yes, I know

"I read about how many eggs die every month in women. Like, it's a lot. Have you thought about that? Don't you want to have babies?"

I am not sure what the appropriate or expected response is for being confronted with statistics about how you need to have babies today or you'll never have babies. I know I'm getting old. My widening rear, graying hair, and deepening crow's feet scream aging at me. I know my eggs are dying and my womb is drying and my breasts are sagging.

I also know that I'm not as hung up on the having babies thing as some in my life seem to think I should be. I don't think that I need to have children to know what life is all about or to know what love is, though I am constantly told these supposed truths. I honestly think those are things people tell themselves to make them feel better when they are up at 3 am with a screaming child. I have done a lot of thinking over the last four or five years, and I'm just not convinced I need to have children. And frankly, the more I'm told I need to get on the stick, tick-tock, the more angry I get. For many who confront me on this, it's not even about being happy, wanting to raise a child with someone you love. It's just about having the baby.

I used to want kids. When I spent several years volunteering in the NICU at a local hospital, I would leave and get very sad. My arms longed to hold a baby of my own. I don't feel that longing any more. Maybe it will come back (and I know, it needs to happen quick or it won't happen at all - don't remind me). Maybe not.