censorship

I got a call yesterday from the curriculum director in the district where I literacy coach part time. There's a mom of a middle school student who wants a book pulled from the shelves. The curriculum director wants me at the meeting, and I read the book on the plane today. Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott is the book. It was a really disturbing book about a girl kidnapped at 10 and raped repeatedly every day for the next five years. It's full of horrific imagery and I would not want my own middle schoolers to read it.

At first I thought about how there are so many books dealing with sexual violence that I've read lately. I hate these books, so I need to stop. Books like The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and Room, among others. But those books are marketed as Adult Fiction, as opposed to this book, marketed as YA Lit. It's listed for 16+ most places, which our middle schoolers are not.

But I have such a hard time thinking about pulling a book off a library shelf. I think teachers and parents should help kids select appropriate books. But this really is so disturbing, I'm not sure it is appropriate for any middle school age kiddo. I'm not sure what to advise here.

so things didn't work out so well, huh?

I opened my email this morning to find this message:

Hey Kate,

How have you been? How was your summer? If I remember correctly, you were going to Greece in August. How was that? I'm planning on going in September for my best friend's wedding.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

I didn't automatically remember who the guy was, but in searching through my email history, I figured out it was this guy. The one who bailed on our second date at the last minute to see where things go with another woman.

Guess she wasn't the one.

Not sure I'm interested in responding. He was a nice guy - we had a pretty good first date. I wasn't completely sure this was a guy I was interested in, but was willing to give it a second try. But it doesn't feel awesome to be second choice. I guess I'll sleep on it.

Why did it have to be this guy who reconsidered, and not the one I wanted to? Figures.

giving thanks

I have a pretty great life. I have a good job that is mostly fulfilling and affords me what I need. I own a cute house in a great neighborhood. I am healthy and active in all sorts of ways from snowboarding to tennis to bodypump to, of course, running. My mom is even healthier now that she has started taking better care of herself and feels great, and dad is still handling chemo well - enough to play tennis with me this week! My sis is nearby (for now) and is a great friend as well as sister. I have kind, smart, talented, thoughtful friends. I'm able to indulge my musical side through orchestra and my nerdiness through my many book clubs. I can decide how to spend my time, and this year committed the time to train for and run my second marathon. I am thankful for all of this that makes my life so full.

However, this time of year is hard for me. I am constantly aware of my lack of a family of my own. I can't turn on the tv or radio without being reminded I don't have a partner, all those damn holiday commercials and tv shows. I would love to celebrate the season with children, but my chances of ever having any are incredibly slim at this point and getting slimmer every day. Every New Years I wish that this will be the year I'm blessed with meeting someone special, and at the end of the year I'm sad that yet another year has gone by, I'm another year older, and I'm just as alone as I was 365 days ago.

BUT, I'm going to try to focus on the good stuff this holiday. It won't always work, but I'm going to try.

it's beginning to look

The mark of the holiday season, at least for the last decade or so, has always been beginning to play the music for the Nutcracker Ballet. I've played it with my orchestra, and then a different orchestra, since I graduated college. That music always puts me joyfully into the holiday spirit, even if I do grumble the weekend of performances. It's a really hard piece of music for us down in the pit, and four performances is draining. But when push comes to shove, I love it. Damn you, Tchaikovsky, you sure knew how to write great music. There are sections that get me every time. I mean tears. While I'm playing. Even though I've performed it, what, close to 50 times?

Anyway, in this economy, the ballet has decided to go with a CD to save money. So we aren't playing it this year. This has caused us (who used this as the major money-maker for the orchestra) to scramble a bit. We have a fundraising event in late December, which is a new experiment and we'll see if folks come.

Anyway, I'm kinda sad about not playing the Nutcracker, and mostly missing the music as the onset of the holiday season. I guess I'll have to pull out a recording. Not the same, but maybe it will work.

Oh no you didn't

Last night, a friend and I went out to dinner and then checked out a new bar in North Loop. It's one of those places that you have to know it's there, because it's just a door down an alley. Like a speakeasy or something. It was pretty cool. The hipster bartenders made yummy drinks, and it was quite a production to get them in the glass. Good for tips, I'd imagine. We were close to the oldest people there, but instead of thinking that makes us sad, I'm going to think it made us hip.

There happened to be a group celebrating someone's birthday, and we struck up a conversation with a couple of guys there. As I introduced myself to the guy sitting next to me, a woman swooped in, grabbed his arm and said, "That's mine."

I laughed my head off. Who says that? Laughing was not the reaction the woman wanted, apparently, because she gave me the evil eye. I just turned around to tell the story to my friend and the other people we were talking to. She didn't like that either.

All in all, a fun night.

right here waiting

Yesterday I had plans with some folks for a birthday happy hour (for someone else, not my birthday). I didn't really know who all was going to be there, but got a text from one friend that she was running late. "No worries, I'll get us a table," I replied.

And there I sat and waited. For an hour and twenty minutes. No one showed up. I got more and more irritated, and finally left. I got a text about seven minutes later that they just got there and wondering where I was. I didn't go back.

I am often the one on time. I showed up half an hour late because this group tends to run late. So actually, they were almost two hours late! That's just too long to have to wait.

Damned (not me, the book)

Last night was the final Talking Volumes of the season. I really like attending these events. I try to read the book most of the time (this year, I only read 2 of 4; the last two years I read all 4). It makes it more fun when you've read the book, but since they are newly published, sometimes there is only a week or two to get it done. Though I thrive under pressure, this year it just didn't always happen.

Chuck Palahniuk was the author on the hot seat last night. Palahniuk (pronounced PAULA-nick, which I didn't know) is probably best known for writing the book Fight Club. His new book, Damned, is not a book I would ever have pulled off the shelves. It is about a 13-year old girl, Madison Spencer, who dies of a marijuana overdose and ends up in hell. Each chapter starts, "Are you there, Satan? It's me, Madison." based on dear Judy Blume with a little Gulliver's Travels and Dante's Inferno thrown in. It chronicles Madison's trip through the levels of hell, with a Breakfast Club-like crew of unlikely friends. It is twisted and dark and made me laugh out loud and squirm too. Seriously weird. I could not wait to hear this guy.

He was a trip. He came on stage to hoots and hollers from the crowd. Kerry Miller said this was probably the first time an author got cat calls at Talking Volumes. A sizable number of people raised their hand when he asked who was at their first author event ever. He had the craziest stories. Every time he told a story, Kerry Miller would ask, "Is that true?" It didn't really matter, he was great at telling them. We laughed a ton. Then it was opened to audience questions. Some guy in the crowd said he was waiting so long he wondered if he'd have to take off his shirt in order to ask a question, and then he took off his shirt. Bet that hasn't happened too many times at Talking Volumes. Then at the end, Chuck (yeah, we're tight) tossed out a hundred or so inflatable jack-o-lanterns and told us that whoever could get one of the jack-o-lanterns highest in the air, he would give one of his favorite books he's currently reading. Suddenly, the Fitz was full of people blowing up balls and tossing them in the air. Probably another first.

He didn't sign books, only had already signed copies for sale, which was the only disappointing part, since I didn't really need two copies of the book. But, it will go down as one of the more raucous evenings I've spent dedicated to books.

this is it, I promise

Ok, so this is the last post I will spend ruminating over a guy who spent literally (and I'm using that word correctly here) 30 seconds deciding to end what all evidence was pointing to being a promising relationship and who despite telling me he holds me in the "highest regard" didn't respect me enough to even have a conversation about it. Yes, I know, move on. I will. But his douchebag behavior aside, I really liked him. I thought he was great. And I thought this was something special and I wish the guy would reconsider. I'm so pathetic. However, that might be motivated by the fact that I just don't want to keep dating new men.

This is how I feel:


To quote Charlotte's most famous line: "I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted! Where is he?!?"

I think I need new references. Is there something else besides SATC out there for us single women in our thirties?

Anyway.

Atlantic Monthly, specifically Kate Bolick, keeps telling me that marriageable men are on the decline, what with women getting more educated and fewer men going to college, and women making babies on their own, and the unemployment rate for men being pretty high, so it seems I may have missed my chance. Which according to Kate is just fine, even if her article that got tons of buzz really irritated me. I'll save my rant about her article for another time. Or not at all.

Seriously, I don't know what to do. The thought of going back on match.com makes me want to drink myself to death Amy Winehouse-style or move in with the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet (who have pretty sweet digs on campus - btw). Who am I kidding. I can't drink like that and the Sisters would never have a doubting sinner like me. Slitting my wrists is an option, I suppose. It's bleak, I tell ya. Bleak. I had drinks with one (of my two) single girlfriends last night, and filled her in on the whole awful ordeal with the guy over shots of patron and chips at the 331. She'd been out of town and missed it when it happened. Sometimes it's nice to drown sorrows with someone who knows how awful it is out there.

I've done just about everything I can think of. I've done online - four different sites for several years. I've tried speed-dating multiple times. I joined that ridiculously expensive Events and Adventures. I know that these venues have worked for lots of people, and I have gone on many, many dates with men I've met these ways. I just can't seem to meet smart, interesting, ambitious men who aren't super arrogant that way. They are there, logic would tell me, I just can't find them. I did my church's singles group which was horrible and now I don't go to church so there's that. I've done different volunteering gigs over the years (though I suppose I could try that again), I joined a gym, and I am involved in activities, but orchestra is a dead end. I've done tons of Community Ed classes - cooking, dancing, writing, photography, car repair. Nothing. Book clubs aren't gonna get me any dates, and I'm thinking I might have to pare down if I'm going to join something else, but I do love my book clubs. I think I'm going to join a new running club that might be interesting because what else can I do, but I'm about as attractive when I run as a drowned rat, so I don't have high hopes. Work is a sea of women who don't know anyone to me up with. Everyone I know has been married a decade, and all their friends have been married a decade, so none of my friends have anyone to set me up with.

Cosmo magazine told me I should hang out in the Apple store, a weight room, or a Fortune 500 company. Seriously? A Fortune 500 Company? What do I do, sit in the lobby? Wander the halls? This is supposed to be helpful? YourTango says to go to weddings, ComicCon, or recovery meetings. Not joking. About.com claims that real men do actually use Craigslist. Yeah, the ones who want to murder women. Murderers, alcoholics, or gym rats. These are my options. Probably written by people who are married. It's so easy to tell someone, "Just go to the Apple store." It's so easy for someone who has never had to wade the murky, depressing waters of online dating, "But so many people meet that way now." I get it. But do you know how hard it is to be in your mid-thirties and still have to psych yourself up for yet another first date? And on the rare, rare occasion that it's a great date or two or ten, the guy breaks up with you anyway. I'm so tired.

There's not much more to say. I'm done whining for now. I know that in order to have a relationship, I have to go on more first dates. I had set as a resolution this year to do more dating, and I did it. I'm not ready to get back out there, not by a long shot. Not sure how to deal with this in my 2012 resolutions.

NaNoWriMo

It's National Novel Writing Month. I just realized this, and I've already missed out on 7 days of it. I think that over my 20 years of dating disasters, I have compiled enough fodder for a novel. I have one sketched out. Maybe this is the month I get down to work?