocalyptic society. This one puts all sixteen-year-olds under the knife to make them "pretty," after which they get to move to a new town and party 24 hours a day. A few rogue citizens decide this isn't for them, and they have created a new place to live, called The Smoke. But the goverment doesn't like this, and are going to great leangths to find this hidden society, with the help of the main character, an almost 16-year old Tally.

I couldn't help but compare this one to The Hunger Games and Katniss, the main character in that trilogy. The main character in Uglies, Tally, is pretty one-dimensional, especially when compared to Katniss. I just wasn't really rooting for anyone in this book, and ultimately didn't care what happened in the end. It is doubtful that I'll read the other three. Maybe I'll get really bored at some point. We'll see.

under piles

This new job thing is kicking my butt.

So exciting and wonderful, but so much to do.

I was going to write last night, but decided to spend an hour at pilates instead. I realized I haven't taken a breath in a week or so. I still haven't even written about my fantastic party yet. It was only a week and a half ago, but it seems like ages have passed in the interim.

I'll have a better handle soon. Soon. I keep saying that, but this time I really believe it.

welcome, indeed

The Tuesday of opening workshop week around St. Kate's is known as "Sister Andrea's Day." Sister Andrea, President of SCU, always plans something over-the-top to welcome faculty and staff back for a new academic year. All offices are closed, and everyone attends the morning celebration. In the past, there has been video, bands, light shows, comedy, dancing, singing, you name it. I think there was a fog machine one year.

In the afternoon, there are follow-up talks by the VP and Deans of Students and such, all helping flesh out the mission and vision that Sister Andrea creatively charges the faculty and staff with in the morning.

No one ever knows what is going to happen except for Sister Andrea and the very, very elite few she entrusts with planning with her.

This year, the schedule said that the President's Address was from 9-12 and from 1-4. Six hours of the President. Sitting in O'Shaughnessy. There isn't a lot that can keep me from getting antsy or sleepy in an auditorium for 6 hours. I had been told that the opening celebration was amazing and so unique to St. Kate's, so I kept an open mind.

Boy, were we in for a surprise.

The opening was a lot of rah-rah look what we accomplished last year, and yay-yay here's where we're headed. Sister Andrea talked about "the Year of the Liberal Arts," the focus for this academic year. She had chosen two patron saints for us for the year, and described them a bit (a Cuban priest that I've forgotten his name already, and Lillian Gilbreth). She ended her talk with the strategic plan for SCU, which includes a lot about our visibility and perceptions of SCU. And as much as people hate the term, the branding of St. Kate's. That in a way, we're a business that needs to make sure that we're putting out a vision that we are proud of, and that the way SCU is perceived is how we want to be perceived. That a lot of that has to do with marketing and advertising. It was interesting, but pretty low-key.

And then she went on to say that we were going to get started today, and sent us all to the MN State Fair for the day. In our bright purple St. Kate's t-shirts and hats. To eat, and laugh, and mingle, and advertise. And have fun as a St. Kate's community in the wider community.

Everyone was shocked. We climbed aboard big buses and received an envelope with an entrance ticket, $10 in food vouchers, and a map. We headed to the fair and were let loose. We chatted with tons of people - lots who had gone to St. Kate's, and a few that were considering it. With five hundred of us - yes, that was 500 faculty and staff members, everywhere we turned, we could see a group in purple. It was so much fun.

Here's to a great year.

three Kelly PhDs

How awesome is that?!?

Alternatively: How much money was that?!?

peaceful awakening

It was so nice to wake up this morning and not immediately tighten with the anxiety and pressure of my dissertation. Yesterday was the craziest of days, but such a relief to be done.

I was so flattered to have so many folks come to hear my talk. It was such a glorious day, and the start of the state fair. To have them come inside to hear a talk before the school year even has started was really great.

It was great to have the chance to actually talk about my study in a sustained way with people who really understand what I was trying to do. This process was so solitary, I had no idea what anyone thought of my study or my dissertation. It was nice to have my work validated.

It hasn't quite sunk in, but it sure was great to go to a meeting this morning and be able to tell my new work colleagues that I passed and was done.

And now to pack in a summer's worth of fun into two days. Let's see what fun I can have!

big deal day

Today will go down as a really big day in my life.

I successfully completed a doctoral program, passed my dissertation defense, and earned my PhD.

More tomorrow...

in defense of my work

It all comes down to a few hours tomorrow. The fate of my graduate career, the last five years of blood, sweat, and tears (not a ton of blood but a little at least, and more than enough sweat and tears), is in the hands of four people. Twenty-five years as a student has lead me here. And four people will vote on if I get my PhD or not.

I have worked ridiculously hard to get here. I'm really excited for tomorrow. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. However, I believe in my work, and I can defend my insights. And that's all I can do.

Here we go.

inspiration

Yesterday, I learned more about the mission and vision of my new workplace, as well as what it means to be a women's college at the heart and a university grounded in the liberal arts and infused with the Catholic identity.

I learned that SCU:

- is the largest women's college/university in the country

- has the highest percentage of racially/ethnically diverse students of any private college in the state

- was the first Catholic institution recognized by Phi Beta Kappa

I have to admit that there were aspects to being a Catholic institution that scared me a little. Though raised a Catholic, I've been a bit lapsed lately. In between stress about grad school and the job search, I've struggle with my anger at the church in so many ways. However, I think that if the Catholic church had listened to Sister Amata Miller, IHM, PhD today talk about what it meant to be Catholic as it pertains to higher education, the church might not have people leaving in droves. Seriously, after listening to her, I was inspired enough to consider attending mass again at the university. Who can argue with the core principles of human dignity, of caring for dear neighbors without distinction, of reaching out to the poor and marginalized, of commitment to faith AND reason, of the dignity of work - all work, of the rights AND responsibilities of justice, of deep connection to community. And where her description differed from the opinion of many in the church: welcoming of all people - no matter what.

Sister Amata may have been a bit deceiving in looks, at 70+ years of age, but she was awesome. Back in the day, straight out of the noviciate (I think this means novice nun), she went to Berkeley to get her PhD in economics. Imagine being a Catholic nun trying to get a PhD in economics in the '60s at uber-liberal Berkeley. Having to defend her faith as well as her place as an intellectual peer at every turn in a degree program dominated by men. Awesome.

I am loving that I get to work in a place that inspires me this much.

I know that it will at times be frustrating and stressful, but don't burst my happy bubble yet.

let's get it started

I'm an assistant professor.

This has been a very weird adjustment to make. I'm having a little trouble getting used to this new identity. As friends joke, I just need leather patches on my tweed jacket and a pipe and I'll be all set.

Though I've had some meetings and work, today begins new faculty workshops, the real start to my new position. I'm excited and nervous and ultimately really ready for a new adventure. Even if I feel like throwing up.

kicking the habit

I have this recurring dream that tends to come back around when I'm particularly stressed. Unlike most people, my stress dreams do not involve school. Well, I have one where I show up late to Spanish and the teacher throws a desk at me, but that actually happened to someone in my high school graduating class, so it's more like PTSD than the usual forgot my locker combo or schedule or can't find my class dreams that most people have.

Anyway, in my stress dream, I have taken up smoking. I start with buying one pack, hide the habit from friends and family, and mostly just smoke in my car. In the dream, every inhale soothes and calms me, and a relief washes over me immediately upon lighting up.

This dream has been so vivid in times past that I've actually checked my glove compartment to make sure there aren't any cigarettes there.

I have never been a smoker. I took one puff in college and promptly threw up for the next two hours. Second-hand smoke burns my eyes, makes my throat hurt, and gives me a headache. I have never wanted to be a smoker and will never become one. Which is why I hate this dream. I would love something easy like that to be able to do to de-stress, and clearly that is what my mind and body want too.

But I'll stick with deep, clean breaths instead.

friday book review: city dog, country frog

Willems, M. (2010). City dog, country frog. New York: Hyperion.

Really, this picture book should be credited to the illustrator: Jon Muth, best known for Zen Shorts. The watercolor illustrations are just beautiful and add to the charm of this picture book. And I do love Mo Willems and everything he's written. Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed is my current fave.

The delightful book is the story of an unlikely friendship over the course of a year. The theme of friendship is simple and clear, though the end (loss and heartbreak) may be lost on the youngest of readers. However, it is certain to be enjoyed by readers of all ages, and ends in a touching way.

Definitely a keeper for my shelves.

office

I'm all official:




This is my office. It looks a little barren, but I think it will be a great place to work. The curtains I made from fabric bought at Mood. I didn't want to cut the fabric, just in case I don't stay in the office or I find something else I'd rather do with it, so the curtain is more like a simple block of fabric, but I think it adds a little brightness to the sterile white.




The view from my desk. Note Yo-Yo Ma with Goodnight Moon:





Book shelves! Left side is for professional resources, right side houses children's and YA books.




In my very first classroom as a teacher, I had a parent who made the storycloth below. I've always hung it in my classroom, but have always wanted it framed. I splurged this spring as a present to myself for getting the job, and it hangs in my office. I love it. It is the only thing I love about my first job, but it's a good thing to love.




This was a fantastic aspect to the office - a big storage closet. Big enough for file cabinets and then some. It will one day be the home of a coffee maker, and possibly a mini-fridge. Too many expenses this summer and no paychecks coming in, so I'll have to wait on that until I start making a salary.



I'm still not exactly sure what to do with this funny little storage closet. The shelves are built in, and not tall enough to house books standing up. I have no idea what the original intent for this space was, but I need to figure out the best way to maximize the space.




So that's it. Let the work begin!

orientation

I had HR orientation today. Harassment policies, benefits, email system. It was as exciting as you might imagine. My favorite part was the ridiculous video on harassment. Surprisingly, you can't offer someone a promotion in exchange for sex.

The good news from today is that the time in IT training allowed me to figure out how to sync my new email on my phone. The bad news from today is that none of my current doctors ( i.e. my therapist or dentist or physical therapist) are in-network with my new plan. That really sucks.

One thing I did learn was that the building my office is in was built because a feisty sister didn't want Prior Ave to run through campus. The solution - build a building directly in the way. Way to go, Sister Antonia McHugh!

eat pray whine

I was among the 6 people out of the 4.5 million (give or take) that did not enjoy the memoir Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. There. It's out in the open.

The book had no chance after she started referring to her "friend depression." No one who has suffered from depression would ever refer to it as a friend, not even in an ironic way. Depression makes it physically hurt to get out of bed, sucks the joy out of everything in life even what you usually love, makes eating such a chore that isn't always worth the effort. I suppose not everyone's experience is the same, but there is a difference between depression and the blues. And if you haven't had depression, you have no idea. And if the author had actually suffered from depression, there is no way she could have traveled a year in new places.

That aside, I didn't find her "depression" about her failed marriage believable. It seemed as though she was much more devastated that her image was tarnished, not because she hurt someone or that her marriage was over.

And then there was the whole premise: that she would spend a year of self-discovery. The real work of self-discovery is trying to live real life in a new way. I suppose self-discovery can begin in an escape, but a year eating pasta and doing yoga is not real life. Not even for lucky Liz Gilbert. And all she ended up finding was a man. Which I actually believe was the ultimate goal anyway, despite her constant protestations.

Obviously in the minority, I know plenty of people who would argue with all of these points. That the book is an authentic and beautiful and emotional account of a search for a new identity. I respect their opinions, but hold fast to my own on this one.

I do like Julia Roberts, and a good friend really wanted to go to the movie. She had loved the book, and knew I had read it. To be fair, the movie did not bug me to the same degree as the book. But I won't see it again. I was biased going in, but tried to keep an open mind. It was too long, and none of the relationships were well-developed. I didn't come to care about anyone, not even the main character. And though it was less offensive to me, I admit that some of what made the book work (for others) was missing in the movie. I guess because it seemed more like a "movie" than someone's memoir.

Anyway, I think some who loved the book will hate the movie, and others will think it's a tolerable escape.

and for the record...

... I know I should not have printed all those copies. I will likely get a nasty email about wasted toner or something. But I'm almost done and I don't think anyone could actually do anything serious about it. And I just don't have $150 for the printing shop. Ok, I do. I'm just saving for a rockin' party in two weeks.

My sister said her adviser paid for her to copy her dissertation, but since mine can't be bothered to email me back about the final edits to my dissertation and I have to send it out without her final green light, I didn't think she'd offer.

I'm sorry, office and officemates, for wasting toner.

pressing send

The dissertation is done.

Five years and 350 pages later, a headache the size of Brazil, and exhaustion-induced nausea, I emailed it off to my committee late last night. It took 2 hours this morning to print 5 copies of the darn thing for myself and my committee members, and if the printer didn't weigh 300 pounds, I likely would have thrown it across the room for jamming every 6 pages it printed. No matter, it's all done now.

Gearing up to getting my syllabi together this weekend to post to the web by Monday's deadline.

But first I need a nap.

I'll sleep when I'm dead, I guess

I'm really tired. Tired of staying up late and working day and night on this stupid paper. Seriously, I never want to see it again. After the 26th. Well, that's not true. I need it to get me a couple presentations and publications so I can keep my job. But a lot of it doesn't even feel like mine, as I'm making the revisions and edits my adviser wants.

I recognize the irony in complaining about having to make the revisions I so desperately pleaded for over the last two months. Is that irony? No, it's something else, but I have no brain power left and I can't think of what it is.

There's just so much to do. And only three more days to do it all. Oh, and my syllabi for the fall are due in a week. And we're saying final good-byes to a friend moving to Greece. And after I get this diss written, I still have to develop my presentation for my defense.

Ok, one thing at a time. I always get things done. I'm sure I'll survive this too.

Looks like some all- or near all-nighters are in my near future. And probably not much blogging. See you on the flip side.

friday book review: the hunger games

Collins, S. (2008). The Hunger Games. New York: Scholastic.

Wow. This book was horrifying and engaging and raw and violent and suspenseful.

And I get to teach it in one of my classes.

A post-apocalyptic novel set on the ruins of what was once the US, life is now bleak. There is fairly rigid caste system, and most of society works very hard and is still deeply poor.

The main character (one of the poor ones), sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, is a competitor in the Hunger Games, a yearly ritual to remind the members of society what happens when you revolt against the Capitol.

The twenty-four chosen tributes, aged 12-18, fight to the death until one is left standing, with the entire society watching on TV, Olympics-style. The arena is different every year, and the competitors don't know what they're in for until they are released into the landscape of the arena. And as much as you despise what is happening, you can't stop watching. Or reading, as the case is.

Lord of the Flies meets The Road meets The Goblet of Fire. And a little love story thrown in for good measure.

I can't wait to talk about it with my students. And read the rest of the trilogy. And see the author at Wild Rumpus this fall. So much to look forward to.

new digs

I got to move into my new office this week. It's been fun to set it up. Almost as fun as it was setting up my middle school classroom at the start of a new school year. Almost.

It's nice having a place to hang my diplomas (with one more soon to come, I hope) and my Yo-Yo Ma reading Goodnight Moon READ poster. I've been sitting on some fun fabric from a trip to NYC and Mood Fabrics (of Project Runway fame), and decided to make a curtain for my office window with it. And now that I have a roommate, it's nice to get all the books out of my house that used to be in my office but have been in a dozen crates strewn around my dining room for the last week or so.

I think it will be a good place to work.

target angst

I have a serious dilemma over this whole Target debacle. I've always felt good about shopping there - local business, community-minded, GLBT-friendly, green initiatives. And so, so much better than the alternatives.

And now with this whole corporate Tom Emmer donation crap, I don't think I can shop there any more. I heard someone on NPR saying that where you shop IS your political vote these days, and I just can't support a corporation that supports a candidate that is so far the opposite extreme from my political views. And I just can't understand it, since it goes against pretty much everything Target stands for too. Except for the damn tax cuts for businesses.

I've usually been a twice-a-weeker at Target. I haven't been since the announcement. I miss my Target, but if my shopping is my vote, I can't vote for Emmer.

100th post

I noticed yesterday that I had published 99 posts so far this year. Little kids count the first hundred days of school and have a big celebration when they get to the big 1-0-0. To mark the occasion, I compiled some important things about 100.

In the year 100:
Bricks became the primary building material in the Roman Empire.
Teotihuacan reaches the population 50,000.
The wheelbarrow is invented in China.
The Gospel of John is written.

Other fun 100s:
100 is the sum of the first 9 prime numbers.
There are 100 US Senators.
A Scrabble game has 100 tiles.
Once a tv show hits 100 episodes, it is generally considered viable for syndication.
Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in an NBA game on March 2, 1962. All by himself.

So there you go. Lots of fun with the number 100. Certainly, I do not equate my hundred posts with the Gospel of John or the wheelbarrow or that crazy game with Wilt the Stilt.

But it's close.