I'm in Fort Worth, TX. Not a place I've necessarily ever hoped to visit, but it's not bad. At least the hotel is really nice, and I found some places to run. And I had a good dinner last night too.
I brought along with me the briefcase bag my adviser gave me when I finished my defense. It was a nice gift, and I was thankful, though I already have a number of bags like that. But it seemed like a nice bag, I hadn't used it yet, and I thought it would be nice to use here for the first time at this conference. Perhaps she would notice me using it.
Funny, though, that within 2 hours of using it, both straps ripped off. So I ended up carrying the thing around balanced on my hip like a toddler or a grocery bag. I looked ridiculous, like a poor grad student who can't afford a decent bag. Except I do have a decent bag back home and only used this one to make it seem like I liked it in front of my adviser.
My adviser saw me, but didn't notice or comment on said broken bag.
Now it's day two of the conference and I'm having to carry everything around in my arms, since I don't want to attract attention with my broken bag, but I have lots of stuff to bring to my sessions. Annoying.
It seems like a perfect metaphor for my relationship with my adviser. Initially pretty and thoughtful, but broken when I really need it.
Showing posts with label grad school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grad school. Show all posts
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
fooling myself
I think the only way I survived last year was to tell myself that it would be so much better this year. That once I was done with the dissertation I would get my life back.
Ha.
It is better, it is. But I really shouldn't be working a part time job on top of my college prof gig. I love that I have one foot in the classroom, and I don't want to lose that. I think I'm doing a pretty good job at both jobs, and my mid-term evals were really positive. But...
I am so burned out. Exhausted. Out of steam. My pace last year and over the summer was bound to catch up to me. And it has. Big time. So even though I'm working slightly more reasonable hours, I just don't feel present.
I need to rejuvenate. Trying to figure out how to band-aid the situation until winter break, when I plan to sleep from Christmas to New Years. Screw family visitors and planning for my new class starting 1/3. I'll need to nap.
Ha.
It is better, it is. But I really shouldn't be working a part time job on top of my college prof gig. I love that I have one foot in the classroom, and I don't want to lose that. I think I'm doing a pretty good job at both jobs, and my mid-term evals were really positive. But...
I am so burned out. Exhausted. Out of steam. My pace last year and over the summer was bound to catch up to me. And it has. Big time. So even though I'm working slightly more reasonable hours, I just don't feel present.
I need to rejuvenate. Trying to figure out how to band-aid the situation until winter break, when I plan to sleep from Christmas to New Years. Screw family visitors and planning for my new class starting 1/3. I'll need to nap.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
a pretty cool piece of paper
The thing about getting a PhD is that you aren't actually done when you defend. You still have to submit your dissertation to the graduate school, get it approved, and then wait a few weeks until they officially grant the degree.
I got my diploma today, and found out I was officially awarded my degree earlier this week. I'd be lying if I said it was exciting or that I felt relieved or satisfied or much of anything.
But it's still a pretty cool piece of paper.
I got my diploma today, and found out I was officially awarded my degree earlier this week. I'd be lying if I said it was exciting or that I felt relieved or satisfied or much of anything.
But it's still a pretty cool piece of paper.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
peaceful awakening
It was so nice to wake up this morning and not immediately tighten with the anxiety and pressure of my dissertation. Yesterday was the craziest of days, but such a relief to be done.
I was so flattered to have so many folks come to hear my talk. It was such a glorious day, and the start of the state fair. To have them come inside to hear a talk before the school year even has started was really great.
It was great to have the chance to actually talk about my study in a sustained way with people who really understand what I was trying to do. This process was so solitary, I had no idea what anyone thought of my study or my dissertation. It was nice to have my work validated.
It hasn't quite sunk in, but it sure was great to go to a meeting this morning and be able to tell my new work colleagues that I passed and was done.
And now to pack in a summer's worth of fun into two days. Let's see what fun I can have!
I was so flattered to have so many folks come to hear my talk. It was such a glorious day, and the start of the state fair. To have them come inside to hear a talk before the school year even has started was really great.
It was great to have the chance to actually talk about my study in a sustained way with people who really understand what I was trying to do. This process was so solitary, I had no idea what anyone thought of my study or my dissertation. It was nice to have my work validated.
It hasn't quite sunk in, but it sure was great to go to a meeting this morning and be able to tell my new work colleagues that I passed and was done.
And now to pack in a summer's worth of fun into two days. Let's see what fun I can have!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
big deal day
Today will go down as a really big day in my life.
I successfully completed a doctoral program, passed my dissertation defense, and earned my PhD.
More tomorrow...
I successfully completed a doctoral program, passed my dissertation defense, and earned my PhD.
More tomorrow...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
in defense of my work
It all comes down to a few hours tomorrow. The fate of my graduate career, the last five years of blood, sweat, and tears (not a ton of blood but a little at least, and more than enough sweat and tears), is in the hands of four people. Twenty-five years as a student has lead me here. And four people will vote on if I get my PhD or not.
I have worked ridiculously hard to get here. I'm really excited for tomorrow. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. However, I believe in my work, and I can defend my insights. And that's all I can do.
Here we go.
I have worked ridiculously hard to get here. I'm really excited for tomorrow. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. However, I believe in my work, and I can defend my insights. And that's all I can do.
Here we go.
Monday, August 9, 2010
I'll sleep when I'm dead, I guess
I'm really tired. Tired of staying up late and working day and night on this stupid paper. Seriously, I never want to see it again. After the 26th. Well, that's not true. I need it to get me a couple presentations and publications so I can keep my job. But a lot of it doesn't even feel like mine, as I'm making the revisions and edits my adviser wants.
I recognize the irony in complaining about having to make the revisions I so desperately pleaded for over the last two months. Is that irony? No, it's something else, but I have no brain power left and I can't think of what it is.
There's just so much to do. And only three more days to do it all. Oh, and my syllabi for the fall are due in a week. And we're saying final good-byes to a friend moving to Greece. And after I get this diss written, I still have to develop my presentation for my defense.
Ok, one thing at a time. I always get things done. I'm sure I'll survive this too.
Looks like some all- or near all-nighters are in my near future. And probably not much blogging. See you on the flip side.
I recognize the irony in complaining about having to make the revisions I so desperately pleaded for over the last two months. Is that irony? No, it's something else, but I have no brain power left and I can't think of what it is.
There's just so much to do. And only three more days to do it all. Oh, and my syllabi for the fall are due in a week. And we're saying final good-byes to a friend moving to Greece. And after I get this diss written, I still have to develop my presentation for my defense.
Ok, one thing at a time. I always get things done. I'm sure I'll survive this too.
Looks like some all- or near all-nighters are in my near future. And probably not much blogging. See you on the flip side.
Monday, August 2, 2010
my adviser's back, and I'm gonna be in trouble
Adviser is back as of yesterday (theoretically, that is. I don't know whether all went according to plan). I thought about sitting outside her house with a copy of my revised draft and a thermos of coffee, waiting for her to get back. "Here you go. I'll wait."
I didn't think that'd go over well, so I decided just to email it to her.
The threat of identity theft last week left me a bit distracted, and I'm not thrilled with the outcome of this latest draft. I feel like chapters 1-5 (the ones I got feedback on) are in really good shape. Chapters 6-7 are passable (which, really, is all that matters at this point. Passing). Chapter 8 is a disaster. It is also probably the most important chapter. So that's not good. Granted, I only got feedback on 5 chapters, so I guess I'm ahead of the game?? Maybe not.
Please, let her pull through for me this week. Please.
At least I got 6.5 hours of sleep last night. Feel like a new woman and ready to deal with whatever (if anything) she throws my way.
I didn't think that'd go over well, so I decided just to email it to her.
The threat of identity theft last week left me a bit distracted, and I'm not thrilled with the outcome of this latest draft. I feel like chapters 1-5 (the ones I got feedback on) are in really good shape. Chapters 6-7 are passable (which, really, is all that matters at this point. Passing). Chapter 8 is a disaster. It is also probably the most important chapter. So that's not good. Granted, I only got feedback on 5 chapters, so I guess I'm ahead of the game?? Maybe not.
Please, let her pull through for me this week. Please.
At least I got 6.5 hours of sleep last night. Feel like a new woman and ready to deal with whatever (if anything) she throws my way.
Monday, July 26, 2010
she works hard for the money
It's time to get serious here.
No more of this b-s about being paralyzed with fear over finishing, or whining about not having enough feedback, or waa!, waa! writer's block, or how am I gonna move all that stuff out of my office to make room for my sister, or oh my sheets need to be washed, or I'd rather watch that documentary on hagfish.
This is it. I have seven days til the prodigal adviser's return and thus seven days to finish the revisions and get a new draft to her. And it has to be good, because that leaves only 10 more days before the finished version has to go out to my committee. Enough time to do some final edits, but not enough time to do major reworking. I finished Chapter 2 revisions over the weekend, so that means one chapter per day.
I'm well stocked in coffee and diet coke, Bridget is in the DVD player, and I've got my game face on again. I think I can, I think I can.
Actually: I have no choice, I have no choice.
Get. It. Done.
No more of this b-s about being paralyzed with fear over finishing, or whining about not having enough feedback, or waa!, waa! writer's block, or how am I gonna move all that stuff out of my office to make room for my sister, or oh my sheets need to be washed, or I'd rather watch that documentary on hagfish.
This is it. I have seven days til the prodigal adviser's return and thus seven days to finish the revisions and get a new draft to her. And it has to be good, because that leaves only 10 more days before the finished version has to go out to my committee. Enough time to do some final edits, but not enough time to do major reworking. I finished Chapter 2 revisions over the weekend, so that means one chapter per day.
I'm well stocked in coffee and diet coke, Bridget is in the DVD player, and I've got my game face on again. I think I can, I think I can.
Actually: I have no choice, I have no choice.
Get. It. Done.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
grad school: the gift that keeps on taking
I started thinking about being done. It will be here before I know it. And since I have a job in academia and will wear a hood and gown at opening convocation and graduation every year (as long as I keep my job, that is), I thought it would be a good idea to see what those bad boys cost.
Depending on what option I choose, I could conceivably spend $833 (plus tax and shipping). For a freaking graduation gown. Seriously, that is ridiculous. To quote my mom: "Egads!"
Luckily, my dad is super excited for me and wanted me to wear his gown to my opening convo this year (it's his final year of academia life, my first... very sweet). So I have no problem with that request. I definitely want my own hood and cap, which would only run me a little over $200. And I think in the long run, maybe I'll want my own gown too, but I'm going to have to hold off on that one. Even $269 for the cheapest one seems outrageous to me. But $629? Crazy, right?
This goes on my "no one ever told me..." about grad school list.
Depending on what option I choose, I could conceivably spend $833 (plus tax and shipping). For a freaking graduation gown. Seriously, that is ridiculous. To quote my mom: "Egads!"
Luckily, my dad is super excited for me and wanted me to wear his gown to my opening convo this year (it's his final year of academia life, my first... very sweet). So I have no problem with that request. I definitely want my own hood and cap, which would only run me a little over $200. And I think in the long run, maybe I'll want my own gown too, but I'm going to have to hold off on that one. Even $269 for the cheapest one seems outrageous to me. But $629? Crazy, right?
This goes on my "no one ever told me..." about grad school list.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
to go or not to go
I have had three major panic attacks in the last week. The bad kind, resulting in me passing out from my blood pressure dropping so low. At least I know to lie down on the floor now, and there's little chance of me getting really hurt. They are still scary, but I know I'm not really dying. Even if I feel like I am.
I think there are a lot of reasons for the panic attacks. But currently I'm freaking out about a trip I (stupidly) planned for the second weekend in August. I haven't been out to MA to visit my goddaughter since last summer, and I'm feeling massive guilt about that.
Back when I booked the trip back in May, the second weekend in August didn't seem like it would be that stressful. Back then, I was still expecting my adviser to have provided me feedback on my entire dissertation before her trip so I would be able to work on it intentionally and directly throughout July. Back then, I figured at most I would have some final cleaning up to do over that weekend before sending it off to my committee.
That was then. This is now.
Now, my adviser still hasn't provided me initial feedback on over half my dissertation. Now, I will have roughly ten days to revise and edit the entire dissertation upon her return. And that's if she even gives me feedback on those chapters. Now, that weekend will either require quick turnaround on her feedback or else will be spent revising based on finding someone else to pay to help me (anyone know any good professional editors?). Now, I think losing those four days of work is irresponsible. And despite additional anxiety about finances, the $150 change fee seems worth it.
Freaking out over here.
I think there are a lot of reasons for the panic attacks. But currently I'm freaking out about a trip I (stupidly) planned for the second weekend in August. I haven't been out to MA to visit my goddaughter since last summer, and I'm feeling massive guilt about that.
Back when I booked the trip back in May, the second weekend in August didn't seem like it would be that stressful. Back then, I was still expecting my adviser to have provided me feedback on my entire dissertation before her trip so I would be able to work on it intentionally and directly throughout July. Back then, I figured at most I would have some final cleaning up to do over that weekend before sending it off to my committee.
That was then. This is now.
Now, my adviser still hasn't provided me initial feedback on over half my dissertation. Now, I will have roughly ten days to revise and edit the entire dissertation upon her return. And that's if she even gives me feedback on those chapters. Now, that weekend will either require quick turnaround on her feedback or else will be spent revising based on finding someone else to pay to help me (anyone know any good professional editors?). Now, I think losing those four days of work is irresponsible. And despite additional anxiety about finances, the $150 change fee seems worth it.
Freaking out over here.
Monday, July 19, 2010
promises broken: a story told in email
Sent: Friday, June 18, 2010 9:37 PM
To: [adviser]
Subject: guest lecture?
Hi -
I can do this. 10:30 on the 29th works fine with my schedule. I'll see you then.
I'm really hoping to get some feedback before you go away for your long trip in New Zealand, which I know is coming up fast. I've been working really hard to get you my chapters in advance of that trip. Will you be getting to this before you go?
If you're not, could you help me figure out somewhere to go for some help with revisions and editing? I know I need help, and if I can't get a first round of feedback until after you return, it will be near impossible for me to finish by my defense date. I'm just getting a little anxious as your trip looms.
--------------------------------------
Sent: June 21, 2010, at 12:39 PM
To: [me]
Subject: guest lecture?
Hi—
I am so sorry to worry you. I will help you with your chapters and revisions—that’s something I want to do and that is my role as your advisor. I am on vacation in Missouri this week, but I will work to read and send you revision ideas throughout the week. Here is chapter 1—if you have questions or concerns at any time, email me.
We will get this done—my goal is that you’ll have feedback on all chapters you’ve send me before I leave July 5th!
----------------------------------------------
Sent: Monday, June 21, 2010 12:44 PM
To: [adviser]
Subject: guest lecture?
Thanks. That does put my mind at ease.
Also, chapter 1 didn't attach. Could you resend it?
Thanks.
--------------------------------------
Sent: On Jun 27, 2010, at 3:30 PM
To: [me]
Subject: Re: RE:
Here are chapters 2 and 3. I also am attaching a sample outline for chapter 3 that shows the components you want in this chapter, ok? Just a suggestion.
I really pressed through the chapters so forgive the brief and sometimes brusque tone in comments to you. I don’t mean to be rude at all or to suggest that things are not good. In fact, your dissertation draft is one of the best 1st drafts I’ve had the pleasure to read!! You are on the right track with your writing (content and style) and we will just work to keep making the document excellent, ok?
More feedback tomorrow—
---------------------------------------------
9 days later:
Sent: Monday, July 05, 2010 4:19 PM
To: [adviser]
Subject: Re: dissertation chapters
Hi -
I know you leave tomorrow for your trip (I'm sure you're really excited). I
hope you'll have a chance to look at my chapters, because I would really
like to work on it so that it's ready when you return.
Thanks.
--------------------------------------------
Sent: Monday, July 05, 2010 8:23 PM
To: [me]
Subject: Re: RE: RE:
Hi there--
Have no fear--you are tops on my list tonight. I have a very good start on your work and plan to send you chapters before I depart! I have been working a bit on about 3 efforts and am getting through things in pretty good fashion.
I am feeling calm about the trip but a bit crazy--I am sure all will be fine by 11 a.m. tomorrow when I walk out the door.--
-----------------------------------
the next day, from the airport:
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 11:46 AM
To: [me]
Subject: chapter 4 with more to come
Hi there—
I am happily reading your chapters—I have made it through 8 and see no high problems at all!! I do have lots of suggestions and have started to make these for you, chapter-by-chapter. Here is ½ of chapter 4—I will keep working on this all day today since I will be traveling on several flights before I actually get to LAX and head to NZ late tonight.
I will get you feedback…
---------------
the next day:
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 4:19 PM
To: [me]
Subject: chapter 4 with more to come
I am on layover in Fiji at the moment. More to come in the next few days.--
-----------------------------------
eight days later, still no word:
Sent: Thursday, July 15, 2010 7:13 PM
To: [adviser]
Subject: Re: chapter 4 with more to come
Hi -
Just wanted to let you know that I'm a little stalled on revisions, hoping for some feedback on the remaining chapters. Any chance you've been able to look at the rest? I'm still really hoping to be done in time for my scheduled defense, and getting anxious about that.
Thanks.
---------------
the next day:
Sent: Friday, July 16, 2010 5:02 PM
To: [me]
Subject: chapter 4 with more to come
Hi -
I have had a bit of trouble getting internet connections but I have them now. I will work to send more revision suggestions later today. I am sure you will be able to complete things on time for the August date--don't worry. If you can work on your class prep like we talked about during down times in July (when I can't get revisions to you) that would be a good thing.
I need to find some way to channel my anger. This last snarky email from her really pissed me off.
this is what I want to write back. insert "fucking" where appropriate:
Actually, we "talked about" you giving me the feedback on all my dissertation chapters before you left for your month-long vaca. And of course I have been working hard on my syllabi. But I'm actually much more concerned about completing my dissertation and passing my defense so that I can start at my new job with this behind me. You had said you would have all the chapters back before you left as we had agreed, and there is not much time after you return before I have to get this turned around and to my committee.
You really let me down. It is not my fault you did not complete this work in the two weeks before you left. I know in your narcissistic world, you don't much care whether I finish or not. Frankly, I wouldn't be too surprised if you hoped I didn't finish so you could keep me under your thumb a little longer. And maybe you don't realize this, but I don't get my full salary at my new job if I'm not done with my dissertation. I could not be more excited to be done with this dissertation so I don't have to work for you any more.
what I actually wrote:
Thanks, [adviser]. I have been working hard on my syllabi. But I'm actually much more concerned about completing my dissertation and passing my defense so that I can start my new job with that completed. I had thought I would have feedback on all the chapters back before you left so I could work on both. There just is not much time after you return before I have to get this turned around and to my committee.
I'll trust that we'll work to finish this, and I'll keep working without feedback and will look forward to it when you have a chance to get back to me.
A bit toned down from my first draft, but I can be snarky right back. I'm pissed off and she needs to know it.
To: [adviser]
Subject: guest lecture?
Hi -
I can do this. 10:30 on the 29th works fine with my schedule. I'll see you then.
I'm really hoping to get some feedback before you go away for your long trip in New Zealand, which I know is coming up fast. I've been working really hard to get you my chapters in advance of that trip. Will you be getting to this before you go?
If you're not, could you help me figure out somewhere to go for some help with revisions and editing? I know I need help, and if I can't get a first round of feedback until after you return, it will be near impossible for me to finish by my defense date. I'm just getting a little anxious as your trip looms.
--------------------------------------
Sent: June 21, 2010, at 12:39 PM
To: [me]
Subject: guest lecture?
Hi—
I am so sorry to worry you. I will help you with your chapters and revisions—that’s something I want to do and that is my role as your advisor. I am on vacation in Missouri this week, but I will work to read and send you revision ideas throughout the week. Here is chapter 1—if you have questions or concerns at any time, email me.
We will get this done—my goal is that you’ll have feedback on all chapters you’ve send me before I leave July 5th!
----------------------------------------------
Sent: Monday, June 21, 2010 12:44 PM
To: [adviser]
Subject: guest lecture?
Thanks. That does put my mind at ease.
Also, chapter 1 didn't attach. Could you resend it?
Thanks.
--------------------------------------
Sent: On Jun 27, 2010, at 3:30 PM
To: [me]
Subject: Re: RE:
Here are chapters 2 and 3. I also am attaching a sample outline for chapter 3 that shows the components you want in this chapter, ok? Just a suggestion.
I really pressed through the chapters so forgive the brief and sometimes brusque tone in comments to you. I don’t mean to be rude at all or to suggest that things are not good. In fact, your dissertation draft is one of the best 1st drafts I’ve had the pleasure to read!! You are on the right track with your writing (content and style) and we will just work to keep making the document excellent, ok?
More feedback tomorrow—
---------------------------------------------
9 days later:
Sent: Monday, July 05, 2010 4:19 PM
To: [adviser]
Subject: Re: dissertation chapters
Hi -
I know you leave tomorrow for your trip (I'm sure you're really excited). I
hope you'll have a chance to look at my chapters, because I would really
like to work on it so that it's ready when you return.
Thanks.
--------------------------------------------
Sent: Monday, July 05, 2010 8:23 PM
To: [me]
Subject: Re: RE: RE:
Hi there--
Have no fear--you are tops on my list tonight. I have a very good start on your work and plan to send you chapters before I depart! I have been working a bit on about 3 efforts and am getting through things in pretty good fashion.
I am feeling calm about the trip but a bit crazy--I am sure all will be fine by 11 a.m. tomorrow when I walk out the door.--
-----------------------------------
the next day, from the airport:
Sent: Tuesday, July 06, 2010 11:46 AM
To: [me]
Subject: chapter 4 with more to come
Hi there—
I am happily reading your chapters—I have made it through 8 and see no high problems at all!! I do have lots of suggestions and have started to make these for you, chapter-by-chapter. Here is ½ of chapter 4—I will keep working on this all day today since I will be traveling on several flights before I actually get to LAX and head to NZ late tonight.
I will get you feedback…
---------------
the next day:
Sent: Wednesday, July 07, 2010 4:19 PM
To: [me]
Subject: chapter 4 with more to come
I am on layover in Fiji at the moment. More to come in the next few days.--
-----------------------------------
eight days later, still no word:
Sent: Thursday, July 15, 2010 7:13 PM
To: [adviser]
Subject: Re: chapter 4 with more to come
Hi -
Just wanted to let you know that I'm a little stalled on revisions, hoping for some feedback on the remaining chapters. Any chance you've been able to look at the rest? I'm still really hoping to be done in time for my scheduled defense, and getting anxious about that.
Thanks.
---------------
the next day:
Sent: Friday, July 16, 2010 5:02 PM
To: [me]
Subject: chapter 4 with more to come
Hi -
I have had a bit of trouble getting internet connections but I have them now. I will work to send more revision suggestions later today. I am sure you will be able to complete things on time for the August date--don't worry. If you can work on your class prep like we talked about during down times in July (when I can't get revisions to you) that would be a good thing.
I need to find some way to channel my anger. This last snarky email from her really pissed me off.
this is what I want to write back. insert "fucking" where appropriate:
Actually, we "talked about" you giving me the feedback on all my dissertation chapters before you left for your month-long vaca. And of course I have been working hard on my syllabi. But I'm actually much more concerned about completing my dissertation and passing my defense so that I can start at my new job with this behind me. You had said you would have all the chapters back before you left as we had agreed, and there is not much time after you return before I have to get this turned around and to my committee.
You really let me down. It is not my fault you did not complete this work in the two weeks before you left. I know in your narcissistic world, you don't much care whether I finish or not. Frankly, I wouldn't be too surprised if you hoped I didn't finish so you could keep me under your thumb a little longer. And maybe you don't realize this, but I don't get my full salary at my new job if I'm not done with my dissertation. I could not be more excited to be done with this dissertation so I don't have to work for you any more.
what I actually wrote:
Thanks, [adviser]. I have been working hard on my syllabi. But I'm actually much more concerned about completing my dissertation and passing my defense so that I can start my new job with that completed. I had thought I would have feedback on all the chapters back before you left so I could work on both. There just is not much time after you return before I have to get this turned around and to my committee.
I'll trust that we'll work to finish this, and I'll keep working without feedback and will look forward to it when you have a chance to get back to me.
A bit toned down from my first draft, but I can be snarky right back. I'm pissed off and she needs to know it.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
how bridget jones got me through graduate school
As I'm drafting the acknowledgments in my dissertation, I will be the dutiful grad student and thank my adviser and committee members for their support and for sharing their time, energy, and expertise to get me to the point of completion.
In reality, I want to thank Bridget Jones.
I know that I actually could not have finished without my committee. I need them to read my dissertation, spend a couple hours listening to me talk about it and ask tough questions, and sign a form saying that I pass (I hope). Aside from this, however, they did not share much time, energy, expertise, or support for this work. They provided some feedback at my proposal meeting a year and a half ago, and I went on my merry way.
Or not so merry, as it was at times. I tried in vain for help with my recruitment, but my emails were persistently ignored. I asked for time to meet to discuss my analysis, but again, never heard back. My adviser stepped it up a bit and provided some measure of feedback on my chapters in at the eleventh hour, but I'm left with lots of questions and no where to go. But blah, blah, blah, you've heard all this already.
So what has got me through my dissertation? Bridget Jones. Somewhere in my second year of graduate school, I found that the first Bridget Jones movie was the perfect background noise to have on while writing papers. It was a movie I knew well enough that I didn't really have to listen to it. And I enjoyed it enough that when I needed a break, I could watch for a minute or two, be happy, and then return to writing. Unless it was that ridiculous fight scene between wusses Daniel (Hugh Grant) and Mark (Colin Firth). I rarely watch that scene. I do not think it an understatement to say that the movie was played a hundred times over the course of my graduate career. Heck, I had it on at least 15 times just while writing the draft of my dissertation, and I'm not done yet.
If Bridget Jones could keep getting up every morning despite the disaster she often created in her life, I could finish grad school.
This process was isolating and intensely solitary. I tried to set up regular dissertation writing support, both formal and informal, but things always fell apart before they got started. With the exception of a few brief conversations with fellow grad students, usually somewhere after the first beer, I talked with no one about my work. Oh, except my therapist. But I pay her, so I can talk about whatever I want to. I did not know this is what grad school would be like.
No man is an island, and when I consider the people I truly want to thank for helping me, Bridget is at the top of the list.
In reality, I want to thank Bridget Jones.
I know that I actually could not have finished without my committee. I need them to read my dissertation, spend a couple hours listening to me talk about it and ask tough questions, and sign a form saying that I pass (I hope). Aside from this, however, they did not share much time, energy, expertise, or support for this work. They provided some feedback at my proposal meeting a year and a half ago, and I went on my merry way.
Or not so merry, as it was at times. I tried in vain for help with my recruitment, but my emails were persistently ignored. I asked for time to meet to discuss my analysis, but again, never heard back. My adviser stepped it up a bit and provided some measure of feedback on my chapters in at the eleventh hour, but I'm left with lots of questions and no where to go. But blah, blah, blah, you've heard all this already.
So what has got me through my dissertation? Bridget Jones. Somewhere in my second year of graduate school, I found that the first Bridget Jones movie was the perfect background noise to have on while writing papers. It was a movie I knew well enough that I didn't really have to listen to it. And I enjoyed it enough that when I needed a break, I could watch for a minute or two, be happy, and then return to writing. Unless it was that ridiculous fight scene between wusses Daniel (Hugh Grant) and Mark (Colin Firth). I rarely watch that scene. I do not think it an understatement to say that the movie was played a hundred times over the course of my graduate career. Heck, I had it on at least 15 times just while writing the draft of my dissertation, and I'm not done yet.
If Bridget Jones could keep getting up every morning despite the disaster she often created in her life, I could finish grad school.
This process was isolating and intensely solitary. I tried to set up regular dissertation writing support, both formal and informal, but things always fell apart before they got started. With the exception of a few brief conversations with fellow grad students, usually somewhere after the first beer, I talked with no one about my work. Oh, except my therapist. But I pay her, so I can talk about whatever I want to. I did not know this is what grad school would be like.
No man is an island, and when I consider the people I truly want to thank for helping me, Bridget is at the top of the list.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
focus group
This past spring semester, the Center for Teaching and Learning at the university offered a series of Friday workshops they called, "Grad School Commons." The purpose of the sessions were a dedicated time for quiet work in the morning, and the opportunity to sign up for individual or small group consultations on topics related to grad school. Workshops included preparing for job talks and interviews, work-life balance, networking, institutional review board applications, the adviser-advisee relationship. Maybe I should have attended that last one...
I participated in the quiet work time a few weeks, and met with someone to talk about preparing for my teaching demonstration before my first academic job interview.
The center decided to hold some focus groups to determine what should stay the same and what could be changed to make Grad School Commons more beneficial for students. As a student much closer to the end than the beginning, I had a lot to share about the grad school experience. Some of it I was surprised to find myself saying about my time at the U and getting my PhD.
There were a lot of good things to say. Who knew?
I participated in the quiet work time a few weeks, and met with someone to talk about preparing for my teaching demonstration before my first academic job interview.
The center decided to hold some focus groups to determine what should stay the same and what could be changed to make Grad School Commons more beneficial for students. As a student much closer to the end than the beginning, I had a lot to share about the grad school experience. Some of it I was surprised to find myself saying about my time at the U and getting my PhD.
There were a lot of good things to say. Who knew?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
checking in
Chapters:
8 drafts completed
0 to go
making progress again.
Feedback:
8 chapters sent
1 chapter returned
she lives!
Pounds:
5 lost
5 to go
which is good, because I got an email announcing "big and beautiful singles" looking just for me, and I'm not sure I want to be a big and beautiful single or that I'm particularly interested in any looking for me.
8 drafts completed
0 to go
making progress again.
Feedback:
8 chapters sent
1 chapter returned
she lives!
Pounds:
5 lost
5 to go
which is good, because I got an email announcing "big and beautiful singles" looking just for me, and I'm not sure I want to be a big and beautiful single or that I'm particularly interested in any looking for me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
owe: to be under obligation
I hate it, and kinda love it, when people who owe you something ask for a favor. It's a sort of delicious place to sit, if you can get over the frustration.
I'm in the frustrated place, not the delicious place.
On Thursday, I finally heard from my adviser. To ask me to prepare a talk for her class. And because I'm still under her thumb, I have to say yes. She wrote back to thank me, and to let me know she's headed out of town for a week for vacation (before her 5 week vacation? seriously?), and she won't be able to get anything done until she returns. (But then she's teaching for the week, and then she leaves for the month.)
So, I finally laid it all out there and wrote back that I really hoped for some feedback, and that if she wasn't going to get to it before she goes on her long vacation, could she help me figure out somewhere to go for help. I'm killing myself over here to get her the chapters in time for her to provide feedback, and if she's not going to look at them before she leaves, then I'm not going to keep this ridiculous pace.
We'll see what she says.
I know she's busy. Join the club. I know that I'm clearly not a priority. But I need to look out for myself. It's her job to help me finish, to give me feedback. This is not a favor on her part. And I've asked little of her as an adviser, and worked my tail off for her. Yes, she wrote me a great recommendation, but I earned that. It wasn't a gift.
If she doesn't come through for me, I'm done. No more favors. No more working late nights. No more mentoring her grad students instead of her doing her job. I have some pretty serious reasons for wanting to be done, besides just wanting to be done. If I'm not a PhD before I start my new job, I lose money. And at the meager salary at which I was hired, I need all the money I can earn.
Finishing this degree will be as much a celebration of what I get to leave behind as it is about what I'm moving toward. I don't think I'll be shedding too many tears thinking about not working for her any more.
Feeling witchy again. Going to yoga at the lake. Hoping for some zen.
I'm in the frustrated place, not the delicious place.
On Thursday, I finally heard from my adviser. To ask me to prepare a talk for her class. And because I'm still under her thumb, I have to say yes. She wrote back to thank me, and to let me know she's headed out of town for a week for vacation (before her 5 week vacation? seriously?), and she won't be able to get anything done until she returns. (But then she's teaching for the week, and then she leaves for the month.)
So, I finally laid it all out there and wrote back that I really hoped for some feedback, and that if she wasn't going to get to it before she goes on her long vacation, could she help me figure out somewhere to go for help. I'm killing myself over here to get her the chapters in time for her to provide feedback, and if she's not going to look at them before she leaves, then I'm not going to keep this ridiculous pace.
We'll see what she says.
I know she's busy. Join the club. I know that I'm clearly not a priority. But I need to look out for myself. It's her job to help me finish, to give me feedback. This is not a favor on her part. And I've asked little of her as an adviser, and worked my tail off for her. Yes, she wrote me a great recommendation, but I earned that. It wasn't a gift.
If she doesn't come through for me, I'm done. No more favors. No more working late nights. No more mentoring her grad students instead of her doing her job. I have some pretty serious reasons for wanting to be done, besides just wanting to be done. If I'm not a PhD before I start my new job, I lose money. And at the meager salary at which I was hired, I need all the money I can earn.
Finishing this degree will be as much a celebration of what I get to leave behind as it is about what I'm moving toward. I don't think I'll be shedding too many tears thinking about not working for her any more.
Feeling witchy again. Going to yoga at the lake. Hoping for some zen.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
writer's block...
...is not something I've ever really suffered from or worried about. I've struggled with projects, sure. But in the end I've always been able to put something together, on time, that got the job done. I haven't been completely proud of everything I've written in grad school, but a done paper is most of the battle.
The problem with my crazy deadline for this draft is that I don't really have time to procrastinate. Which is really part of my process. I don't have time sit and think. Think. I've been committing words to paper pretty much nonstop for 21 days. And I need to think. But I have to keep writing.
Everyone in grad school, probably everyone at some point, feels like a fraud. I've had a number of crushing crises regarding myself as an impostor over the years. Someone is going to figure out that I don't belong. At some point in the near future, I will likely have this feeling about my new job. But the last 72 hours I've been squashed by this fear that the chapters I've already sent will cause my adviser to, well, I don't know. Fail me on the spot. Laugh. Be disappointed. Waiting is only making it worse. And making it hard to move forward with my last two chapters. As long as the draft isn't done, it can't be terrible.
Maybe writing about my writer's block will be cathartic enough that I can move on. Here's hoping.
The problem with my crazy deadline for this draft is that I don't really have time to procrastinate. Which is really part of my process. I don't have time sit and think. Think. I've been committing words to paper pretty much nonstop for 21 days. And I need to think. But I have to keep writing.
Everyone in grad school, probably everyone at some point, feels like a fraud. I've had a number of crushing crises regarding myself as an impostor over the years. Someone is going to figure out that I don't belong. At some point in the near future, I will likely have this feeling about my new job. But the last 72 hours I've been squashed by this fear that the chapters I've already sent will cause my adviser to, well, I don't know. Fail me on the spot. Laugh. Be disappointed. Waiting is only making it worse. And making it hard to move forward with my last two chapters. As long as the draft isn't done, it can't be terrible.
Maybe writing about my writer's block will be cathartic enough that I can move on. Here's hoping.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
jealous much?
I have been having visceral reactions to emails announcing fellow grad students' dissertation defenses.
This is me:
In theory, I am happy for them. In reality, I'm green with envy, and feel as though those folks are like Dorothy, skipping along and flaunting their success, oblivious to my anxiety. And right now, it's all about me.
I'm angry that I'm not getting any feedback from my adviser to help me know how to move forward. She's had those first three chapters for over two weeks now. So I'm feeling stuck. Not quite under-a-house-with-my-ruby-slippers-hanging-out stuck like the witch's sis, but pretty close.
People tell me I'll look back at this time and laugh about how worked up I got over it. Most of these people, mind you, have not written a dissertation, so I'm doubtful. But I do know that some day come hell or high water (I'm melting...), I'll be skipping along the yellow brick road too. And I did make a lot of progress towards that this weekend, so maybe I will soon see the light. I actually think it is because I'm close that I'm so much more jealous.
I don't intend to harm any little dogs or cute girls in red shoes. I don't keep flying monkeys in cages. And I don't think I'm quite as evil as dear Witch of the West. But in my current witchy state, I think I best lay low for a few days until these last chapters are out of my hands and sent hopefully awaiting revisions to my adviser's inbox. I don't want to scare any small children.
This is me:
In theory, I am happy for them. In reality, I'm green with envy, and feel as though those folks are like Dorothy, skipping along and flaunting their success, oblivious to my anxiety. And right now, it's all about me.
I'm angry that I'm not getting any feedback from my adviser to help me know how to move forward. She's had those first three chapters for over two weeks now. So I'm feeling stuck. Not quite under-a-house-with-my-ruby-slippers-hanging-out stuck like the witch's sis, but pretty close.
People tell me I'll look back at this time and laugh about how worked up I got over it. Most of these people, mind you, have not written a dissertation, so I'm doubtful. But I do know that some day come hell or high water (I'm melting...), I'll be skipping along the yellow brick road too. And I did make a lot of progress towards that this weekend, so maybe I will soon see the light. I actually think it is because I'm close that I'm so much more jealous.
I don't intend to harm any little dogs or cute girls in red shoes. I don't keep flying monkeys in cages. And I don't think I'm quite as evil as dear Witch of the West. But in my current witchy state, I think I best lay low for a few days until these last chapters are out of my hands and sent hopefully awaiting revisions to my adviser's inbox. I don't want to scare any small children.
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