I was gearing up for a second date tonight, but got an email this morning that, in fact, the guy has decided to see where things go with another woman. I use this line a lot when I want to easily let someone down that I know isn't right for me but don't want to say that outright. So I guess it could be true, or it could be a line. Either way, that road is a dead end. I wasn't sure if it would go anywhere, but I was interested in seeing it out.

So I've got a bit of a bruised ego. But know I'll never find anyone if I don't keep putting myself out there. It just seems to get harder and harder the older I get.

T minus 4 weeks

Four weeks from right now I will be in Greece. I've been working so hard it hardly seems possible that it is only a month away now. Better that way I suppose, since I haven't done anything nearly this exciting in I don't know how long and if I was just sitting around waiting it would have seemed like forever. But in a month, I'll be headed here:



If their economy doesn't collapse and the rioting doesn't expand. Let's just not think about that, though.

another one bites the dust

So remember the first first date from two weeks ago, the one who kind of freaked me out with all his fears about why he's single and that he doesn't know how to date? I do admit that it may be refreshing to have someone open up like that, but it made me uncomfortable. And I know that if I did that to a guy within the first 20 minutes of a date, he'd likely make the fastest excuse to get out of there and would never call me again. We've all seen SATC. Just sayin. But I am starting to be more willing to give these things a second chance, since first dates can generally be pretty awkward, and it is good to see if there's something there once the dust settles.

I emailed to thank him for dinner. [though I know some guys want to be chivalrous or whatever, I really prefer not to let the guy pay on a first date. But he seriously started to argue with me and it just wasn't worth a scene.] I got a reply from him saying he too had a nice time and that he'd like to see me again. He then proposed three dates. Not options for our second date, but the dates and events for the next three dates we'd go on. He also wanted to book me for something he had going on in July. I appreciate his enthusiasm, and I suppose if I were really excited about him this might not be weird and overzealous? But seriously, can we just see how date #2 goes before we start booking up the rest of the summer??

I agreed to one of the dates, and then over the weekend realized that I'd confirmed for Monday and I have photography class on Monday so I had to cancel. He said that was fine and asked if I wanted to go to a movie on Wednesday, and then a cooking class on Friday night, and then on Saturday go to the Twin Cities Jazz Festival. Again, not three options for our second date, but with the thinking that we'd do all three. Now, these are good ideas. But again, could we just plan a second date, and not have to plan #3, #4, and #5 too? A simple "or" is all he needed instead of "and." Maybe that was a mistake. But that's what he wrote.

Also, over the course of the last two days, he's sent me three emails with possible names for his new business for some feedback, asking for some advice on his business plan, and ideas for his next vacation.

Too much, dude. Too much.

I'm probably looking for reasons not to go out with this guy again because our first date was filled with so many awkward silences. Like I said, if I had left with a little more excitement (like I did with the second first date from last week), I probably wouldn't get freaked out by the over-enthusiasm. But I wasn't excited and now I'm annoyed too.

Next.

encouraging, at least

I knew I had it in me. A first date that was actually enjoyable. I'm not sure this guy is a right match for me, but we hit it off initially. Conversation flowed the entire time. I laughed a lot. I recovered well from a near disaster when I showed up to the NE Bulldog instead of the Uptown Bulldog. The error was all my fault, and I don't have a good excuse for it. Just spaced. And wasn't terribly excited either. But he took it in stride and seemed like a really good guy. Hopefully we'll go out again.

The only wrench in the system is that I think I might be interested in someone else. Someone I've already dated briefly and it didn't work out at the time. I think it was just really bad timing. I'm not sure I'm ready to spill the story over the internets. But at this point, I can't tell if I just like him, or if I like him like him. Oh, so middle school. Should I send him a note folded into a star with a check box?

books & bars

Not that I need a 4th book club. Really, what am I trying to prove? And let's face it. I only read 2 of the 3 books for this month's book clubs. So I'm not always a very good member of the ones in which I'm already a member. But a friend really wanted to check out Books and Bars and since I've always wanted to see what it was about, I was in.

There's something to be said, certainly, about the ongoing relationship with books and people that is built with a small, regular book club. I love the 3 I'm in, and can't imagine not having them (yes, in spite of my occasional lack of participation). But the idea of a semi-anonymous book club is pretty cool too.

We read The Help, by Kathryn Stockett. I can't say it was my favorite book ever. But it was a fast, compelling, enjoyable read. I won't think about it much now that it is done, but it was an easy read - perfect for my recent bout with ADD. The discussion was really interesting. Character development, past and current race issues, the complexity and discomfort of having someone from the majority culture write the perspective of the minority culture, the weirdness of the pecker pie guy. I mean really. What the hell was that?

But I think I'm hooked on Books & Bars. At least for a while. I can't make the next one because, darn it, I'm hosting one of my other book clubs on the same night. But I plan to go in August. We'll be reading Room by Emma Donoghue. I know some of you have already read it. If you're interested in joining me, just let me know!

back to class

I signed up for a photography class that starts tonight. I figured if I was going to spend hundreds of dollars on a camera, I should know how to really use it. And I'll have plenty of time to practice before my trip this summer. Hoping I learn a lot. It's the first time in a long time I've taken a class and I'm not the least bit worried about my grade. And that's a good thing.

an indulgent few days

I really need summer vacation. More than I've ever, ever needed a summer vacation. But summer vacation doesn't start for me until July 2nd. I have been telling myself since, oh, October, that though I'm exhausted, burned out, and crabby, I just need to push through until... after NRC, then it was winter break, then just get to spring break, then it was the end of undergrad term, and now just until July 2nd. I am having a really hard time doing it. Pushing through. Staying on top of my game and being an enthusiastic professor, literacy coach, friend, runner. I know that three weeks is not that long. But after putting off my collapse for 9 months, it still feels like an eternity. I get it that lots of people don't get summer vacation. I don't care about those people. The life of a teacher is just a differently demanding life, and I need vacation. Stat.

So I scheduled myself a mini-break. Got a massage on Thursday. Unfortunately, the knots in my back were so bad that after 90 minutes focused mostly on torturing my right shoulder, I'm still sore 3 days later. And the knots are still there. But a little less huge. It was a good idea, though. I don't feel the biggest one when I take a deep breath anymore. I followed that up with a delightful lunch with a friend and her adorable daughter, a walk around Lake Nokomis, and a Twins game. A pretty great day.

For the rest of the weekend, I worked on Friday and then went to visit a friend in Des Moines. An easy drive, and is always great to visit this dear friend. We had a wonderful time catching up, watching her kids play baseball (adorable!), watching a band I hadn't seen since my college days, and enjoying her choir sing at church. I'm lucky I could make this happen.

I was a little sad to get home and have to dive right back into work (with a short delay to blog, of course), but it was a nice respite from spring term. I'm not going to lie, I'm no less exhausted and burned out than I was Thursday morning, but maybe I'm a little less crabby.

T minus 3 weeks.

"to be honest...

... I don't really know what I'm doing when it comes to dating." I'm not sure what the appropriate response is when a guy tells you this mid-way through your first date. We'd already exhausted his, "so how's your match.com experience been?" question, which I am always surprised to be asked on a first date. It's not like I need to ignore how we met, it just seems a little weird to talk about other dates when you're on a first date. I don't know.

Anyway, after a 3 minute stream-of-consciousness monologue about his ineptitude in dating, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to affirm that he was doing fine? Or commiserate? Honestly, maybe I don't know what I'm doing either. But again, maybe not first date talk?

Regardless, I'm proud that I put myself out there tonight. And it wasn't all that bad. In fact, I might go out with him again.

disappointed

The look on my sister's face as I was headed to the finish line said it all. I had last seen her at mile 10, just before I bonked. She knew I had slowed down a lot and would be frustrated with my finish. It was a painful look to see reflected back at me, but was perfectly accurate for what I was feeling. 5 minutes to non-runners may not seem like much, but it's a huge amount of time when you're trying to beat a past PR. I started with the 8:24 pacer, but he ended up running closer to 8:10s, which is too fast for me, and made me a little crabby. If you want to run 8:10s, don't be the 8:24 pacer. I ran two miles with that group, hoping things would even out, but when the times didn't slow, down, I fell back to running 8:25s, my goal pace. 8:10s are not too too fast for me to run a couple miles, but I didn't think it was quite sustainable for a half. Things were moving along just fine. I got to mile 9 and thought, '4 miles? I got this.' Silly me.

Shortly after I past 10.5, I just died. My legs felt like big, brick chimneys, my breathing was all off. I was suddenly worried not about making my goal time but rather finishing at all. I walked through a water stop - the first time I've ever walked at all during a race. And that was the kiss of death. I did get going again after the water, but could only do a slow run/walk from miles 11.5-12.5. I was in a passing / passed by dance with a woman who was also struggling with finishing. At the same time we looked at each other and said, 'let's get through this together.' Her name was Megan, and I took it as a good sign. We indeed finished the last half mile running up a hill that normally barely phases me but felt like Kilimanjaro yesterday.

So I finished 5 minutes slower than my goal time. It could have been worse, yes. In the grand scheme of the world I recognize this is not a big deal. But it has never happened to me before, and it has me a little baffled. I'm in better shape than the last time I ran a half marathon, and I ended up 30 seconds slower. I trained hard, but not outrageously so. I tapered. I ate well last week, and got enough sleep. One bad run does not mean I'm destined to race poorly from now on. But I don't know what to do differently so it doesn't happen again. Yes, it was humid, and perhaps my body wasn't ready for a long run in that heat. Lots of folks were collapsing on the route. But I hydrated more than I normally do, before and during the run.

A little worried. But I'll be back at it after a few days off.

happy belated national running day

I seem destined to be behind this month. I keep thinking I can catch up, and then it's 9 on Thursday and my to-do list before my Sat class is longer than it was on Monday. I did, however, take the time to celebrate National Running Day with an introduction workshop in Chi Running, which is something I've heard about, and decided I'd be interested in looking into. Though the claims are enormous - people running far faster, far longer, and with no injuries - it seems to have quite a following and there's some actual research to back it up.

Basically, if you care, the premise is to move more toward the efficient running form , sort of like the one that we naturally used when we were kids. It relies on core activation and gravity to propel you forward, rather than using our foot strike and legs to do all the work. it's kind of related to the stuff in Born to Run, if you've read that. Anyway, it has a lot of good thinking behind it and I'm curious.

I read the book over the weekend, and had lots of questions about what it actually looked like. The intro was great, and even better, we went out for a run to put the principles into practice. We went pretty slow, which was fine, and I actually had a chance to run with the instructor for quite some time to talk about my form and how to transition to running faster. Though I can't think about it for Sunday, I do think it is absolutely worth devoting some real energy into learning about after the half. Anything that can help me be proactive with some of the slight but nagging pains I have and help me get more in tune with my chi (without having to do downward dog) is a good thing.