feeling crappy but trying to see the silver lining

If I feel good about one thing with the end of this relationship, it's that I found a way to tell him exactly what I was feeling. I don't always do that, so I'm glad I took an opportunity to confront him.

I didn't sleep at all after I got home Saturday night, scrubbing my kitchen clean of the mess I had made making food for his party. At one point around 3am I thought about going for a run, but logic took over and I realized that just after bar close the Saturday of Halloween was probably not the wisest time for a woman to go for a run by herself.

I texted the guy late morning on Sunday with a list of things I'd left at his house and told him he could drop them off on my front porch. And since his best friend had made me promise at least 15 times to give the guy the recipe for some cookies I had brought, I also texted that the recipe would be on the front porch. He responded that he'd be by later that afternoon.

As the day wore on, it was eating me up that I had been so caught off guard by the ending that I hadn't said anything when he ended it on Saturday night. Well, I muttered something about how I think it was unfair that he had invited me to his party to meet all his friends if he was just going to break up with me after he asked that ridiculous, "What do you think about that?" question when he dropped the "It's been great getting to know you, but don't want to date you any more" bomb.

Anyway, I decided that even if he didn't owe me an explanation, I deserved to be able to say something. So I waited for him to show up and accosted him on the porch.

I told him that even if he didn't owe me an explanation, he hadn't given me even the slightest indication that was how things were going to end that evening. No mixed signals since we started dating, only signals that all was a go. I told him that we had had a great Friday night and Saturday morning, that I had been excited to meet his friends and thought the evening had gone splendidly, and that I felt really foolish for having been there when he just dumped me. I told him that making out with someone and, a minute and a half later, breaking up with them is an asshole move and that then saying that you don't owe someone an explanation is an asshole line. I told him that seemed really out of character, which made things even more confusing. And to the comment about how we met, I said that yes, our introduction was more of a "meet-unconventional" than a "meet-cute," but seriously, how long does that really matter? And that I thought we were really enjoying each other's company and had a tremendous amount in common, both things we do and what we believe and value and how we live our lives, and that I thought there was something really promising and I was disappointed that it was ending so abruptly.

He said he understood why I would feel that it wasn't fair how he handled things on Saturday, and that he could only say that he's all in until it isn't working and then he ends it. [So apparently, he spent a whopping 90 seconds deciding the fate of our relationship, which makes me feel just awesomely extraordinary.] He said something about us maybe moving too fast, and then said he was sorry about the way it ended.

We stared at each other for a minute and then I think I thanked him for bringing my stuff over and I turned around and locked the door.

I went inside and in the bag of my stuff there was this note:


I think my favorite part of this is the "extra" in the last line. He didn't want to hurt me extra. Only the normal amount did he intend to hurt me. That and the fact that he dated it. As if I wouldn't know when he wrote it. Or as if I'd want to keep it forever to look back on fondly.

I do recognize that he didn't have to write me a note when he dropped my stuff off. But there's no way out of this one dude. You can't make up for dick behavior with a daisy card.

I had mostly been mad all day. Actually, I was sort of shocked most of it mixed with anger at times. After he left, I was just sad. I disintegrated to a puddle for an hour or so, took a hot shower and met some dear friends for a drink. After not sleeping a wink on Saturday, I fell dead asleep and felt much better today. Not all better. I still don't think I can keep doing this. But I feel more human. Trying to be thankful it wasn't six months from now when he did this. Better now than later, and though that doesn't make me feel better exactly, I'm trying to look on the bright side.

A friend and my sister over pedicures and dinner tonight decided that because this whole situation is so weird and awful, that I should just pick a reason it ended and stick to it. I won't ever know why, so there's little point trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I honestly can't think of a thing I would do differently. So the story we decided on was that he has a lot of baggage and freaked out about a relationship with someone great that might get serious. It's a pretty cliche thing that girls tell each other at the end of relationships a-la "He's just not that into you," and I don't actually think that's the reason, but who knows? And it makes me feel better than thinking that it's because I'm too fat or not pretty enough or I said something wrong or I'm not interesting enough or his friends didn't like me.

I'll be fine. I'm not sure it's worth it to keep putting myself out there. I feel like this was maybe my shot at a relationship with a perfect guy (who, yes, turned into an asshole at the end, but otherwise was awesome) and that I blew it. I just don't have much faith that there is anyone out there for me.

But I'll be fine.

what the fuck?

had a great friday night. met the guy for a run, hung out in the hot tub, had some fun. then made dinner. had more fun. went to his halloween party saturday night, met his friends. stole away moments to make out. all was great. made out after everyone left.

and then he said he didn't want to date me any more. asked me what i thought about that (what is there to say?), and said he needed to listen to his gut. he said he was thrown off by how we met and gave me a lot of credit for going with it. he said that didn't have anything to do with not wanting to see me though. then he said since we hadn't been going out very long he didn't owe me an explanation. i picked up my clothes from his floor, grabbed the plates i had brought over with food and left.

confused. hurt. embarrassed i got so excited about this one.

seriously don't think i can keep doing this.

compassion

"I'm broke. I'm unemployed. I'm homeless, and I'm heartbroken."

While I'm still a little miffed that my sister hasn't shared anything about her breakup, I'm feeling a little more generous towards her after she said the above quote at brunch this morning. She is obviously struggling right now.

After she said this, she told my dad that he's not allowed to get sick again until she gets at least some of the above figured out as she would not be able to handle it. How about not at all.

throw me a bone. please.

I know I came off as all supportive and caring in that last post. And for the most part, I am. But to be honest, I'm a little crabby about my sister's break-up. I'm angry at her boyfriend. But I'm a little annoyed that I have spent more evenings than not over the last three weeks cooking for her, inviting her out with my friends, not getting work done so we could watch tv and keep her mind off things.

No, that is not the annoying part. The annoying part is that she hasn't told me anything about it. Nothing. I don't know what happened three weeks ago when they decided to spend some time apart and I don't know what happened after they talked. After the week apart, talking on the weekend, and deciding to take some more time (for three weeks running), they finally broke up this weekend. And I don't know anything. She says she's tired of talking about it.

In her own time, I suppose. But seriously. She won't give me anything to work with. I guess I should unconditionally provide a comfortable place for her where she doesn't have to talk about it.

Breaking up is hard to do...

I have survived a lot of break-ups. A lot. I have experienced enough (both as the breaker and the breakee) that I have a routine. It includes lots of Jane Austen. I have four versions of Pride and Prejudice, and usually watch them all on day one. Sobbing about how I'll never meet a Darcy. The next few weeks include lots of walks and (other) movies, a loss of lots of weight, and little work done. Oh, and my therapist. About a month later I get really drunk. And then, over time, I slowly start to breathe again.

It never gets easier. To be honest, my last big one was probably the worst. And it took significantly longer than a few weeks before I started to breathe. It scared me a bit, how hard it was. I'm over the relationship, but still a little scarred from the difficulty of getting over it.

All this to say that even with all this experience, it cannot help someone you love who is also going through it. My experiences cannot soothe a broken heart. Nothing I say can help; nothing anyone says helps. I know.

I hate that I am trying to help someone go through this, and cannot. But I can cook for her and watch movies with her. And that's what I'll do.

the last word

Remember when I broke up with the sweet boy, and said it was surprisingly easy and he showed a great deal of maturity at accepting the ending? Yeah, I may have spoken too soon. I received an email today with the subject line "The Last Word." He said that he respected my courage at being direct, but that he was disappointed and disagreed with my decision. He said that he did feel a spark and doesn't understand why I would say that I wasn't feeling the chemistry. But that I seemed to be in limbo in my life and unable to concentrate on a relationship, and if my life stabilizes, maybe our time would come again.

It was a well-written email. And it showed some command of language that I have to admit I did not see in our conversations during our dates. Probably the time to reflect on it helped. The subject line was a little troubling, but I don't think he meant it the way that it came across when that was all I saw in my email inbox.

I'm at a bit of a loss about whether I should and how I would want to respond to this email. There are some areas of uncertainty in my life, but I wouldn't say that I'm unstable. And just because he felt a spark doesn't mean I do. I bet I would feel a spark with Johnny Depp, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't feel the same for me. And I don't intend for "our time" to come again. Need to think about this one.

seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say

I am a coward. I'm afraid of being broken up with, and really loath having to be the breaker. I'm learning to be honest and brave and end things in a respectful way. The easy way out is via text, email, or voicemail. I have been broken up with through all these mediums, though to date, I have only ever broken up with someone in person or on the phone. When breaking up after 3+ dates, I think a phone call is appropriate. A more serious relationship deserves an in person conversation.

I had to let the sweet, earnest boy go. He wasn't a boy, really, though his naïvety was ultimately the downfall of our relationship. It turns out that I'm easily embarrassed by ignorance. I think he will be perfect for someone. It just isn't me. I had planned to do it yesterday before I remembered it was St. Patrick's Day. Blasted. An Irish(ish) woman cannot break up with an Irish(ish) man on St. Patrick's Day. Yes, it is an excuse for making an already ridiculous drinking day an even more insane one, but I wanted him to have fun.

This break-up was phone-appropriate. The phone call was quick. Pleasantries exchanged. A question asked and I interrupt, "I know I haven't been great about responding to your texts and messages lately. I just don't see this relationship going any farther. I think you are a really sweet and earnest guy, but I don't feel the kind of chemistry I should at this point. I wanted to be honest with you and let you know that I didn't think we should see each other any more." He responded, "Well, I want you to know that you are a beautiful, talented, smart woman, and I know you'll find someone you'll be happy with someday, and I wish you well." See? Sweet, right?

There were no arguments or need for explanations. The irony, of course, being that one of my main issues with the boy was his immaturity and this, at the break-up, he showed a great deal of maturity. I guess that's why it's easier to break up with men than with women. Note to self. Try to be more like this the next time the tables are turned.