just say no

I've decided that resolutions are dumb. Mostly, they just make me feel bad about myself. Of course there are things I want to work on. I just don't think I need to make resolutions about them this year. So I'm just saying no to resolutions in 2013.

2012 reads

2012 was an ok year in books. I wasn't that excited about many of those I read, and as per usu I didn't make enough time to read. So I'm not even all that inspired to document. But as I've done in 2011 and 2010, I want to continue to blog the books I've read. Those that are bold are favorites. In order of appearance:

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Carol Dweck
Monster, Walter Dean Myers, a reread
Sarah's Key, Tatiana de Rosney
Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
Stolen: A Letter to my Captor, Lucy Christopher
Hero, Perry Moore
Student Success in College: Creating Conditions That Matter, George Kuh
Cut, Patricia McCormick
Wonderstruck, Brian Selznick
The House on Mango Street, Sandra Cisneros, a reread
American Born Chinese, Gene Luen Yang
Tangerine, Edward Bloor, a reread
The Fault in Our Stars, John Green
Behind the Beautiful Forevers, Katherine Boo
Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, Parker Palmer
The Magician King, Lev Grossman
The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox, Maggie O'Farrell
Inside Out and Back Again, Thanhha Lai
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, Ransom Riggs
The Maze Runner, James Dashner
In the Garden of Beasts: Love, Terror, and an American Family in Hitler's Berlin, Erik Larson
Little Bee, Chris Cleave
The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness, Michelle Alexander
Everyday Anti-Racism: Getting Real About Race in School, Mica Pollock
Between Shades of Gray, Ruta Sepetys
Love Drugged, James Klise
Silhouette of a Sparrow, Molly Beth Giffin
This is How You Lose Her, Junot Diaz
The Oath: The Obama White House and the Supreme Court, Jeffrey Toobin
Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table, Ruth Reichl
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
Wonder, R.J. Palacio
Winter of the World (The Century Trilogy #2), Ken Follett
The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern
The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court, Jeffrey Toobin
The Marriage Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides
Yummy: The Last Days of a Southside Shorty, G. Neri
Morning Girl, Michael Dorris
The Round House, Louise Erdrich

More than 2010 but fewer than last year. Almost all of the books I've made favorites are YA titles. I do love a good YA novel.

Here's to more reading in 2013, and here's hoping there are more favorites on the 2013 list!

ho ho ho

I have been a bit obsessive with the running team, I admit. But it's just been so much fun. Take last weekend, we had the 2nd annual Ugly Sweater Egg Nog Schlogg around Lake Calhoun. 

At every stop, we were required to do a shot of egg nog.

Stop 1: Holiday trivia 

We were asked a holiday themed trivia question. If you got it right, continue running.  If you got it wrong, you had to complete a loop back on the course as a penalty. My question: what kind of pajamas does Ralphie get for Christmas? Answer: pink footie bunny pajamas - I got it right.

Stop 2: Advent calendar of death 

We picked a number from the basket that corresponds to one on the Advent calendar, and had to do whatever fun activity was assigned to the number.  Activities included jumping jacks, burpees, additional shots of egg nog, etc.  I had to do burpees.

Stop 3: Mystery Xmas Song.  

From a hat, we picked a Christmas song, and were required to sing the song the remainder of the run...the louder the better!

It was raining and kinda miserable, but who wouldn't have fun doing this?

 

I'm not crazy.

In 2004, my book club decided to read classics that we hadn't read in high school. Or maybe we had read and couldn't remember them. We were on A Farewell to Arms, and as it turns out, I had a vacation the week before book club. So Hemingway came to Mexico with me.

I really hated that book. When I got to the end, I threw it across the room. I don't mean figuratively; I actually threw it across the room. Thunk.

Fast forward to tonight, when I went to see "Silver Linings Playbook" with my sister. In an early scene, Bradley Cooper's character, Pat, dealing with bipolar disorder, is reading A Farewell to Arms in order to win back his wife. He'd just been released from a psychiatric hospital, and was trying to find ways to prove himself. When he finished the book, he threw it so hard that it broke a window and landed on the front lawn.

Clearly, this is a normal response to that book, given that it was written into a movie. Right?!?

one reason I run

I certainly didn't "earn" this breakfast with my slow 3 miles around Lake of the Isles this morning. And frankly, it is near impossible to run enough miles to actually balance out this caloric bomb. But it was certainly worth it this freezing Friday morning to meet up with friends and enjoy some puppy dog tails.

Frosting. Yum.

efficiency

I woke up this morning having zero Christmas presents bought. I was at work early to put in some hours in the office and then headed out to shop early afternoon. It's now 9 pm and I'm done shopping and everything is wrapped. Some major credit card damage was done in those few hours, but I'm glad to be ready for the holiday. Now if only those last finals would grade themselves...

without words

I can't stop thinking about the tragic incident in Connecticut, grieving for those families, the school, the community. I spent yesterday and most of today remembering the many times I thought through procedures in the event of a emergency with my students - where we'd hide, what I could do to keep them safe. I hate that we live in a world where the most innocent of us all were taken from this world so horrifically.

I was asked by our PR person at the university to be interviewed on the news last night to give advice to parents on how to talk to children about the events from Friday morning. I told her I was completely unprepared to give that kind of advice. I could barely stop crying myself, and it is so far outside my expertise, I wouldn't have anything to truly help a parent know how to support children in this time of tragedy. I know how I might have tried to talk about it with fifth graders, as I did after Columbine and 911 and Red Lake. But I was without words in this instance.

winter running

After it took me 1.5 hours to shovel myself out this morning and twice as long as normal to get to work, I'm probably already sick of the snow. But I wasn't yesterday on the first real snowy run of the season.

up and down, around and around

The running team had out first hill workout of the season today. There some new snow on the ground and the sidewalks were slick. It was hard, but it felt great. I'm still slower than I want to be, though I'm trying to be patient about that, but it was super fun to be doing a real workout this morning. Just in time, too, because 4 weeks from right now, I'll be toasting completing my first Ragnar. After a tough summer and fall, I'm starting to feel like myself again.

it's beginning to look...

This year, I put Christmas lights up on the front of my house for the first time. I have been listening to Christmas carols as I grade. I am not quite in the spirit of the holidays, but this snow just might help.

til death

Last week I got to the work conference a day before most of the people I knew were going to get there. I called room service, but the wait was going to be an hour and a half for dinner, so I decided to head down one of the hotel restaurants. I ate at the bar, rather than taking up a table, and brought my conference book to peruse while I was waiting for my dinner. And as armor against small talk with others at the bar.

It didn't work. A guy sat next to me and though I tried hard to look busy, eventually elbowed me and asked what the book was all about, why we were all here. We ended up talking for a half hour or so; he was nice, talked about work and mentioned his wife and children. When I paid my bill and got up to leave, he said he'd walk out with me. When we got to the elevators, he put his arm around me and started rubbing/tickling my back and said, "I'm going to take a chance and ask you up to my room." I said no, I wasn't interested. He responded, "Yes you are. You know you want to." And I said, no, actually, I'm not. I don't want to. And by then I got off the elevator and walked the other direction from my actual room, just in case he got out.

I just kept thinking about his poor wife. I don't know their situation at all, but I sure know that I wouldn't want my husband trying to get strangers into his hotel room when he was traveling for work.

I have had many instances of married men hitting on me or going out with me (initially pretending to be single). I worked with a married guy that made several serious passes at me. I was so angry after this latest ridiculousness that I started to think about what it is about me that might lead this to happen many times. I worry that I seem desperate and easy. I'm not, but maybe I project that?

This is really frustrating. I don't need more evidence that there are a lot of losers out there. Why is it that I want a relationship again?

time after time

Back when I was in high school, I was in the school orchestra and chamber orchestra, and the school choir and madrigal group. If that wasn't nerdy enough, I wanted to join another orchestra. I loved the high school orchestra, but it wasn't very challenging and I really wanted to make All-State, so I wanted as much playing experience as possible. I was also on the tennis team and figure skated competitively, so my weekdays were full of sports too. The major youth symphony that everyone was in was GTCYS (Greater Twin Cities Youth Symphony), but whenever it was that they rehearsed I had a conflict. So I looked into other groups that rehearsed at times I could make and joined MAYSO (Mankato Area Youth Symphony Orchestra).

It was in MAYSO and also through my violin teacher that I met a guy that I ended up having a major crush on. He was way WAY more talented than me, but I worked hard so we sometimes could play duets and I sat behind him in MAYSO. The first two stands, we all became good buds, playing some pieces for 4 violins at recitals and such and had a fabulous time together at All-State (I did make it).

The guy went on and has a splendid career in the music world. He's been associate concertmaster of the MN Orchestra for some time, and I was sad to hear last week that because of all this locked-out business, he took a position with an orchestra in Zurich. But while I know some of what he's been up to since he's fairly famous (to us nerdy local orchestra folks, at least, and I go to MN Orch concerts regularly), the reciprocal would not be true.

Over the summer, the conductor of my orchestra informed us that he would be joining us for a solo this fall. Our concert is Sunday, and we had our dress rehearsal tonight. The big wig soloists, we don't get to rehearse with them much, so this was the first time we played with him. Before the rehearsal, I went up and reintroduced myself. As I was talking, it was funny to see the moment the correct synapses fired and he remembered me. It is such a strange thing, to see a crush after not speaking to them for 20 years.

exhale

I think I have been holding my breath for the last three months. I have been more nervous about this election than maybe ever before. So much was at stake, for our state and our nation. I stayed up until 2 am, but with the amendments still too close to call, I decided I needed to be somewhat coherent in class this morning and needed to go to bed. What a relief to wake up this morning, and be able to feel proud for being a part of a state that chose to push against poorly written and discriminatory, hateful language in our constitution.

tri and tri again

I finished my very first triathlon yesterday. It was maybe the most fun I've ever had at a race, maybe save for the 25k I did last April that was so hard but felt so great. Oh, and the first time I ran the TC 10 mile. Well, my first marathon would have to be up there. Ok, so I've had a few super fun races, but this one is right up there. I had zero expectations, since I could only run/walk the 5k, and had no idea what to expect with transitions and the swim. I didn't know anything about the bike course, so I wasn't worried about the hills (which there were plenty of, btw). A few other folks from the run club were also competing, and it was great to see some of them in transitions and in the out-and-back run.

I'm glad I liked it, because a few weeks ago after a second glass of wine, I made the ill-advised, likely stupid decision to give a Half Ironman a go next June. I figure I'll have 10 weeks to train between the Virginia Beach marathon I'm running in March and the 70.3, so if I keep up some swimming and biking all winter, I'll be in ok shape. My goal will be to finish, that's it. I might do a few more shorter distance tris later in the summer next year, or be training for another marathon if I fail to BQ in Virginia. Time will tell. And, of course, this is all under the assumption my leg will heal up and stay strong. Most people would do more than one triathlon before signing up for a 70.3. Oh well.

As I was chatting with a new friend met at the tri, we decided that tris might be awesome or awful for the reason that it gives you the opportunity to buy lots more gear - you need three sport's worth of stuff instead of just running. And bike gear can add up fast. Just what I need - something else to spend money on.

And how funny is this: woman in front of me at packet pick-up was named Megan. When I went up to give my last name, she leaned over and said, "Kelly was my maiden name." I replied, "So your name was Megan Kelly?" To which she replied, "Yes, are you Megan Kelly?" I said that no, I wasn't but my sister is. She said, "Is she Megan Jean Kelly, the fast runner from Northfield?" Small world. I remembered my sister telling me stories about the other Megan Jean Kelly, and here she was, a new friend. She got into tris this summer and loved them. I can see why. Anyway, after I give myself a few days to recover, I'm going to try to get my winter training schedule going - planning runs, bikes, and swims each week. Here's to winter fitness!

"childless gals"

You all know about my constant struggle over my situation. I can't seem to stop talking about it. I love my independence and the experiences I have had and will have because I am single. And yet, I still long for someone with whom to share my life and, maybe, raise a child together.

I got the latest New Yorker in the mail today and read this article. It's a satirical piece, folks, which was apparently lost on the people who posted comments on it when I looked it up on line to link here. But I have to admit, it resonated with me. Because there are parts of my body and soul that do feel as though I'm less of a woman because I haven't experienced being a mom. I do feel as though as a single, childless woman, I am not part of the women's movement at times because it's all about moms rising up, Moms-In-Chief, mothers unite. That I don't contribute. That my place in this world is largely useless. That anything I accomplish is somehow less-than because I don't have kids. I struggle to fit into conversations about kindergarten round-up and sleep training because when I try to contribute, I can't speak my truth and end up floundering with stories of other moms I know. Because my truth doesn't include any children of my own. Note to self: I'd probably do better just to ask questions and listen.

I'm lucky to have amazing friends with amazing lives who allow me to be myself when we are together. I do try hard, though I know I often don't succeed, to be mindful of the role motherhood plays in their lives and try to relate to, ask about, and learn from them about this huge part of their lives. I know I am often self-absorbed and don't do enough of that. And to those of you who have felt this way from me, I do apologize. I'm mindful of it and try to work on it. Part of it comes from a place of self-protection, of a growing sense of loss as the days go by and my chance is slipping away.

Just having a low day.

face for radio

A few weeks ago, I hosted my nerdy work book club. We read Racial Innocence: Performing American Childhood from Slavery to Civil Rights by Robin Bernstein. Reading the book in prep for the meeting (I'll admit I didn't read the entire book), I felt like I was back in grad school in a Culture and Teaching course. I always enjoy the interesting and intelligent conversations we have at these meetings.

It was a sparsely attended meeting, just me and two others. One of those in attendance was brand new to the group, a prof at a local community college. She was super cool, and I was happy to have her energy join our fun group. A few days after the meeting, she asked if I would be a guest on a radio show she hosts, the theme of the evening being "Censorship and Controversy in Young Adult Literature," and I decided it would be an interesting experience so I said yes.

The interview was last night. I was super nervous for it, since I've never done anything like it. A friend of mine who hosts a show on WCCO how to prep and her big advice was not to eat dairy that day (causes mucous build-up in the throat. who knew?). So I stayed away from milk, yogurt, and cheese (three big staples in my diet) to be less mucousy. Charlotte asked awesome questions and the authors on with me were amazing. It was fun. Not the kind of fun I need to do all the time, but it was a great experience. You can read about/listen to it here.

And you should read the books by the authors that were on, especially Molly Beth Griffin's beautiful book Silhouette of a Sparrow, a love story between two women set in Excelsior, MN in the 1920s. It's a stunning novel (and I kinda hate her since it was her graduate school final project).

just breathe

I made it through my presentation to the faculty yesterday. It went over well - at least it seemed to. At the reception after the meeting, many people came up to me (that I didn't know) and thanked me for it.

When I was waiting for the meeting to start I told a colleague that I was really nervous. She said she was surprised, because I perform violin all the time. I rarely get nervous before orchestra concerts - a few little butterflies right before is about it unless there are some extraordinary circumstances. But for this, I was nervous. When I told a friend about this, she said she totally understood, because this talk was sharing my own ideas in front of all my peers at work. It's just different than performing with a group of people. At any rate, I made it through and now I'm done.

I was thinking, as I drove to campus that morning, that up until now, I've been pretty anonymous on campus. A few people know me, but I haven't really had a ton of opportunities to meet lots of people. But that all changed. Now, for better or worse, lots more people will know me. And that probably means I'll get asked to do more. Such is life, right?

rah-rah

Every all-faculty meeting at St. Kate's starts with an opening reflection. Most of the time, these are sappy poems and cheesy quotes designed to inspire. Sometimes it works, but most of the time, I have forgotten all about it 30 seconds later.

I was asked to lead the opening reflection for our workshop-week faculty meeting tomorrow. In front of 300 people. Eeek! I wanted to do something different, and immediately knew what I wanted to plan. But now that it is getting closer, I'm worried it isn't as uplifting as folks might be looking at it to be.

So I looked to the Olympics as inspiration since, after all, this was the "Olympics of Women," as reported throughout the Games. So I share all the great firsts and bests that indicate what a triumph of Title IX these Games were.

And then I share some of the sexist moments.

Like Holley Mangold, US weightlifter, who was mocked by Conan O'Brien, other talk show hosts, and in news and magazine articles for her size and weight, and in response, succumbed to interviews about her hair and makeup regimen and girly fashion sense.

And then there was the whole Gabby Douglas hair thing, which absolutely happens at the intersection of race and gender, but would not have happened if she were male (or white).

And it drove me crazy that the (male) commentators of the 29k road race continually referred to the female athletes as 'girls.' The gold medalist, US cyclist Kristen Armstrong, is 39 in her 3rd Olympics. She's not 12. Never were male athletes referred to as 'boys.'

And then there's beach volleyball. I was so grossed out by London mayor's editorial saying that the popularity of the sport was due to 'semi-naked women' who 'glistened like wet otters.' Yup. Gross.

Anyway, I finish by saying that the mission and vision of St. Kate's is absolutely as important today as ever. That we work really hard, and do the work well, to educate women to lead and influence. And that the work we do for and with women today will lead to change for all in the future.

I could end with a quote, but no one would remember it anyway. I think I'm going to leave it as-is. If no one claps at the end, I'll start looking for another job.

More tomorrow...

fightin' weight

Operation 12 in 12 begins tomorrow.

I am usually sure I can do things I set my mind to, but this is one that I do have doubt about, since losing weight has not been easy the last couple years. I'm at a fine weight, but I think if I really want to give it all at Virginia Beach in March, I'd like to be a few pounds lighter. Like 12, to be exact. I know that my weight was not a contributing factor in my stress fracture, but it wouldn't hurt to have a little less of me pounding the pavement.

If I stick to this plan, I'll be at my goal weight the week of Thanksgiving. And by that time, I should be putting in good mileage each week, so I'll feel ok about heading into the holidays without putting much back on. I really want to do this.

a wine a day

I've never been all that much of a drinker. I mean, I have a glass of wine when I go out to dinner, and have been known to over-imbibe at times (grad school was a particular highlight - or lowlight, as the case may be). I can still put it back if I need to (i.e. when going dancing or drowning sorrows for my own or others' breakups).

But when I moved into my house and made some comment to a couple friends about how one night I made dinner and opened a bottle of wine, I felt shamed when they made comments about me drinking by myself. And heck if I don't think about that every time I open a bottle of wine for dinner. So I almost never have a drink when I'm home alone (which is, let's face it, most of the time).

But there have been a number of studies recently that show that drinking a glass of wine every day is, in fact, good for your health. And I enjoy wine. So I've decided that they can shove it, and I'm going to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner.

Salute!

good night sweetheart

I am very happy to be saying goodbye to the 'ol orthopedic boot. It has made for a frustrating and pretty depressing summer. Sunday was my last day (hopefully), as the doc gave me the go-ahead last week to be done. It was a good thing for its purpose, but I'm glad to have it off.

This Fri & Sat is the Ragnar relay, which I'm super disappointed to be missing out on, and it kick starts the fall racing season, which I'll be missing out on too. But the leg seems to be getting better, so I'll take solace in that. The swimming and biking has been good exercise, even if I didn't really love it. At least I stayed active. As of now, I haven't put on much weight, so I'm taking that as a win too. I'm volunteering for the race this weekend, which will likely make me even more sad not to be participating, but the teams needed help, so I stepped up. The team I was supposed to be on, The Fuster Clucks, is putting my name on the van so I can run with them in spirit. Very sweet.

I don't know how long until I'll be well enough to run again, but I'm hoping it is soon. If I can get back to it in a few weeks, I might try my first triathlon in mid-September just to see what it's like. I definitely will not kill it out there, as at best I'll be doing a 30-seconds-on, minute-off running, and most likely, I'll walk the entire 5k. But I can get a chance to try a tri, and see if I want to really do one in the future. When I map out my next few big races (and if I BQ next March), I don't think I'll have the motivation to do a Fall 2013 marathon, so maybe I'll try a half-Ironman if I like this tri thing. Who knows.

I'll quit feeling sorry for myself soon. Just in time for me to head back to school.

ten years later

Yesterday marked my tenth anniversary owning my home. It is hard to believe I've been in this house for that long. I walked down to the coffee shop yesterday to treat myself to an ice cream to celebrate. I might not always love doing home repairs, mowing the lawn, and shoveling snow, but I love my home. I love my neighborhood. It is probably the biggest decision I've made, and one of the best.

Happy tenth anniversary, home!

slow progress

My leg is starting to feel a lot better. The last few days have been the first days since May that I haven't felt some level of pain in my leg. Most of the pain I've been feeling is referred pain, feeling it in my ankle, calf, and Achilles, rather than in the shin which is the actual site of the fracture. But al that pain is gone, and I know I'm healing.

This is making me really antsy to get back to running. Up till now, though I've missed running, the pain I was feeling made it clear I couldn't get back out there. I was going a bit crazy this weekend, cheering for a half marathon on Sat and riding my bike around the path with the team on Sunday. Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. But I'm anxious.

My body is really showing the effects of this injury. I've lost an inch of muscle off my calf and 3/4 inch off my quad in my right leg. When I flex that leg, I can't feel any tone in my calf. It will be a long recovery, but coach assured me I'll come back stronger than when I left. That I'm doing everything right, and come March, I'll be ready to really kill a marathon. In the mean time, I got to try out an Alter G treadmill, which is strange and super cool. I'm (mostly unrealistically) hoping that I get to run a bit on it this week in PT, but I'll just have to see what the doc says. I'll be fine with a walk too. Whatever it takes to get back to form.

Keeping busy swimming and biking. Swimming and biking. Making the best of the cross-training (even though I'm not crossing it with anything right now). I'm going to try to swim 2 miles tomorrow. I'm slow as molasses, but at least I'm keeping active.

an acquired taste

You'd think I'd have this dating thing figured out. Well, I guess if I had it figured out, I wouldn't have to still be dating. But that aside, I struggle with the so-so date. If you have a not-great-but-not-awful first date, and then a not-great-but-not-awful second date, do you go on the third date? The answer is no with the latest guy.

This is a long one. No worries if you don't care to read my blah blah blah about a blah date.

So the first date with this set-up was just meh. We met for dinner (food was good - Al Vento in Minneapolis). Conversation was not easy, and there were some decidedly weird moments. Like when he spent a good amount of time talking about his sixth grade IQ test and standardized test scores that proved he was really smart. There was also the time he spent sharing what good friends he is with all his exes. You all know how I prefer to think that my exes are dead once we break up. I know he was telling me this to show that he's a good guy. But he went on and on about the emails he sends out and checks in with his exes every few months (!?!) to see how they are doing. Weird. When we were looking over the wine list, he asked (perhaps rhetorically, not really looking for an answer) what the different names listed indicated. I said I was pretty sure they named the grape, vineyard, and region, but he disagreed with me. And then he asked the waiter to explain and the waiter told him what I had said (grape, vineyard, region). His response was, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Thanks." Then he wanted to walk around the Falls, which is nice normally, but I have a boot on and it was raining. So we sat in the rain and talked for a while before he took me home. He asked if I wanted to go out again (I hate it when they do that before the date is even over), and I said yes, so we made plans to kayak, which I wasn't so sure about because of my leg, but figured I'd see how it went. And then he sent me a text at 6 am the next morning to tell me he had a good time. 6 am?? I know, I know, it was nice. But I don't want to be woken up by a "Had a great time ;-o" text. Frankly, I hate emoticons, and what is that face anyway? A winking surprise? How does that relate to our awkward date with strained conversation? But it wasn't awful, so we went out again.

I wouldn't have chosen to go kayaking. Remember - in a boot. But he said I didn't need to wear it all the time and could take it off for the kayak (um, thanks doc). In theory, I do like to kayak and it is a good date idea, just maybe not right now for me. But we met to kayak the lakes on Tuesday evening. It was a gorgeous evening, and the lakes were calm and beautiful. We were in a tandem kayak, so he stared at the back of my head the entire night. More weird conversations where he would sort of argue with me or shoot down something I said. He talked a great deal about his dog - a pitbull - which I just can't seem to get over. I get it that a lot of their behavior is dependent on training, but they are scary dogs. I know of several people/dogs who have had run-ins with pitbulls and lost. And I got another 6 am text.

The woman who set us up said he's a little weird, (she thought he was pretty creepy when they met) and a bit of an acquired taste though he's quirky and nice. That may be, but I just don't feel any chemistry at all. None at all. I didn't have any fluttery excitement when I saw him when we met to kayak. I didn't get excited when we hugged at the end. I didn't feel anything at the end of the date when I was driving away. I called my sister and almost forgot to tell her that I had been on the date. He once again asked at the end of the kayak date if I wanted to see him again and I said sure. He said I should plan this date. And for the last 48 hours, I spent 0 minutes thinking about when and what I'd want to do with him. I figured this is a pretty strong signal that though he may be an acquired taste, I don't really want to spend that time to figure out in the end I still don't want to see him any more. I sent him an email that I didn't want to plan another date. I only felt relief when I sent it.

I know I'm probably being really picky. But even though I go back and forth with being really happy and really wanting a partner, I'm mostly really happy with my life. And I think that at this point, it would need to be something pretty extraordinary. And I just don't think this was it.

let the sun shine

After much pain and not getting better after PT, I made an appt with a sports orthopedic doc two weeks ago. She ordered an MRI and low and behold, I have a stress fracture. I kinda wished I had known about it right after the marathon, so I'd be three weeks further into recovery, but I know now. Stuck in this lovely boot for the time being.

The doc apparently sent me to the Mercedes of orthopedic boot shops, as this bad boy cost me a cool $450. It has a nifty compression pump. But I didn't really feel like shelling out that kind of money for this stupid injury.

I see the doc Monday to check in, and because there was something else funky going on in the bone, I go back for more imaging in a couple weeks.

In the mean time, I've been swimming and biking for the first time in years and years. I'm really out of shape and incredibly slow at both, so it's been a little rough getting into it. I miss my running buddies. I miss running.  I feel tired after biking and swimming, but it isn't the same as a good running workout. Maybe I need more practice at them both before I feel good about a workout. I can't go very far in either yet - the last thing I need is to hurt my shoulder or strain a hamstring. But I'm working on enjoying it.

I'm trying to be positive while I'm laid up with this stress fracture and I've been mostly successful, but I've been in a funk the last couple days. I officially backed out of Ragnar, which is really disappointing. I am also sad that I won't be able to run the ladies half the next weekend. The medal was cute and I wanted to race with the women on the team. I got into the Twin Cities 10 Mile, but probably won't be ready to run that either. I'm getting soft (lost a lot of muscle, replaced with fat) and though it has been stable so far, I'm worried about gaining weight. I'm crabby at the selection of match.com men I seem to be getting paired up with. And though it really needed to be done, I just spent $2500 I don't have to get the bathroom walls replaced and the tile redone, which yeah it looks nice, but I have many other things I'd have rather spent that money on. Yup, throwing myself one hell of a pity party.

Hoping to snap out of it.

once a cheater...

If I go on one more date with a man who turns out to be MARRIED, I am going to freaking lose it. Ok, so it's only happened 4 times. But FOUR TIMES seems like a lot, right? Four times to go out with men on the pretense that they are single and available (and for 3 of the 4 the lie was in writing, on their match profile), only to find out that they are married. Not separated. MARRIED! [and yes, I know that all caps means shouting. I am shouting.]

Tonight was another failed match.com experiment. Met a guy for a drink. The guy has a wife and 3 young daughters back in France, and his wife didn't want to travel back and forth with him and the girls. So, he was looking for something on the side during the 2 weeks/mo he's in Mpls. His profile said he was divorced. I guess the good news is that he was honest.

I just hate this.

back at it

I'm back on match.com. Lord, help me.

hiatus

Day 14 of no running. Twice as long as I've ever gone since I started running in 2003. I'm trying to be ok with my forced hiatus due to the torn calf muscle that, surprisingly, was not made better by running a marathon. Go figure. At least that's what the PT thought it was, though when I saw her just a couple days after the race, my legs were too inflamed to really tell what was wrong. I see her again on Tuesday, and hopefully will know a little more about how long it'll likely be before I'm back.

My current worry is that I'll be out long enough that I won't be able to do Ragnar in August. I really don't want to miss out on that. I have always wanted to do it, and it is looking to be an awesome time. I know, I know, it wouldn't be the end of the world if I couldn't do it. I just haven't ever had an injury like this before and I don't know what to expect.

In the mean time, I'm crawling out of my skin from lack of cardio. I'm aqua-jogging for as long as I can stand it every day (which is 45 minutes so far; after that, I'm cold, pruny, and bored to tears). I'm also doing pilates every day and I'm going to give bodypump a try tomorrow too (minus the lunges). It's better than nothing.

There is no I in Team!

There were some really amazing moments from yesterday's marathon. And some pretty crappy ones too. Here's a recap.

We all know that I had a pretty nutzo taper. The hellacious shin pain drove me bat-shit crazy. I saw a sports masseuse for the first time ever a week before the race. And then again 4 days before. It helped tremendously with the pain, but I think it contributed to the heaviness that plagued my legs the entire race. And then on Monday, the woman who does gait analysis for the team watched me run and said my shoes were part of the problem. They were the right shoes for me 4 months ago, but I'm a stronger runner now and they were overcorrecting for a problem I no longer had. So she fit me in new shoes on Tuesday. So I had a whopping 2.13 miles run on them before the race. But I only have 3 small blisters! Still, I wouldn't recommend getting completely new styled shoes 5 days before a marathon. If for nothing else, the havoc it wreaks in your head.

But, the shoes were great and, will wonders never cease, I didn't have any trouble with my leg. I ran about a quarter mile to warm it up before the start (man, did I get a LOT of crazy looks), and it was tight at the start, but that was it. I felt a twinge at 15 and another around 21, but a twinge was it. It hurts like crazy now, but it made it through. Good job, leg.

When Wendi, the show whisperer, saw me run and determined my shoes were part of the problem, she also gave me some pointers on form.  New shoes and new form the week of a race. Not advisable.

The bus ride to the starting line was interminable. Seriously, I thought they were taking us to Canada. And all I kept thinking was, "And I have to RUN this whole freaking way?" I've never taken a bus to the start line. Now I know to bring headphones and tune out.

One of the highlights of the race was when the F-16s blew over us at the end of The Star Spangled Banner. I got choked up, enough I had to wipe a tear. I don't even know why, since planes/military etc. are not my thing at all, but those jets, man, they are so impressive! Plus, I'm always so hyped up and nervous at that point before a race, just about anything could make me cry. They followed it up with, what else, the Top Gun theme song. Cheesy, but it worked.

I knew I was in trouble when I was comfortable, hot even, in my singlet before we even started. The humidity, a balmy 90%, made even the 66 degree temp tough to get going. All week the weather looked bad, which actually didn't stress me out as much as it normally does, I think because of the leg issues. There was a nice breeze in the morning, when it blew, but the first 13 were really tough in that heat. I never felt like I was holding back the pace; I felt like I was working hard from the first mile. After 17 the sky became overcast and the temp became much more manageable. If the race had started at 9:30, it would have been a completely different result.

My garmin lost signal at the start. So it took a bit to get it going again. And then because I wanted to beep at the mile markers, I hit lap at mile 1. Except I didn't hit lap, I hit stop. I lost about .4 mile and so I never really knew what my overall time was. I tried to figure out the math adding the missing time and subtracting how long it took to get to the start when we passed time clocks. Since I didn't know how close I really was, it may have been different if my watch had worked properly and I could have... Nope. I couldn't have run faster.

The first time you see the lake through the trees is stunning. I'm glad I looked at it because for most of the rest of the race, it hurt too much to turn my head to look at it again.

No matter what anyone says, this is not a flat course. It wouldn't classify as hilly, as there are no huge inclines, but the first 10 miles there are constant rolling hills. The first time I thought about quitting was mile 6. Keeping it together for 20 more miles, I'm considering that a win.

There were some amazing, amazing points of people cheering, and lots of dead space.

I did, though, have a personal race guide the first 13. A pal from the running group was a back-up for the 3:40 and 4:30 pacer guys in case either bonked. So he led me through the first half. He was outstanding - got me water and/or powerade at some of the stops so I could just blow through the center. Talked me through the tangents. Kept pumping me up. He would check in with the pacers and then come back to check on me. When I screwed up my garmin at the start he told me to take a deep breath and let it go. No big deal. As hard as those first 13 were, I don't think I could have run them that well without George. How lucky was I?!?

I had a hard time keeping my mantra going in my head. I was busy trying to do math and it was hard enough just to focus on my new form and my breathing. I looked at my homemade pace chart and tried to concentrate on the person or event I wanted to focus on at each mile past 10. But it was really hard to concentrate today. My goal had been to start out at 8:25-8:30 for the first 5, then drop down to 8:15 through 10-13 depending on how I felt, and then run 8 flats into the finish. I never could drop below 8:15s. Which would have been ok except for mile 20-21, when I ran a 9 and an 8:42. Screwed the BQ plan all up.

After 13, I ran the next 4 or so on my own and then had another amazing pit crew jump in with me. Elaina, Carrie, and Beth all ran with me through most of the last 10. They asked me when I needed water or gatorade or ice or sponges. Incredible!! And since Carrie and Elaina were wearing the same pink team singlet as me, we got SO many awesome cheers from the crowd. "Go Team Pink (or Team Purple!)" [it's hard to tell the color] "Girl Power!" "You ladies look so strong!" In the last 6 miles, I don't think we went more than 2 minutes without someone cheering for us. I have amazing teammates.

I miscalculated my math at 20 and thought I had more time than I did to still make it. Mile 20 was a tough one. I kept telling myself, "Calhoun and Harriet. Calhoun and Harriet." But I couldn't keep my legs turning over fast enough. I think I moaned at one point. I started to get the chills. At this point, I was sopping wet and the sky had become overcast. So I was in this weird hot but also cold state.

Lemon Drop was not awful, but the fact that you can see it for almost a mile makes it seem worse than it is. I told my running crew I might have to walk up it. Carrie told me at lunch that she wanted to tell me, "Like hell you are." But she told me that Lemon Drop had nothing on Puke's Peak (this really tremendous hill from that Ron Daws race I did in April). She was right, of course, and I did run the whole thing without losing too much time. But any hill is killer at 22.

At mile 24, I thought there was still a chance I could qualify. Remember, I was 24 miles into a marathon and trying to do complicated addition and subtraction with splits. So I picked it up a tiny bit which was so so so hard. Every muscle in my body was screaming at me to stop. I kept wondering how awful it really would be if I dropped out at 25. I didn't actually consider it, but I did think it.

I slowed a little up the last few inclines in mile 25, but then with a half mile I dropped time again. I ran the last .2 at almost 7:10 pace. Seriously? Where did that come from? I thought I was closer to qualifying than I was. I felt a little stupid for killing myself at the end when I was way off, but a friend said she was watching the finish line streaming on the website and that I looked really strong. So there's that.

I'm going through waves of feeling proud for my 14:43 pr and feeling desperately disappointed with the extra 46 seconds. That's 2 seconds per mile. Just 2 seconds! A BQ is such a contrived goal, but it is there. And lots made it happen this spring. I guess the good news is that I know I can do it. Yesterday just wasn't my day for it.

I know I can

"The difference between the mile and the marathon is the difference between burning your fingers with a match and being slowly roasted over hot coals."
- Hal Higdon, running writer and coach

If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you're lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will.
It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster [wo]man.
But soon or late the [wo]man who wins,
Is the [wo]man who thinks [s]he can.
- C. W. Longenecker

Third time's the charm. Here we go.

all kinds of crazy

The marathon is less than 10 days away and I am living in crazy town. I had to be talked off the ledge last night, and while I'm feeling better today, I definitely have pre-race crazy brain.

First, I seem to have developed tendonitis in my lower right leg. I'm not sure that's what it is, but after much time on the internet and comparing it to other instances of tendonitis I've had in other parts of my body, that is what I'm telling myself I have. It could be shin splints, a muscle tear, or worse, a stress fracture. But I'm not willing to go to the doctor and have them tell me I can't run this marathon, so I'm waiting to find out what it actually is until after the race. I'm going to see a sports masseuse tomorrow morning to see if she can do anything about my leg. If nothing else, it might help feel like I'm doing something rather than sitting around obsessing over my dumb leg.

Then, on Monday, I took a 15 minute ice bath in the afternoon. I've taken them before and though I can't say I love them, it is helpful. My left foot tingled and felt numb for basically the next 48 hours, so I was convinced I gave myself frostbite and my foot was going to turn black and fall off. My left glute started aching with sciatic pain, so I decided that the tingling was probably more likely sciatic nerve-related than frostbite-related, but I'm still watching for deadness.

Plus, we've had some amazing finishes lately on the team, with a bunch of folks qualifying for Boston for the first time. Which has been so exciting! And then once they finish, people turn to me and say, "You're next!" Feeling lots of pressure - from self and others - to make this a great race.

So basically, tapering sucks. You worry about losing fitness by not running. Or that the running you are doing will cause you to be tired and sluggish on race day. Every ache and pain you had during training is now front and center because you have too much time on your hands because you aren't running so you are thinking about it all the time. And now I have the anxiety of injury and pressure added on top.

I need to relax and take some deep breaths. I might go to the movies a couple of times just to stop thinking about the race. I know I'm ready for this race. I just need to get into the right frame for it. I've still got 9 days. Plenty of time.

mantras

In my first marathon, my goal was to finish, but really, I had the goal to finish in under 4 hours. Never having tackled the marathon before, I only had been told how hard the last few miles are. Particularly at Twin Cities, which is a hard marathon at the end with a series of hills that are just killer after you've already run 20. So being my first, I had a stated goal of finishing, sometimes adding that I was hoping for a 4:15. But in my head, I knew that I was trained well enough to run under 4. And I ran a 3:55.

I had a mantra prepared that I said over and over and over again through the last 6 miles of the race. "Dig deep, trust in your training, you can do this." It was so central to my focus in those final miles that when I saw a friend at mile 23 I said, "I can do this" to her. She shouted back, "Yes you can!" As those last water stops went by, as people started walking, cramping, struggling, I just turned inward and focused. And I ran every single step of that race and beat my goal by 5 minutes.

Last fall, I did not have a mantra that I believed in strongly enough that it could get me through those last 6 miles. I was worried going into the race that I didn't have enough miles under my belt to run as well as I wanted to. Greece was wonderful, but it really screwed up my training. I had bonked in a half earlier that season, my first time ever, and that weighed heavily on me too. When a wave of doubt crashed through my brain at mile 20, I was so thrown it took 4 miles to pull myself back together. I walked a bunch, some with kind friends cheering me along, and I couldn't get my breathing and brain back under control. I snapped out of it at 24 and had a good final 2.2, but the lapse cost me 7 minutes off my time.

After that race, many people told me to stop feeling bad about 7 minutes. What's 7 minutes? It's only 7 minutes! But 7 minutes is a lot of time in a running race, even a marathon. People who don't run are the people who say these things. And yes, running a marathon is 95% of the work done in training and only 5% the race. But it's freaking hard not to put pressure on that race and end up ecstatic or devastated, since really, that's what you did all that training for.

I wish I didn't have a lot of pride wrapped up in the coming marathon. I have worked my tail off, week after week, beyond what I even thought was possible. I have set what I think and my coach thinks is a reasonable but challenging goal. It is going to hurt. It will be hard. And it is never a given in the unpredictable beast that is the marathon.

I'll have a lot of people cheering for me and pulling for me, and it is going to be great to count on that. But in the end, it comes down to what I tell myself in those last 6 miles. I'll be testing out new mantras over the next couple weeks so I have one that I believe in and that I know well enough that I can rely on it when my body wants to quit on me. I still like "trust in your training" because I really have trained ridiculously hard, and "dig deep" is always a good one. I'm thinking about something with strength as well as being calm, maybe just "strong and calm." I need to work on that one. Whatever it ends up being, I know it is going to get me through that 26.2 in a few weeks.

dead to me

I think I've mentioned before how when a relationship ends, I usually pretend that the guy is dead. No longer in existence. Never to be seen or heard from again. This is considerably more difficult when I've made the (poor) decision to date men I worked with. It's not as easy to pretend a man is dead when you have to see him every single day. But my dating scars take a really long time to heal, and it's usually better if I don't know anything about them. And even after the passage of much time, I don't usually want to ever see them or know what they are doing. Say what you will, there is no medal given to the woman who is friends with the most exs.

In the last week, I found out through very random ways that three guys I've dated in the last couple years have gotten married this spring. And then tonight, I had a run-in with the ex that I was most screwed up over, and it was nice. I saw him across the restaurant and went up and said a quick hi. We talked for a few minutes, and then I left. It was a nothing. I called my sis to tell her about it, and in an effort of full disclosure, she told me she found out that the most recent ex was going to be running a race I'm also running in a couple weeks. And I don't care.

All of this would normally send me into a tailspin. I'm pretty happy that it didn't this time around. Maybe it's all those endorphins from the running. At any rate, they clearly are not dead, but I don't even need to wish that they were. Progress, I think.

as real as it may seem, it was only in my dreams...

I had a dream last night that I was running a marathon. I showed up to the starting line, and turned out I was the only person who signed up for the race. The race directors decided that since it was only me running the race, they didn't need to close down a course route. They just told me roughly where I should run through the city for 26.2 miles, and come back to the start line for my t-shirt. They told me I couldn't take any elevators when I was running through buildings, but I was encouraged to run through the art museum in town.

So off I ran, through skyways and up escalators. I did go through the art museum too. I kept asking people if I was going the right way, but no one knew what I was talking about. I knew I was on the right route when I saw a piece of construction paper stapled to a stake stuck in the ground with "13.1" written on it in crayon. At that point I was around 2 hours in and knew I couldn't get the BQ time I was shooting for, so I was pretty disappointed. I stopped at a crocodile-shaped port-a-potty, but the guy standing guard said that those were only for park patrons. I saw my parents a bit after that in the lobby of an office building, and they convinced me that I should maybe drop out of the race and that they'd buy me a new running shirt instead.

I haven't had a race-related dream before, but I'm pretty sure Grandma's is a little better attended than this "dream" race. And though I haven't run it before, I can't find anything about escalators or art museums on the website, so I think I'm safe there. I must be a little anxious about this marathon, more than in the past, as indicated by a dream over four weeks in advance. But I'm in the best shape I've ever been and, sluggish week aside, I'm feeling really ready for it. Time will tell.

about face

I go out, occasionally, on these set-ups that end up being pretty awkward. Usually, only one person knows it's a set up. By the by, potential setter-uppers, this is not the way to do it. Although it is highly uncomfortable to be watched by everyone at the table whether you are hitting it off, it is far better than wondering why the hell everyone is whispering behind your back or (worse) knowing why the hell everyone is whispering and wishing they'd stop. Best that everyone is in the know.

Ok, so I went on one such set-up several weeks ago. It was a quick after work happy hour, and the guy was nice and asked my colleague for my number. But I never heard from him. After a week, I figured he wasn't interested and forgot about it.

Fast forward three weeks. I get a text Monday night "Hey, this is ____ . I lost my phone and just got a new one, so this is my new number. Want to grab dinner sometime?" I am getting old, and my memory for names has always been terrible, but I have to admit that I stared at that text for at least 5 minutes before the synapses fired and I made the connection that it was the happy hour guy. He was nice enough so I wrote back that sure, we should go out. We make plans to meet the following Monday evening.

Not 10 hours after our date was set, I receive a 3 part text-novel saying that his relationship status has changed and it would be inappropriate for him to go out with me and that it wasn't planned and he hoped I didn't think he was a jerk. I replied, "Ok. Thanks for letting me know." Which apparently wasn't satisfying enough, because I got another 3 part text-novel saying that he's not the kind of guy that can date more than one girl and that he wished he'd met me sooner and blah, blah, blah. Like I care. The only good thing here is that nothing was invested so little can be lost!

still here

Gosh, a whole month has passed since my last post. I don't think I've ever gone that long. I need to get serious here.

Not much, though, has been blog-worthy lately. Mostly I work, run, and play violin. The opera opened and closed, the fam celebrated my aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary, I turned another year older, ran a 25k race, saw Hunger Games on opening night, my dad helped me repaint my bathroom a fun shade of green, a semester ended (for weekend college) and another starts up again tomorrow. I'm dreading these Saturday classes during a lovely season in MN, but I'll get used to it. Trying to think of Fridays as Thursdays. But Mondays stay Mondays, so it's kind of a crappy deal. I put myself out there and asked a guy out that I've been thinking about for a while. Details don't matter, but after a week I still haven't heard from him. So that's a no then.

So I guess a few things did happen.

starting to pay off

In more ways than one, the running club has been paying off. First of all, I've mentioned already that it's been fun. I've met awesome people who, though they take their running very seriously, are not so obsessed they take themselves too seriously. I was worried about women who eat a carrot stick and a pumpkin seed and claim they are full. Nope, we eat waffles with whipped cream for brunch after 16 hard miles on a Sunday.

Aside from being fun, I've made huge improvements in just the first six weeks. Though I'm not sure my first 3 mile time trial was as fast as possible at the time, I ran last week's time trial a full 1:51 faster. That's over 35 seconds per mile dropped. I ran 3 miles in 20:52. 6:55/mile pace. Nutzo. The coach insists that if I continue doing the training as I'm doing, there's no reason I won't hit my goal at Grandma's. Cautious optimism.

I'm still sore a lot, and tired too. But it's a great sore and a great tired. I was thirsty and found just the right kool-aid.

open up a book and have a look

My YLIG (Youth Literature Interest Group) book club is meeting tonight - my children's lit book club with work people. Sometimes we read children's books, but mostly we read research about children's literature. Yup, nerdy nerdy two-by-four.

For this meeting we read the 2012 Caldecott & Newbery winners. The Caldecott went to a charming wordless picture book called A Ball for Daisy by Chris Raschka, and the Newbery was awarded to Jack Gantos' Dead End in Norvelt. As per usual for ALA awards, these will not likely be a hit with kids but are beautiful books. The Gantos book is funny and poignant and clever. I really liked it. But I don't think middle grade readers will be drawn to it.

Normally we meet in the afternoon on a Friday for snacks and tea but due to difficult schedules, we're meeting for a potluck dinner on Saturday night. Pretty wild and crazy for YLIG.

Last Sunday was the orchestra's children's concert. It was so well attended by little orchestra fans. Mindy Ratner was as kind and amazing as you'd think she'd be. I love it when radio people live up to how great they seem on air. She did a tremendous job as our host and introducing the pieces and, of course, narrating Peter and the Wolf.

The best moment of the concert came early. As soon as we finished the last note of the first piece we played, Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty, there was a big "yay!" from a small fan in the back row. Totally made the entire concert worth it - for that one "yay!"

I hope we do this again next year. I think it was a big success. And we need to find more ways to make orchestral music accessible to young (and old).

bittersweet symphony.

The running club certainly has helped with my winter depression. It has breathed new life into my running and commitment to my next marathon. Breathed new life into me in general. New people, all with the same crazy desire to run lots. The only problem is that I've been sore every day since I started. At some point, this is bound to stop. And for the first three weeks, it was a mark of the hard work I was doing. But now I'm a little sick of it.

Take last weekend. I woke up feeling great on Saturday morning, but then I did a speed workout around Lake Calhoun in the -14 windchill. And then ran 13 miles the next day. I felt ok again by Tuesday, but then did an 11 mile speed workout at the Dome. And ran 7 miles on Wednesday. I'm finally feeling like my quads and hamstrings aren't crabby at me and I'm headed to do repeats on the High Bridge (a half mile hill!) tomorrow morning. It's so much painful fun.

I feel immeasurably stronger already, but this might be too much for me. I'm going to give it a couple more weeks, and then I might have to cut back and pick and choose which runs I do. I'm too young to be groaning getting out of bed every morning.

Running club or not, I'm still tired and sad a lot, and had a complete breakdown earlier this week when, for two days, I thought I was turning 37 this year. Like I still have mini panic attacks thinking about my response - heart racing, shortness of breath, better get on the floor before I pass out kind of panic attacks. But luckily I was wrong and I'm only turning 36. Somehow immensely better. And made me feel pretty stupid for not taking the second and a half to actually do the math to correct this misconception.

Regardless of the mistake, my body makes me keenly and constantly aware that if I want to do the baby thing, my time is about up. And somehow 37 seemed like a death sentence in that area. Over the last six months or so I tried to figure out how to be able to do it financially on my own and just can't make the numbers work. Add to the fact that my dad talks about dying a lot lately (he's doing ok right now, though), and the pressure is overwhelming. The heartbreak I have over not having kids is hard to reconcile. I am thankful for the life I have built on my own, and know it is very good. There's just a piece or two missing.

And I have to laugh, because I can't really think of something that would make me less attractive than having my clock ticking. Which ain't gonna help me fix the issue. Oh the irony.

what doesn't kill you

I can't say there's much to report from my neck of the woods. Running, violin, reading, teaching. That's about it.

The running club has been such a fun experiment, though. I feel stronger after only two weeks, though I'm trying to be careful not to overdo it. We did 9 miles in intervals tonight, and I was able to hang with some folks I don't think I had any business running with. The coach has it in his head that I could, within the year, run a 3:30 marathon. That's some crazy talk. I am hoping for a 3:45 at Grandmas. And that is pretty ambitious given my TCM disappointment. But, the workout tonight boosted my confidence a little. Time will tell.

My class of 3 students for Young Adult Lit is dreadful. Could not be less excited for that tomorrow night. I changed things up in terms of the plan for how class will go, and fingers crossed it's a little better. I can't spend another 3.5 hours of crickets. Well, it wasn't all crickets. They did talk when they complained about how terrible all the books they read for class were. Cuz, you know, award winning YA books are crap, of course. I'm all for bringing a critical eye to a text, but come on people. You can't find anything redeeming?

On the bright side, aside from the student who called in sick from class because she had eaten too much pizza the night before and hadn't slept well, my Children's Lit class is wonderful. Engaged students and thoughtful discussions. My online class is going fine as well, and my student teachers give me faith in the future.

And as for my resolutions, I'm doing great with 2, 3, and 5. Only made it to the St. Kate's library once, and haven't gone on a date in 2012. Oh, and I'm not doing much writing yet either.

Tonight was a speed workout at the Dome. I had planned to do the moderate workout, but the coach had other plans for me. He said I "have wheels" so I should be working harder. Well, then. I was still sore from the hill workout/long run combo from the weekend, so I imagine I'll be feeling it tomorrow too. But man, it was so much more fun to have people to run with on this tough workout. I think I might like this whole club thing.

Though much of the reason for joining the club was to do something new, this story, this story, and this story, among far too many others, were just as much a reason. February 11th, there is a virtual run for Sherry Arnold. I have to be at work at 10 am when the official run is going on, but my run that day (as many of my others the last three weeks) will be dedicated to her and her memory.

switching gears

I took the plunge and joined that running club I mentioned a while ago. I don't have the energy or time to do something new, but I decided I did have the energy to try a new context for something I already do. I guess this is my way of fighting my malaise.

I was really nervous to start, especially since my first run with the group (this past Tuesday evening) was going to be a 3 mile time trial at the Metrodome to determine our spring training pace plan. The Dome is open Tuesday and Thursday nights for running around the upper concourse, which is a little under a half mile a loop. I'd never gone running at the Dome, though I've been curious about it, and I'd never done a time trial either. Add to that the fact that I don't know anyone in the club, so I didn't know how to find them once I got into the Dome. Equals a really nervous runner.

As luck would have it, the club was pretty close to the top of the stairs once I got into the Dome and I recognized the logo on the coach's shirt. So I introduced myself and he told me to warm up a couple laps. And then we lined up and were off. I was having trouble with my watch, so I couldn't calculate pace and just ran. And it turned out pretty well for me. I ran a 22:41, which is about 7:35 min/mile pace, which is faster than I've been since I did my last track workout back in September. Despite my speediness, I was one of the slowest runners there. Which I've decided will be really good for me, as long as my ego can handle it. I need to be pushed, and push this will do.

I went again on Wednesday, since that run was leaving from the Longfellow Grill which is about a mile and a half from my house. We did a six mile loop and then ate at the Grill for dinner. I ran pretty well again, at about 8:15 min/mile pace. Again, pretty fast for me lately. But it felt good. The coach ran with me, along with another guy, and we chatted about my background and goals. The coach told this amazing story about one of the women in the club who had done two marathons at 4:20 and 4:25 pace but wanted a BQ time so she joined the club. She had, though, one of those bodies and running stride that indicated that she had some speed. Her next marathon, she ran a 3:38. And then six months later, she ran a 3:15. So in 18 months, she shaved an hour and five minutes her marathon time. Quite a success. The coach said he couldn't promise me a 3:15, but he could promise improvement. I'll take it.

I might be in for it this weekend, as we're doing a hill workout Saturday and a long run on Sunday. I've never done a workout before a long run. I bet I'll be sore Monday!

general malaise

A friend and her husband have a running joke about suffering from 'a general malaise,' and when I reflect on what I'm feeling as of late, that seems like a pretty accurate description: a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort. I tend to be pretty good at 'fake it til you make it,' but I'm running out of fake. I know from experience that this is likely due to the cold and darkness, but it seems worse than the last couple years. I know some of it is also stress due to the new semester and my impending new schedule teaching two night classes and two online classes, neither of which I'd prefer to do if given a choice. I've become neither a morning nor night person, struggling to get up and sleepy (but can't sleep) all evening. The unfocused part is particularly a problem, since I have 19 books to reread before my YA Lit class starts next Wednesday. Oops. Might not be ready with it all for day 1 I guess. I'm bringing my light box to work to see if a few fake rays helps a bit. I can't decide if I should lean into my malaise or fight against it.

I just might be

A few houses down from me lives a neighbor who smokes like a chimney. She cares for her grandchild sometimes, and because of that, she doesn't smoke in the house. So she is often on her front stoop with a cigarette. And I see her just about every time I go running. Every three or four runs, she takes a drag, blows it out and yells, "You're crazy!" at me in that raspy smoker's voice. You know the one. And it makes me laugh on the inside every time. I suppose my regular running might look a little like her smoking except that, you know, my addiction keeps me healthy and hers, well, doesn't.

kid's concert

My orchestra is doing a Kid's Concert in February. I'm pretty excited about it, especially since we're playing Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf and Mindy Ratner (MPR classical music host) is narrating. And we're doing Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty Suite and a beautiful selection from Humperdink's Hansel and Gretel. The only piece I'm not loving is Ravel's Mother Goose Suite, but the last movement is beautiful.

You've heard all of it (at least, themes in each will be familiar, with perhaps the exception of the Ravel), and it should be fun for all ages. Well, you know, orchestra nerdy fun, that is. All of this to say, you should come! Sunday, February 19, 2012 – 4 pm, Augustana Lutheran Church, West St. Paul.

my new favorite thing

I got a new stainless steel saute pan for Christmas, which I was super excited about. I needed to replace the nonstick frying pan I had, and every nonstick pan I looked at said something like, "Do not use around small children or canaries the first use, as fumes could be dangerous." This does not sound like a product I should be using for cooking. So stainless steel it is. But after the first use, I was a bit stymied by how to clean the darn thing. I'm all for a little elbow grease but seriously, my arm was sore after I tried cleaning it and it still wasn't spic-n-span. So I did a little research and low-and-behold, I was introduced to Bar Keeper's Friend.This cleaner is tremendous. I'm a little cleaning-challenged, so anything helps. Now if only there was a biodegradable version...

be the match

I'm embarrassed to admit that before this week, I had not done the work to be on the bone marrow donor registry. There is no excuse. I should have done this years ago. No reason I hadn't, just didn't make it a priority to think about it at the right time to fill out the 5 minute questionnaire, donate a little money, and swab my cheeks. Sent off my swabs earlier this week. And then I wait and hope I can help someone one day.

recipe share: barley and butternut squash risotto

After coveting one for over a decade, using the generous gift card I received from my aunt and uncle, I bought a Le Creuset dutch oven for myself. I absolutely love it. And I made a great first meal using it last weekend.

baked barley risotto with butternut squash
serves 4


2 T olive oil
1 small butternut squash (about 1.5 lbs), peeled, seeded, and cut into 1" pieces (about 3 cups)
1 onion, finely chopped
1 cup pearl barley
salt and pepper
1/2 cup dry white wine
3 cups low-sodium veggie broth
5 oz baby spinach
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese

Heat oven to 400 degrees. Heat the oil in a dutch oven or large oven-safe saucepan over medium-high heat. Add the squash, onion, 1/4 tsp salt, and 1/4 tsp pepper and cook, stirring often, until the onion begins to soften, 4-6 minutes.

Add the barley to the vegetables and cook, stirring, for about 1 minute. Add the wine and cook, stirring, until evaporated, about 1 minute. Add the broth and bring to a boil; cover the pot and transfer to the oven. Bake until barley is tender, 35-40 minutes.

Stir in spinach and parmesan. I don't think it needed the parm, actually. Next time I'll probably leave it out. The recipe also called for a T of butter to be stirred in at the end, but I didn't add it and didn't miss it.

there's something seriously wrong when...

...this is how I dressed to run today. January 10, 2012. Minneapolis, MN. 52 degrees.

a mad, mad, mad, mad men birthday

I love a good theme party. I usually stress about the outfit, but once I've figured something out, it's a lot of fun having a night out in costume. A friend has traditionally had a theme birthday party, and it's always a good time. This year it was Mad Men, in prep for the season premier of the long-awaited fifth season we hope is coming in March.



Aren't we so cute? I lucked out this year with the theme, since my sis and her friends had a Mad Men Halloween party recently. I was able to borrow the dress and earrings, and I already had the cardi, pearls, and shoes to wear. Didn't have to buy a single thing. And my new glasses sort of fit the era too. Perfect!!


At some point we'll probably be too old to do this. Maybe we already are. But until then, I'm always in!

wrinkle in my plan

Just as I am resolved to watch less tv, I become obsessed with not one but TWO shows: Portlandia on IFC and Downton Abbey on PBS.

I watched the first episode of Downton Abbey way back and wasn't gripped. But then everyone I know was raving about it, so when it was being replayed over winter break, I gave it another shot. And fell victim.

I just heard about Portlandia on NPR's Fresh Air this week. Co-writers and co-stars Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein were being interviewed, and it sounded hilarious. And there was a marathon of the first season leading up to the second season premiere Friday night. This was one of my favorite sketches. And this one. This was funny too.

Do the shows count as educational since I learned about one show on NPR and the other show is on PBS? #nicetrylady

rain on my parade

I made the mistake of feeling proud of myself on my drive home from work for all that I accomplished today. On MPR Classical was Mozart's Linz Symphony, a piece the announcer told us was written over a long weekend - begun on a Friday and ready for a performance on Tuesday. Kinda puts into perspective developing a couple assignments, posting to my work blog, sending some emails, and prepping for class on Monday.

recipe share: curried cocunut squash soup

As part of my cooking resolution, I tried a new soup recipe this week: curried coconut butternut squash. I found the recipe in Runner's World magazine, of all places, and thought it looked interesting. I've tried a couple other soup recipes from the same issue and liked one (lentil black bean) and disliked another (tomato chickpea). I played with the curry squash recipe a little and it ended up really yummy. Added some fresh thyme and a dollop of greek yogurt to finish.

curried coconut squash soup
serves 4

1 medium onion, diced
1 cloves garlic, minced
extra virgin olive oil
3 cups steamed butternut squash (I bought two bags frozen and steamed in the microwave, but I'll probably make it with fresh next time)
1 cup light coconut milk
2 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp salt
1-1.5 cups vegetable broth, depending on how thick you want the soup and how watery the squash ends up

Saute onion in olive oil until translucent; add garlic and saute for 30 seconds. Add the rest of the ingredients and heat through (if using fresh squash, add cubed squash and veggie broth to onion and garlic and bring to a boil. simmer for 20 or so minutes until squash is tender). Use immersion blender to puree, or transfer in batches to a blender.

new year, new look

These are the glasses I was worried about. After I left the shop when I bought them, I had convinced myself they were far more ususual than they've turned out to be. I'm not quite used to the prescription yet, as my eyes have been a bit sore since I got them. But otherwise, they stay on my head and aren't going to draw any strange attention. So all in all, a good purchase, I think.

laughing out the old...

For NYE this year, a friend and I decided that instead of getting wasted and ugly crying for the end of another year gone, we would laugh our bums off at the Brave New Workshop. Never been? You must go. Hilarious. But only if you can handle raunchy jokes and it's better if you're not politically conservative. The show was titled 'Miracle at 824 Hennepin Ave: Skyway to the Manger Zone.' The highlight, per usual for their holiday show, was their versions of The Twelve Days of Christmas... On the first day of Christmas, my mother said to me 'don't you take that tone with me.' There's also a father version. Lots of laughter. It provided the perfect end of year for us, followed by a great dinner while watching the Hollywood flakes fall. Here's to lots more laughter in 2012.

2012 resolutions

I tend to be a little over ambitious in setting resolutions. This year, I'd like to give more in time and money to people and organizations I care about. I haven't figured out exactly how to do that, but that's a goal of mine for the year. In addition, I have a few more...

1. write more. professionally and personally.

2. watch less tv. most of the time, it's just on for white noise. going to work on trading tv for the radio or becoming ok with silence.

3. start cooking more again. I set this as a resolution two years ago and did great, but then this past year got away from me. I'd like to learn to make a pot roast. And roast a chicken. And how to cook with tofu. I'm recommitting to cooking twice a week. since every recipe I make ends up being three meals anyway, this has me pretty much covered for the week.

4. visit the public library at least once a month.

5. use eye cream every night. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't need to look like it.

6. keep dating. blah. I have almost no faith that there is someone out there for me, but I must have a little since I'm back on match.com.

I think that's a fine list to begin with. Let's hear it for 2012!