we need to meet

These words strike fear in me. My initial response is for my heart to stop and for me to think, "What did I do wrong?"

I suppose this is the kind of reaction one would have if being called to the principal's office. I don't think I was ever called to the principal's office. I got detention most days in orchestra, but it was because I deserved it for being a snarky know-it-all, too good for middle school orchestra, and the conductor never showed up anyway so I don't think I ever actually served a single detention. All that to say it wasn't as scary as being called into the principal's office (I would guess).

At any rate, when I was really close to quitting last week, I received an email from the principal saying, "I need to speak with you asap. Today." I freaked out, and I hadn't done anything (but the content of the conversation about the negative nelly teachers I work with made me furious and I almost quit on the spot). Then last Monday I got an email from my boss, the curriculum director, stating, "I'd like to set up a meeting the next time you're in the district."

The meeting was today. And starting about twenty minutes beforehand I started to sweat and my hands started shaking and I ran through how I would function financially if I lost my job. The meeting was a nothing. He wanted some advice on training volunteers.

Why do I instantly go to the worst case scenario? Why is a meeting always linked to, "You're fired," when I have no evidence to support that that would ever happen? My anxiety can't take this right now. I need to chill out.

thankful day 7

It's Thanksgiving ya'll, and I'm still Thankful for all the things I've previously listed. My dad's smart docs, being close to family, a job, two jobs really, my sis.

There are other things that happened this week that make me thankful:

I'm also thankful for being healthy enough to be active the way I love. I ran the Turkey Trot this morning, and though I didn't break any records, I was able to run faster than I thought possible given my current hearty weight and lack of attention to splits or time in general really. I'm hoping that I can work on the 5k pace and turn that into my new race pace.

Also, I'm super thankful for great friends. Last weekend I had such a great night catching up with my single gals. We needed the chance to catch up and make some new plans for 2011. Watch out boys, here we come.

I'm also thankful that I can play with orchestras, holding my own even if I don't practice as much as I should. I might not love every minute of rehearsals, but I do really love making music with others.

When the going gets tough, I know there are lots I can count on. I've been taking the classes of a colleague whose father is gravely ill and she decided she needed to fly to Maine to be with him. I was more than happy to take her classes no matter what. But I also know that if things were reversed, she wouldn't hesitate to help me out too. I've only been at this job for a short time, but I've met some great people.

Though my sister headed back tonight to spend the evening with friends, I'm hanging out at my parents house through tomorrow. Dad has his last round of chemo for a while, and I thought it might be nice to decorate the Christmas tree when he gets home. Trying to make the most of everything.

Happy Thanksgiving.

thankful day 6

In order to alleviate my mother's concerns over the impending weather storm, I rearranged my schedule to head down to my folks' house at noon on Wednesday.

This was no easy feat, since my brain has been foggy for weeks now (remember that in the last week, I locked myself out of the house? and I left the tickets to Talking Volumes on the kitchen table). And then I left the movie we were going to watch on Wed at home so we had to go out and buy it at Target. But I made it to Northfield early, and mom and dad were happy.

I am in charge of dinner the night before Thanksgiving. I make ribolitta, an Italian soup we had all over Italy and I've recreated a version to enjoy. It's a perfect pre-turkey day dinner, and though I'm supposed to be completely in charge of the kitchen, I still have to shoo my control-freak mother out of the kitchen around a dozen times. But it's tradition, so that's how it's supposed to be.

We reminisce about our Italy trip and tell family stories. It's a great evening.

And I'm super thankful for it.

thankful day 5

I am thankful to be in a profession I love. The previous post shows I don't always love every part of my job, but I am lucky to be passionate about my work and know I am making a difference.

And I get to sometimes work with kids, which is what I really miss from my classroom teacher days.

Scene from a classroom. I'm was in a 4th grade classroom last week during a grammar lesson. The students were working on a lesson about identifying subjects and predicates. The boy sitting next to me leans my way and whispers to me.

Boy: You learn this stuff yet?

Me: Yes, I have.

Boy: It's pretty hard.

Me: You're right. It is hard work.

Boy: When did you learn this?

Me: Probably when I was in 4th grade too.

Boy: Huh. What grade are you in now?

Me: Hmm. I'm not really in a grade any more. I teach at a college. I guess I'd be in 27th grade.

Boy: Whoa.

Totally thankful.

On a side note, I am also thankful I do not regularly suffer from heartburn (knock loudly on wood). I have had constant heartburn the last 48 hours, and it's rotten. Finally got some mylanta and hoping for relief after the stress of a presentation to a superintendent tomorrow morning.

thankful day 4

I am thankful today that I have the option to consider quitting a job. Not that I'm super flush with cash right now, but I do have that option. I haven't made a decision yet, because there are so many things to consider. However, my consulting work has gotten so out of control I can't seem to reign it in.

I am not above petty unprofessional bitching, but to do justice to the story would take more time than I'm willing to spend writing it all down. Let's just say that it is becoming more and more clear that the teachers, administrators, and system in the district I'm working in are just not ready to do the work they need to do in order to necessitate my help. It all came to a head today, and I nearly quit on the spot. But I decided I needed to think about it some more (and really take a hard look at my finances to see if I can afford to) before I resign.

I'll keep you posted. But for today, I'm thankful to be gainfully employed at one (good) full-time job so I can (maybe) quit my other part-time (which is turning into a full-time) job.

These thankful posts are helping me see the good in otherwise not-so-good situations.

thankful day 3

Today I am thankful that things (only) happen in threes.

Two weeks ago, my furnace broke. Last week, my washing machine broke.

Yesterday (after locking myself out of the house), my coffee pot shattered all over the floor, launching coffee all over my kitchen, sure to leave coffee stains I will still be cleaning until I move. But I replaced the coffee maker and was thankful for the simple pleasure of a cup of coffee with peppermint mocha creamer this morning.

I hope I'm done with broken appliances for a while.

Also, I should be thankful for anti-lock brakes and the wits to drive slowly. Ice storm here last night made my midnight drive home treacherous. But I made it home safely and have gladly been hanging at home for the day today.

thankful day 2

Today I am thankful for my sister. I know I wasn't always thankful every minute while she was residing in my house. But deep down, I still was thankful.

And I was especially thankful for her today when I locked myself out of my house when I went out for my run. I called her from the coffee shop down the street and left a message. She got it and by the time I got back home, the front door was unlocked.

Thanks, sis.

thankful day 1

I'm stealing the idea of posting what I'm thankful for over the next week from several friends. I should have started at the beginning of the month, cuz there's lots to be thankful for.

I thought I'd still be thankful that Dad was in remission. Obviously, that has to be revised a little. So I am really thankful for the health care he is getting with his oncology team, and the health insurance he has to help my parents pay for it all.

I am thankful this time the cancer recurrence was caught really early.

And I'm thankful to be close by so I can visit lots. As if last time wasn't enough of a warning, it's another ass-kicking reminder to take nothing for granted.

re-chemo

I didn't think I'd have to worry about chemo for my dad for a while. Thought we were set for a bit. He's only been ten months in remission. But after a whirlwind week and a half, Dad started a "chemo-lite" drug protocol on Friday.

He's ok, and it sounds like this plan is status quo in Europe for maintenance after chemo for the kind of cancer that dad has. And sounds like it will be so here soon as well.

Bottom line is that Dad's last CT scan showed some cancer growth, and his oncologist didn't want to wait to get started on this plan. 'Cuz last time they waited put Dad through hell and he almost died. Dad'll have treatments every Friday for four weeks on a 3-6 month cycle. Maybe forever, I think?? I don't know that part yet.

He won't be on some of the anti-nausea drugs with this protocol, so he may actually feel more sick with this treatment plan than he did when he was in full chemo. But his immune system won't be as vulnerable, and he won't lose his hair. And he won't be as tired. So better in the long run, I think.

Still have lots of questions, and headed into a holiday season glad this year Dad is at least in a little better shape than last year.

I think.

slump-o-rama

Maybe if I keep labeling my fatigue, brain fog, and burnout in fun ways, it will make them seem better. I still haven't come up with a "rejuvenate kate" plan, and nothing much has gotten better. I'm not worried about it, just conscious of needing to make an action plan.

My running has been super slow and lethargic lately, which makes me feel crappy too. I ran 6 over the weekend, and it felt like twice as far. My 6 mile mid-week run today was a little better, but I bribed myself with listening to a podcast of "This American Life" to get me out the door. I don't usually listen to anything, but it was a good motivation this evening. I've dropped back my mileage to only about 25 miles a week, thinking that would help, but it hasn't really.

Any suggestions of how to get my running game back?