yes I know, part II

I was recently at a meeting with a bunch of teachers and was asked if I had kids. When I replied no, one of the teachers patted my arm and said, "That's ok." Yeah, it is.

I'm a little annoyed that I get so tweaked when I'm confronted with the whole not-a-mom thing. And I've been trying to get to the bottom of it all. I think the part of me that did want kids is a little miffed that I ignored her. Or didn't spend enough time focused on that. Or something.

When I'm told that I'm selfish for being so independent, or I should be looking harder, or what am I waiting for already - just compromise and get married so I can have kids already, there is something: shame? guilt? embarrassment? something that lies beneath the anger. I know there's something more to the anger/annoyance than just anger/annoyance. Eight years of therapy has taught me that much. And true, when a relative tells me that it's my job to make babies so my parents have grandchildren, that's as much a commentary on her as it is on me. But it still tweaks something in me.

I'm a complete disaster when it comes to men, despite some level of competence in other aspects of my life. And the recent and sudden end to my sister's long-term relationship has only brought all that up to the surface. I worry that it'll be ok if I don't ever marry. If I don't have kids. Or who knows, I foster kids as a single mom. That I can still operate acceptably in this world if I don't follow the traditional midwestern get married-make babies rule. Or if I change my mind when I meet someone.

I hate letting people down. My extended family has made it clear that I am a disappointment. My parents insist they don't care if I ever get married or have kids, as long as I'm happy. I just get infected with these thoughts of what I'm supposed to do, and the oldest daughter, people-pleaser in me isn't so sure about the life I've built. There are things I absolutely love about being single, having my own house, my own schedule, the thought that there's another first kiss out there. I know the grass isn't always greener.

And then I read the following quote on a friend's blog. And damn, I really needed it today.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.
- Anna Quindlen

I think I've done a lot of work towards becoming myself. I have these little setbacks and need to make conscious decisions, every day, to give up perfection (and the judgment of myself and of others) and work on myself.