ms. independent

I must be feeling lonely, as I'm considering returning to online dating. Again.

I don't enjoy it. It feels like another job. It's fake and sometimes icky. Occasionally, however, there's some fun that comes out of it.

But when I really look at what I don't like about it, I have to be honest. True, online dating is not ideal. I have wasted a lot of time online and on dates because of it. But the crux of it really is: I'm scared.

I have 34 years of unsuccessful relationships behind me. I don't know if I know how to be in a relationship. Every relationship I've been in has ended. Most of them, whether the breaker or breakee, in tsunami-like catastrophes for my psyche. I've already said here that I carry some deep wounds from break-ups. My heart doesn't always listen to my head and I get too involved, and often mourn the loss of the friendships that sever as a result of the ending of the relationship. I don't know that if I go through that again, it won't have some disastrous consequences for me. Fear not, I know that people deal with much greater losses than that of relationships like those in which I've been involved. But I continue to be scared that because of my badly bandaged, multiply fractured broken heart, I will either stay detached and won't commit, or I'll dive in and end up kicked to the curb.

I was recently asked if I am too independent. This was not the first time I have been asked this question. A college friend asked this when I was (apparently) a spinster at 24. My aunt has told me this numerous times. The youngin' I dated earlier this year also asked this. I wonder how I present myself that leads to this repeated question. Is this evidence of my detachment? My fear?

What does that really mean, anyway? Was it rhetorical, or was it asked in earnest? I don't know. Am I?